I've begun a Bible study through Samuel as a part of my theological preparation to head back to Japan. Here's a few thoughts from the first chapter. I'll probably be posting this stuff off and on.

About June 16, 2010

I Samuel

Samuel begins at the end of the days of the judges. As the last judge of Israel, Samuel, is the bridge between the period of the judges and the period of the kings. He is the man who will shepherd Israel from its old, disunified, dark period of the judges to the unified (though often dark) period of the kings. Israel went from being a loosely bound, tribal people, often at war with one another, to a unified nation under Saul (the man Samuel anointed).

We start the tale of Samuel with the tale of his parents. Like Sarah, Rebekah, Rachel, and Samson's mom before her, we have another story of a barren woman: Hannah. Like Leah and Rachel before them, Hannah and her husband's other wife, Peninnah, didn't get along. Elkanah showed favoritism to the childless Hannah, while Peninnah despised and taunted her (vs 5-6). Though this probably happened at other times, it would come to a head every year during one of the sacred feasts (probably Passover), when they'd go up to Jerusalem to sacrifice. It got so severe that Hannah would become hysterical to the point of refusing to eat.

Polygamy

I think it's worth pausing here to think a little bit about what the Bible says about polygamy. It was written in a vastly different cultural context than ours, especially the Old Testament, where polygamy was the norm for wealthier men. Such cultures still exist in places like the middle east and Africa. So, when we see references to Polygamy with anyone from Abraham to David, rather than cringing, we should see it from their context and remember that this was normal back then.

OK, but what does the Bible as a whole actually say about polygamy? Well, in the OT, there are no bans on it, though there are certain regulations, such as that the king of Israel was not to take many wives, lest his heart be led astray (Deut. 17:17). We can look to the created order of Adam and Eve, one man and one wife, as an example, but that again is not a prohibition. In the NT, deacons and bishops were to be men of “but one wife” (I Tim. 3:2,12). But for all the passages on marriage, but again we see no prohibition of polygamy. Our strong cringe at any reference to the practice is probably more cultural than Biblical.

However, without a ban on polygamy, the Bible gives us great examples of why it's a bad idea. These examples come through stories such as the war between Leah and Rachel and this chapter of I Samuel. It shows the tendency of the men for favoritism, and all the strife is can produce in a household. Look at what these women are called in verse 6: “rivals” (a word often translated as “trouble”). Is this the type of dynamic you want in your household? In the story of Leah and Rachel, we can take see a sample of how objectified women can become when there is more than one wife, and it's hard to “love your wife as Christ the church” when there is more than one wife. These are the best reasons we have to reject polygamy, I personally think. Rather than arguing that the Bible explicitly bans it, I'd rather argue that it's just a really bad idea. Besides, it's not much of an issue in our culture, anyways.

Families and children

Another interesting thing comes up here, and that's the statement “Don't I mean more to you than ten sons?” To the women of that day, if they could not bear children, it was one of life's greatest shames. In a culture like that one, marriage and children are a part of life, just as getting a job is a part of life in America. I imagine that to not have a child would be, in a modern equivalent, like never once working a job in your entire life. It was just something you were supposed to do.

So, Hannah was under much shame from a cultural context, but I think that part of who she was as a woman was related to bearing children. I theorize that there is something inside of women that is satisfied and gains great contentment in childrearing. Even in the garden, God told the first couple to be fruitful and increase in number. It's my opinion that there are certain things like this that are hardwired into us as men and woman as an important part of our identity (working and providing for the family is one such thing for a man). When we can't do these things and get depressed, it's not that there is something wrong with us that we need to “get over,” like Elkanah told Hannah to do. These things are deep in our hearts, and they are real hurts, as real as any physical wound.

In such a case (bareness, inability for a man to provide for his family, etc), we need great comfort and tenderness. It really is a big deal. Perhaps I was too hard on Elkanah, and when he spoke to Hannah it was with tenderness, reminding her of what she did have. Either way, in our modern, genderless, career-focused world, let's not forget how much these things can hurt. Nor, as we progress through this story, should we forget God's power to heal.

God really seems to like healing barren women. Whether he grants her children or not (which He does often in the OT), we see His heart for her in the pages of scripture. Modern America doesn't think much of this aspect of life. We focus so much on the sexual act that we forget the joy of children and how people long to have them. We've also solved barrenness in many cases through modern science. But that longing for kids, sometimes delayed or never fulfilled is real and powerful and good. Being a barren woman is a broken, hard situation. Perhaps the reason God put so many barren women in the scriptures is to show His caring heart to comfort them and to show the barren women of today that He can use their suffering for His greater good.

Perhaps we could also extend this to those who wish to marry but are single. In a sense, this is a barrenness. As we read this story, we see how God used Hannah's barrenness for His glory and ultimately gave her children. This is a comfort to us lonely singles out there that God hears our prayers and will provide both marriage and children when His timing has come to completion. And if it does not, we praise Him anyways, for His plans for us are better than we can imagine, even if they are hard. Our hearts are on the heavenly pilgrimage, not on earthly contentment.

In addition, a word of warning to couples who would say, “I'm never having children.” The desire to procreate is hardwired into us and is actually commanded in scripture (Genesis 2, 9:1). To go against that is to go against your human nature. Beware. This can lead to great depression and anxiety. I know that changing a diaper at 3 AM and paying for college doesn't sound fun, but it's how we are created as human beings, and it is with great caution that we should go against that. Because for some reason, people find happiness in children, even with all the stress they provide. Our nature simply is to find joy in them, but it's an intangible joy, unlike the vacation to Europe that their college tuition could have paid for.

A friend of mine used to wake up at 4:30 AM every morning because his 2-year-old always got up with the sun (or earlier). Having three kids closely together, he went through eight years straight, without a break, of diapers. He was also pretty short on cash, as he lived in Japan through most of that time, where kids are not cheap. But he told me once (though his exhaustion-clouded eyes) that kids are the greatest joy in the world and that he would not trade them for anything. You just can't escape your own nature.

Because of this hard-wiring towards families, I believe that it causes us to realize the even more the great sacrifice made by those who choose singleness for the gospel, like Paul did. This nature need not force us to insist on marriage for those chosen for radical missionary service. Rather, it should give us a greater perspective on just how great the sacrifice is.

This should also give us a perspective on just how great the loneliness of singles can be. Moms, dads in the church, I can say this as a lonely single man: can you let us into your families? In a culture where we marry so late, can you imagine adopting an uncle or aunt into your family to play with your kids, be a big brother to them, and (most importantly) get a free dinner? Some of my happiest moments have been with such families. College students, would you consider the great impact you can have on the lives of children even as you wait to have your own?

Our culture does not value this, but there are things like this that are simple, primal, and very real that hold an immeasurable power.

Fighting sin

June 8, 2010

As I continue to read book 14 of the City of God, which speaks much of emotions and affections, I am beginning to see a very practical outworking of all of this. For instance, here's another great quote from book 14, chapter 10. It refers to a hypothetical situation where Adam and Eve would have desired to eat the fruit and but abstained only because of fear of God's punishment. “And, indeed, this is already sin, to desire those things which the law of God forbids, and to abstain from them through fear of punishment, not through love of righteousness.”

The sin, in this line of thinking, comes well ahead of the deed. With pornography, the sin would then come when you're on the car on the way home and looking forward to your illicit pleasure. It's hard for me to say if this is true. For instance, if you get home and your Internet is out, then have you still sinned through your desire in the car? Augustine uses “Whoever looks at a woman with lust has committed adultery already” as his reasoning that the desiring and lusting after something wrong (sexual or not) is already sin.

To me, it's too great an effort to draw such a fine border around sin in a case like this. I'd rather just say that the looking forward to the porn and the looking at it are both parts of the same sin, rather than getting bogged down in technicalities. Personally, I'd say that deciding to look at porn is already sin. As far as desiring after it even before the decision... that's where I think you're just thinking too hard.

Our strategy

However, when it comes to strategy to fight the sin (this is where things get practical), what you really must fight is that desire. Fighting when you get home is too late. Fighting to make the right decision in the car is wiser, but it's hit-and-miss. One day, you may decide to go to a friend's house instead of home and avoid the tempting situation (a great tactic), but you're not in ultimate victory if you still can't go home after work because the temptation is so strong. Ultimate victory comes when your affections have been changed. So, to gain ultimate victory over sin, rather than fighting the actions of the sin itself, you must find a way to fight the affection that causes that sin, because when your heart realigns itself, the sin will stop.

Take another example: smoking. You can fight and fight and fight. You can even live in a program like the one where I worked recently, Alpha Academy, where your life is closely monitored and smoking is banned. But if the desire to smoke is strong enough, you're going to wind up smoking again (which a few of our students recently did). You can gain some victory in a program like Alpha, but if you spend your entire time in that program dreaming about cigarettes, then when you go out into the real world, you're going to find yourself smoking, again. Your victory was dependent on circumstances. You focused on fixing your actions (through being in a group living situation) while all the while dreaming of smoking.

However, if your desires change away from cigarettes, then you can find victory. It was so with me and video games. I struggled with an awful addiction, but it wasn't until I really had a change of heart that I gained long-term victory. This began when I got a painful tendonitis in my hands from playing too many games and using the computer too much, which forced me for a season to stop entirely. But I spent my time mourning that I couldn't play games like I used to, and if my tendonitis were healed, I would have gone back to them to some extent.

It wasn't after my first missions trip, when God moved in my heart, showed me that I had real-life adventures to lived for, and ignited my heart for Him, that I really gained true victory. It's no longer my hands that keep me from playing. It's my heart: I know that I have better things to do with my life. And at times I can play in a non-addictive way without a problem. That's victory.

Now, I still fall at times. The most dangerous place for me is being at my parent's house without much to do. It's the same house and the same temptation as when I was in high school, and it can be too much for me. In a sense, the addict doesn't die completely till our earthly flesh decays. This happened a few months ago when I had a couple weeks of freedom after returning from Japan, and one day I played an old DOS game for 8 hours straight. But I repented and it's behind me. It was an isolated incident, not a doorway into being ruled again by the addict.

How we fight sin

So, our strategy in the war against our sin is to change our affections. But what are our logistics of that strategy, the specifics?

First, you can't just push out an affection. It must be replaced with something better. Let's say you have a project to remove all the air from a glass cup. Try doing so by creating an airless vacuum, and at best you'll shatter the cup. But if you pour water in the cup, mission accomplished. It's against human nature to simply remove affections. We must replace them with a greater affection, and the ultimate answer to this is to replace them with great love for the One who authored all our affections and who is “The fountain of all our happiness. He is the end of all our desires.” I still have some desire for video games, but it's utterly eclipsed by my desire to live out the true adventure God has authored for me.

In my experience, this often happens in major ways when people are anointed/baptized/filled with the Holy Spirit. I speak of a post-salvation experience where the Spirit (who already is living in you) moves in your heart powerfully and fills you, and your life is never the same. This happened to me the morning after I got back from that mission trip. It's different from a mere emotional experience for God, because though it is greatly emotional, it also changes the course of your life.

The frustrating part is this: we can't make it happen. It is a gift that God chooses to bestow at will. In other words, it is a grace. All we can do is to passionately cry out for the anointing of the Spirit and to follow God as best we can, realizing that He is the One who ultimately produces serious sanctification.

Second, realize who you really are in Christ. Read and analyze Romans 7, which tells us that though there is a fleshy nature that still lives in us, at heart we are people renewed in the inner man, and that inner man longs after God. Straighten out your thinking: your identity is such that you already long for Jesus and want to get rid of sin. You sin, yes, but the war has already been won at the cross. In a sense, you must align your affections to who you have already been made in Jesus: a new man.

Third, remember the spiritual element. Satan can manipulate our affections and enslave us to sin, and he has a lot of power in our lives when there are sinful habits of many years. So, gather people around you to join in strong, spiritual-warfare prayer. Remember that there is an enemy outside as well as inside.

Forth, as much as possible, don't do those sins. Often, pleasurable sinning reinforces the love of that sin (i.e. when you smoke, you enjoy it, so you want to do it again). So, minimize the habit. But of course, if it were in your power to do this and avoid the sin, you wouldn't be reading this, so don't sweat it if there's not instant victory. Rather, try this next idea.

Do things that will make you hate your sin. This is still a bit of a theory for me, so let me know how it works. Say you're addicted to smoking. Smoke in such a way that it's not enjoyable. Put negative associations in your mind with that smoking. For instance, rather than doing it around other people, go out by yourself in the cold without a jacket and smoke. Associate it with loneliness and cold, and see if your affections change at all. That's part of what freed me from video games: they became associated with pain. If you look at porn and masturbate, don't try to maximize your pleasure in doing so, do whatever it takes to minimize your pleasure (i.e. if you're going to masturbate, go to the bathroom and do it, away from the images, to minimize the pleasure). Make sin less enjoyable, not because pleasure inherently is evil, but because doing so makes your heart long after sin less. It's a step towards ultimate victory.

But remember: guilt does not produce freedom. It produces deeper slavery. When you feel guilty because you've sinned, what do you do to cope with that guilt? Well, there's a good chance that sooner or later, you will turn to your sinful habit. That's why guilt gives sin even more power over you.

To break this guilt-sin cycle, God's grace must step in, and this is the ultimate thing that produces true holiness in us. Primarily, it does so through the blood that Jesus shed for us at the cross. When our hearts truly absorb the fact that all our sin was tortured into his mutilated body on the cross, the power of sin is broken. When we realize that “There is now therefore no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus” (Romans 8:1), we're halfway to freedom. Satan's power is broken and our guilt is gone and the temptation is that much weaker. That mercy is the ultimate grace.

As an aside, grace is other things as well. If we call grace “an unmerited gift,” then grace can take a thousand forms. The anointing of the Spirit is a grace. It's a gift (given at God's choice). And it's unmerited (we don't deserve it). When our affections change in any way, it's a grace. Even if we work for it, we do so realizing that we don't deserve it and can't make it happen. Victory over the devil is also a grace – God's power makes it happen, not ours. These specific manifestations of grace are often called “means of grace.”

But it's hard to keep our forgiveness at heart on our own. We need other grace-focused individuals around us to do to so. It's like having a bad night of sleep then trying to stay awake through a boring lecture: almost impossible. But if you say to your friend next to you, “poke me if I nod off,” then you'll stay awake. We need those pokes of “God loves you; remember your righteousness at the cross; as far as the east is from the west...” And those pokes need to come from someone outside us, because if we are down, we need someone who's feeling good to help us. This is what a good accountability group is: not one where you go and tell everyone what you have done wrong, but one where everyone reminds you of your blood-bought innocence and purity when you sin.

The advice could go on and on: stay away from tempting situations (i.e. don't go home from work when you're tempted with porn). Make major lifestyle sacrifices to stay away from sin (like going without Internet). And so forth and so on. But ultimately, I would leave you with the importance of grace over all things. Remember God's forgiveness at the cross.

Passions and Emotions

Here's an interesting quote from the City of God talking about stoicism (Book 14, chapter 9):

"And if some, with a vanity monstrous in proportion to its rarity, have become enamoured of themselves because they can be stimulated and excited by no emotion, moved or bent by no affection, such persons rather lose all humanity than obtain true tranquility.”

It's a reminder that in Japan, one thing that people need to have transformed in them when they become Christians is their stoicism. The Spirit needs to teach them to feel again, to be passionate again, to mourn again, to love again.

Why Japan?

Why in the world am I so set on going back to Japan? Let me tell my story once again.

Each time I have gone to Japan (two summers, plus my recent year and a half) I've had a time of incredible struggle and trial, but God has used each of those experiences to transform my life and give me greater joy and power than I imagined possible.

I first went to Japan in 2004 with Campus Crusade for Christ, to the city of Sapporo. I was totally unprepared for my experiences and suffered greatly primarily as a result of fear leading to passivity, because we were doing bold evangelism (something I had no experience with) in a foreign country (I'd never been out of America). It was totally contrary to my giftings and abilities. I'm an introvert, and God has not made me primarily for that kind of ministry. I became critical of my teammates and cowardly and a little paranoid.

Ah, but the morning after returning home changed my life. The Spirit of God moved so powerfully in my heart that I have never been the same, and from that time on, He has turned my thoughts to returning and serving Him in Japan. Until my project in Sapporo, I never understood my sin, so I never really understood grace.

In 2006, I went on another summer project with Campus Crusade, this time to Tokyo. And it was hard, and I dealt with fear again, plus the loneliness of falling through the cracks on a team of 26 people. But I'd begun to understand grace, so I felt God's forgiveness after my failures. After returning to my 5th and final year at Poly, He continued to guide me to the mission field, to Japan.

My attempt at long-term service in 2008-2009 was the longest, darkest road, yet. I dealt with unbearable loneliness, temptation, and despair. But again, God delivered me through it all, and around August 2009, a couple months before leaving, the clouds of depression began to lift from my view. Since returning to America, I have experienced the most joyful season of my life, though it's been complete with confusion about employment and when and how to return to Japan.

In February and March of this year, there were two or three times where God jumped out through the words of scripture to confirm my call to eventually go back to Japan. As a consumation of this, He gave me a dream specifically calling me back on the morning of April 22.

With so much guidance, God has made my road in Japan clear enough that to avoid it would be a downright act of rebellion. Every time I have suffered, He has been faithful to use it for the good. For every ounce of sadness comes two of joy. And so I am not afraid of what is to come in that place. Jesus has commanded me to pick up my cross and follow Him, and Japan is my cross. Staying in the comfort of America is not a cross. He has promised that those who give up brothers, sisters, fathers, mothers, etc. shall receive a hundred times as much both in this life and the life to come. In Hebrews 12, we are told not to lose heart when God disciplines us. In Acts 14, we are told that through many hardships we shall enter the Kingdom of God. I could go on an on, but suffice it to say that to me, the things I have suffered in Japan confirm my call to return, rather than casting it into doubt.

What would have happened if Paul had fled when on the day of his Damascus vision he was told, “I will show him all he must suffer for my name?” Or if Jesus had shied from the cross or the apostles from taking theirs? What if William Carrey had gone back to England when his wife went mad or Adoniram Judson to America when all doors seemed shut upon his arrival in India? Or what if David Brainard had given up on his mission to the Indians because his tuberculosis was too painful or Livingstone had said, “Two months of malaria is enough!”

And I do not have time to go on and tell of Gideon, Barak, Samson, Jephthah, David, Samuel, and the prophets, who through faith conquered kingdoms, administered justice, shut the mouths of lions, and quenced the fury of the flames. There is no space to write of Hudson Taylor, Jim Elliot, John Paton, and the rest, who founded missions, opened new fields, changed our whole paradigms of thinking, and took the gospel where it had never gone before. They were stoned, they were sawed in two, they were put to death by the sword, their wives and children died of tropical diseases, and many left this earth not seeing the smallest part of the fruits of the labors.

So, surrounded by so great a cloud of witnesses, how can I do anything but follow the words of the apostle Peter that “Those who suffer according to God's will should entrust themselves to their faithful Creator and continue to do good?” How can any other path remain open to me but to return to my field when God calls and to take up my cross and go?

Oh, that in the midst of trial I had such bravery and resolve. Oh, that I had such joy in each of my times of struggle. Oh, that I had the wherewithal to be bold in the midst of those experiences, rather timid. In those times, I have clung to hope in the future while in the moment doing a pretty lousy job. And so I find myself in a season of restoration here, praying to God to make me the man that He wants to make me for His service in His harvest fields.