allkaiser's writings

Father's Touch

2010-08-05T20:42:00.001-07:00

"In a life filled with such intense longings, sometimes it's good to remember what those longings are actually for."

Out of a total darkness came an unbearable light, and suddenly I saw the Father's face. Mercy and joy filled it, a carefree and boundless joy. Pleasure seeped into me through it, and then I heard His voice for the first time. It was so familiar, but I had never heard it in my ears, though I suddenly realized that I had no ears. I was not present in the body.

“Your sojourning days are over. Come now, come and rest.”

At these words, my heart raced (so to speak). Had I really just died? Were all things now ended though truly just beginning?

I realized suddenly just how weary and bowed with worries I had always been. How uptight, always worried what others would think of me or if somehow I was sinning. Like an old injury that you become so accustomed to that you often forget it hurts, so had those things been in my life. And yet, they were removed, each and every worry, each and every bit of shame, every last ounce of pain. I'd never realized how much of my life those things had composed until they were gone. “Lord, is it time, is it really this time? Is this just another dream or pleasant vision?”

Wordlessly but in response to my question, He reached out His hand (again, describing it as a hand is the best I can do): enormous, all-encompassing, and tender. From that hand, He stretched out a single finger and lay it on my cheek, where a tear had begun to form.

And oh, that touch, the pleasure and all-encompassing richness of it. A lover's dearest caress would seem vulgar in comparison. Ten thousand tomes could not begin to describe it. All the world's riches could not pay for it. For one experience of it would all the peoples war. The love it communicated was too much to fathom. While before I had been free from cares but still remembered them, that touch washed them all away. Deep in my mind, the knowledge of those events still existed, but the memories of them were gone. It seemed as though that flood of pleasure extended even into my past so that I felt nothing but gratitude for everything I had ever experienced, and even all my sins served only as reminders of the grace flowing through me.

My question was answered. No dream could imagine such an experience as that. As that finger drew back, I quivered: scarcely able to stand, scarcely able to think.

Just as I had realized how great my shames and worries had been by their absence, after feeling the finger of God on my cheek, I understood the loneliness that had encompassed my being since my early childhood. It had come in tidal waves or ceaseless droplets, but every day of my life, loneliness had followed me like an unwanted shadow. Even in those rare moments when I felt utterly embraced and loved, it was often after a day spent by myself, miserable on the outside.

I saw, too, in a picture spreading out behind me, how on the earth (now nearly forgotten), the embraces and love of the body of Christ, my brothers and sisters, had served as illumination of the love of God. When I felt their love, their touches, rather than turning my eyes away, most often it turned my eyes towards the supreme love of God. I saw Him through them and my loneliness was driven away for a season and my eyes turned to heaven, but on earth, that beast always returned. Now however, with the touch of that finger, that old lion had finally been driven into the ocean and drowned forever.

I recalled for the last time a particularly bitter part of that loneliness, an unmet desire constantly with me since my adolescence. Despite ceaseless longing, I never knew romantic love. Yet I ever longed for it, ever longed to experience the touch of a lover. But I realized that those desires were all shadows. The strength of the desire for eros came because it wasn't for eros, not ultimately, at least. The love of a lover was but another foreshadow, a foretaste that touch on my cheek. Even the deep, physical longings to make love with a woman, the pinnacle of earthly pleasure, were but longings for a shadow, a dark and flat projection of something exploding in colors before me.

And so looking back on all my unmet desires for the love of a woman, all the mornings and nights I spent thinking of it, it was as though into that past all those desires were turned to that moment, a far deeper union, a far greater pleasure. The bride of Christ and His wedding supper (which was even still to come!) took on a new meaning as my desires were overcome with fulfillment, a fulfillment far greater and far deeper than the things I desired.

And He said, “I'm so pleased, son. You've endured; you've conquered.” But it was so funny to hear that, because there had been so many failures, and I had been so undeserving. But we both knew, without the word being exchanged, that the conquering was the conquering of Another lived out in my life and that the endurance was in a superhuman strength not my own.

And in that moment, He grabbed me and flung His arms around me in an embrace. I could not have resisted that embrace if I had wanted to. There was just too much Strength pulling me. And for a moment, I wanted to resist, because all control and composure was lost. And then I was swept away in ecstasy and the desire to resist flooded away. For I was ruined, burst asunder with pleasure, and unmade in delight.

2010-06-23T11:31:00.001-07:00

I've begun a Bible study through Samuel as a part of my theological preparation to head back to Japan. Here's a few thoughts from the first chapter. I'll probably be posting this stuff off and on.

About June 16, 2010

I Samuel

Samuel begins at the end of the days of the judges. As the last judge of Israel, Samuel, is the bridge between the period of the judges and the period of the kings. He is the man who will shepherd Israel from its old, disunified, dark period of the judges to the unified (though often dark) period of the kings. Israel went from being a loosely bound, tribal people, often at war with one another, to a unified nation under Saul (the man Samuel anointed).

We start the tale of Samuel with the tale of his parents. Like Sarah, Rebekah, Rachel, and Samson's mom before her, we have another story of a barren woman: Hannah. Like Leah and Rachel before them, Hannah and her husband's other wife, Peninnah, didn't get along. Elkanah showed favoritism to the childless Hannah, while Peninnah despised and taunted her (vs 5-6). Though this probably happened at other times, it would come to a head every year during one of the sacred feasts (probably Passover), when they'd go up to Jerusalem to sacrifice. It got so severe that Hannah would become hysterical to the point of refusing to eat.

Polygamy

I think it's worth pausing here to think a little bit about what the Bible says about polygamy. It was written in a vastly different cultural context than ours, especially the Old Testament, where polygamy was the norm for wealthier men. Such cultures still exist in places like the middle east and Africa. So, when we see references to Polygamy with anyone from Abraham to David, rather than cringing, we should see it from their context and remember that this was normal back then.

OK, but what does the Bible as a whole actually say about polygamy? Well, in the OT, there are no bans on it, though there are certain regulations, such as that the king of Israel was not to take many wives, lest his heart be led astray (Deut. 17:17). We can look to the created order of Adam and Eve, one man and one wife, as an example, but that again is not a prohibition. In the NT, deacons and bishops were to be men of “but one wife” (I Tim. 3:2,12). But for all the passages on marriage, but again we see no prohibition of polygamy. Our strong cringe at any reference to the practice is probably more cultural than Biblical.

However, without a ban on polygamy, the Bible gives us great examples of why it's a bad idea. These examples come through stories such as the war between Leah and Rachel and this chapter of I Samuel. It shows the tendency of the men for favoritism, and all the strife is can produce in a household. Look at what these women are called in verse 6: “rivals” (a word often translated as “trouble”). Is this the type of dynamic you want in your household? In the story of Leah and Rachel, we can take see a sample of how objectified women can become when there is more than one wife, and it's hard to “love your wife as Christ the church” when there is more than one wife. These are the best reasons we have to reject polygamy, I personally think. Rather than arguing that the Bible explicitly bans it, I'd rather argue that it's just a really bad idea. Besides, it's not much of an issue in our culture, anyways.

Families and children

Another interesting thing comes up here, and that's the statement “Don't I mean more to you than ten sons?” To the women of that day, if they could not bear children, it was one of life's greatest shames. In a culture like that one, marriage and children are a part of life, just as getting a job is a part of life in America. I imagine that to not have a child would be, in a modern equivalent, like never once working a job in your entire life. It was just something you were supposed to do.

So, Hannah was under much shame from a cultural context, but I think that part of who she was as a woman was related to bearing children. I theorize that there is something inside of women that is satisfied and gains great contentment in childrearing. Even in the garden, God told the first couple to be fruitful and increase in number. It's my opinion that there are certain things like this that are hardwired into us as men and woman as an important part of our identity (working and providing for the family is one such thing for a man). When we can't do these things and get depressed, it's not that there is something wrong with us that we need to “get over,” like Elkanah told Hannah to do. These things are deep in our hearts, and they are real hurts, as real as any physical wound.

In such a case (bareness, inability for a man to provide for his family, etc), we need great comfort and tenderness. It really is a big deal. Perhaps I was too hard on Elkanah, and when he spoke to Hannah it was with tenderness, reminding her of what she did have. Either way, in our modern, genderless, career-focused world, let's not forget how much these things can hurt. Nor, as we progress through this story, should we forget God's power to heal.

God really seems to like healing barren women. Whether he grants her children or not (which He does often in the OT), we see His heart for her in the pages of scripture. Modern America doesn't think much of this aspect of life. We focus so much on the sexual act that we forget the joy of children and how people long to have them. We've also solved barrenness in many cases through modern science. But that longing for kids, sometimes delayed or never fulfilled is real and powerful and good. Being a barren woman is a broken, hard situation. Perhaps the reason God put so many barren women in the scriptures is to show His caring heart to comfort them and to show the barren women of today that He can use their suffering for His greater good.

Perhaps we could also extend this to those who wish to marry but are single. In a sense, this is a barrenness. As we read this story, we see how God used Hannah's barrenness for His glory and ultimately gave her children. This is a comfort to us lonely singles out there that God hears our prayers and will provide both marriage and children when His timing has come to completion. And if it does not, we praise Him anyways, for His plans for us are better than we can imagine, even if they are hard. Our hearts are on the heavenly pilgrimage, not on earthly contentment.

In addition, a word of warning to couples who would say, “I'm never having children.” The desire to procreate is hardwired into us and is actually commanded in scripture (Genesis 2, 9:1). To go against that is to go against your human nature. Beware. This can lead to great depression and anxiety. I know that changing a diaper at 3 AM and paying for college doesn't sound fun, but it's how we are created as human beings, and it is with great caution that we should go against that. Because for some reason, people find happiness in children, even with all the stress they provide. Our nature simply is to find joy in them, but it's an intangible joy, unlike the vacation to Europe that their college tuition could have paid for.

A friend of mine used to wake up at 4:30 AM every morning because his 2-year-old always got up with the sun (or earlier). Having three kids closely together, he went through eight years straight, without a break, of diapers. He was also pretty short on cash, as he lived in Japan through most of that time, where kids are not cheap. But he told me once (though his exhaustion-clouded eyes) that kids are the greatest joy in the world and that he would not trade them for anything. You just can't escape your own nature.

Because of this hard-wiring towards families, I believe that it causes us to realize the even more the great sacrifice made by those who choose singleness for the gospel, like Paul did. This nature need not force us to insist on marriage for those chosen for radical missionary service. Rather, it should give us a greater perspective on just how great the sacrifice is.

This should also give us a perspective on just how great the loneliness of singles can be. Moms, dads in the church, I can say this as a lonely single man: can you let us into your families? In a culture where we marry so late, can you imagine adopting an uncle or aunt into your family to play with your kids, be a big brother to them, and (most importantly) get a free dinner? Some of my happiest moments have been with such families. College students, would you consider the great impact you can have on the lives of children even as you wait to have your own?

Our culture does not value this, but there are things like this that are simple, primal, and very real that hold an immeasurable power.

Fighting sin

2010-06-15T12:01:00.003-07:00

June 8, 2010

As I continue to read book 14 of the City of God, which speaks much of emotions and affections, I am beginning to see a very practical outworking of all of this. For instance, here's another great quote from book 14, chapter 10. It refers to a hypothetical situation where Adam and Eve would have desired to eat the fruit and but abstained only because of fear of God's punishment. “And, indeed, this is already sin, to desire those things which the law of God forbids, and to abstain from them through fear of punishment, not through love of righteousness.”

The sin, in this line of thinking, comes well ahead of the deed. With pornography, the sin would then come when you're on the car on the way home and looking forward to your illicit pleasure. It's hard for me to say if this is true. For instance, if you get home and your Internet is out, then have you still sinned through your desire in the car? Augustine uses “Whoever looks at a woman with lust has committed adultery already” as his reasoning that the desiring and lusting after something wrong (sexual or not) is already sin.

To me, it's too great an effort to draw such a fine border around sin in a case like this. I'd rather just say that the looking forward to the porn and the looking at it are both parts of the same sin, rather than getting bogged down in technicalities. Personally, I'd say that deciding to look at porn is already sin. As far as desiring after it even before the decision... that's where I think you're just thinking too hard.

Our strategy

However, when it comes to strategy to fight the sin (this is where things get practical), what you really must fight is that desire. Fighting when you get home is too late. Fighting to make the right decision in the car is wiser, but it's hit-and-miss. One day, you may decide to go to a friend's house instead of home and avoid the tempting situation (a great tactic), but you're not in ultimate victory if you still can't go home after work because the temptation is so strong. Ultimate victory comes when your affections have been changed. So, to gain ultimate victory over sin, rather than fighting the actions of the sin itself, you must find a way to fight the affection that causes that sin, because when your heart realigns itself, the sin will stop.

Take another example: smoking. You can fight and fight and fight. You can even live in a program like the one where I worked recently, Alpha Academy, where your life is closely monitored and smoking is banned. But if the desire to smoke is strong enough, you're going to wind up smoking again (which a few of our students recently did). You can gain some victory in a program like Alpha, but if you spend your entire time in that program dreaming about cigarettes, then when you go out into the real world, you're going to find yourself smoking, again. Your victory was dependent on circumstances. You focused on fixing your actions (through being in a group living situation) while all the while dreaming of smoking.

However, if your desires change away from cigarettes, then you can find victory. It was so with me and video games. I struggled with an awful addiction, but it wasn't until I really had a change of heart that I gained long-term victory. This began when I got a painful tendonitis in my hands from playing too many games and using the computer too much, which forced me for a season to stop entirely. But I spent my time mourning that I couldn't play games like I used to, and if my tendonitis were healed, I would have gone back to them to some extent.

It wasn't after my first missions trip, when God moved in my heart, showed me that I had real-life adventures to lived for, and ignited my heart for Him, that I really gained true victory. It's no longer my hands that keep me from playing. It's my heart: I know that I have better things to do with my life. And at times I can play in a non-addictive way without a problem. That's victory.

Now, I still fall at times. The most dangerous place for me is being at my parent's house without much to do. It's the same house and the same temptation as when I was in high school, and it can be too much for me. In a sense, the addict doesn't die completely till our earthly flesh decays. This happened a few months ago when I had a couple weeks of freedom after returning from Japan, and one day I played an old DOS game for 8 hours straight. But I repented and it's behind me. It was an isolated incident, not a doorway into being ruled again by the addict.

How we fight sin

So, our strategy in the war against our sin is to change our affections. But what are our logistics of that strategy, the specifics?

First, you can't just push out an affection. It must be replaced with something better. Let's say you have a project to remove all the air from a glass cup. Try doing so by creating an airless vacuum, and at best you'll shatter the cup. But if you pour water in the cup, mission accomplished. It's against human nature to simply remove affections. We must replace them with a greater affection, and the ultimate answer to this is to replace them with great love for the One who authored all our affections and who is “The fountain of all our happiness. He is the end of all our desires.” I still have some desire for video games, but it's utterly eclipsed by my desire to live out the true adventure God has authored for me.

In my experience, this often happens in major ways when people are anointed/baptized/filled with the Holy Spirit. I speak of a post-salvation experience where the Spirit (who already is living in you) moves in your heart powerfully and fills you, and your life is never the same. This happened to me the morning after I got back from that mission trip. It's different from a mere emotional experience for God, because though it is greatly emotional, it also changes the course of your life.

The frustrating part is this: we can't make it happen. It is a gift that God chooses to bestow at will. In other words, it is a grace. All we can do is to passionately cry out for the anointing of the Spirit and to follow God as best we can, realizing that He is the One who ultimately produces serious sanctification.

Second, realize who you really are in Christ. Read and analyze Romans 7, which tells us that though there is a fleshy nature that still lives in us, at heart we are people renewed in the inner man, and that inner man longs after God. Straighten out your thinking: your identity is such that you already long for Jesus and want to get rid of sin. You sin, yes, but the war has already been won at the cross. In a sense, you must align your affections to who you have already been made in Jesus: a new man.

Third, remember the spiritual element. Satan can manipulate our affections and enslave us to sin, and he has a lot of power in our lives when there are sinful habits of many years. So, gather people around you to join in strong, spiritual-warfare prayer. Remember that there is an enemy outside as well as inside.

Forth, as much as possible, don't do those sins. Often, pleasurable sinning reinforces the love of that sin (i.e. when you smoke, you enjoy it, so you want to do it again). So, minimize the habit. But of course, if it were in your power to do this and avoid the sin, you wouldn't be reading this, so don't sweat it if there's not instant victory. Rather, try this next idea.

Do things that will make you hate your sin. This is still a bit of a theory for me, so let me know how it works. Say you're addicted to smoking. Smoke in such a way that it's not enjoyable. Put negative associations in your mind with that smoking. For instance, rather than doing it around other people, go out by yourself in the cold without a jacket and smoke. Associate it with loneliness and cold, and see if your affections change at all. That's part of what freed me from video games: they became associated with pain. If you look at porn and masturbate, don't try to maximize your pleasure in doing so, do whatever it takes to minimize your pleasure (i.e. if you're going to masturbate, go to the bathroom and do it, away from the images, to minimize the pleasure). Make sin less enjoyable, not because pleasure inherently is evil, but because doing so makes your heart long after sin less. It's a step towards ultimate victory.

But remember: guilt does not produce freedom. It produces deeper slavery. When you feel guilty because you've sinned, what do you do to cope with that guilt? Well, there's a good chance that sooner or later, you will turn to your sinful habit. That's why guilt gives sin even more power over you.

To break this guilt-sin cycle, God's grace must step in, and this is the ultimate thing that produces true holiness in us. Primarily, it does so through the blood that Jesus shed for us at the cross. When our hearts truly absorb the fact that all our sin was tortured into his mutilated body on the cross, the power of sin is broken. When we realize that “There is now therefore no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus” (Romans 8:1), we're halfway to freedom. Satan's power is broken and our guilt is gone and the temptation is that much weaker. That mercy is the ultimate grace.

As an aside, grace is other things as well. If we call grace “an unmerited gift,” then grace can take a thousand forms. The anointing of the Spirit is a grace. It's a gift (given at God's choice). And it's unmerited (we don't deserve it). When our affections change in any way, it's a grace. Even if we work for it, we do so realizing that we don't deserve it and can't make it happen. Victory over the devil is also a grace – God's power makes it happen, not ours. These specific manifestations of grace are often called “means of grace.”

But it's hard to keep our forgiveness at heart on our own. We need other grace-focused individuals around us to do to so. It's like having a bad night of sleep then trying to stay awake through a boring lecture: almost impossible. But if you say to your friend next to you, “poke me if I nod off,” then you'll stay awake. We need those pokes of “God loves you; remember your righteousness at the cross; as far as the east is from the west...” And those pokes need to come from someone outside us, because if we are down, we need someone who's feeling good to help us. This is what a good accountability group is: not one where you go and tell everyone what you have done wrong, but one where everyone reminds you of your blood-bought innocence and purity when you sin.

The advice could go on and on: stay away from tempting situations (i.e. don't go home from work when you're tempted with porn). Make major lifestyle sacrifices to stay away from sin (like going without Internet). And so forth and so on. But ultimately, I would leave you with the importance of grace over all things. Remember God's forgiveness at the cross.

Passions and Emotions

2010-06-07T11:51:00.000-07:00

Here's an interesting quote from the City of God talking about stoicism (Book 14, chapter 9):

"And if some, with a vanity monstrous in proportion to its rarity, have become enamoured of themselves because they can be stimulated and excited by no emotion, moved or bent by no affection, such persons rather lose all humanity than obtain true tranquility.”

It's a reminder that in Japan, one thing that people need to have transformed in them when they become Christians is their stoicism. The Spirit needs to teach them to feel again, to be passionate again, to mourn again, to love again.

Why Japan?

2010-06-03T11:32:00.000-07:00

Why in the world am I so set on going back to Japan? Let me tell my story once again.

Each time I have gone to Japan (two summers, plus my recent year and a half) I've had a time of incredible struggle and trial, but God has used each of those experiences to transform my life and give me greater joy and power than I imagined possible.

I first went to Japan in 2004 with Campus Crusade for Christ, to the city of Sapporo. I was totally unprepared for my experiences and suffered greatly primarily as a result of fear leading to passivity, because we were doing bold evangelism (something I had no experience with) in a foreign country (I'd never been out of America). It was totally contrary to my giftings and abilities. I'm an introvert, and God has not made me primarily for that kind of ministry. I became critical of my teammates and cowardly and a little paranoid.

Ah, but the morning after returning home changed my life. The Spirit of God moved so powerfully in my heart that I have never been the same, and from that time on, He has turned my thoughts to returning and serving Him in Japan. Until my project in Sapporo, I never understood my sin, so I never really understood grace.

In 2006, I went on another summer project with Campus Crusade, this time to Tokyo. And it was hard, and I dealt with fear again, plus the loneliness of falling through the cracks on a team of 26 people. But I'd begun to understand grace, so I felt God's forgiveness after my failures. After returning to my 5th and final year at Poly, He continued to guide me to the mission field, to Japan.

My attempt at long-term service in 2008-2009 was the longest, darkest road, yet. I dealt with unbearable loneliness, temptation, and despair. But again, God delivered me through it all, and around August 2009, a couple months before leaving, the clouds of depression began to lift from my view. Since returning to America, I have experienced the most joyful season of my life, though it's been complete with confusion about employment and when and how to return to Japan.

In February and March of this year, there were two or three times where God jumped out through the words of scripture to confirm my call to eventually go back to Japan. As a consumation of this, He gave me a dream specifically calling me back on the morning of April 22.

With so much guidance, God has made my road in Japan clear enough that to avoid it would be a downright act of rebellion. Every time I have suffered, He has been faithful to use it for the good. For every ounce of sadness comes two of joy. And so I am not afraid of what is to come in that place. Jesus has commanded me to pick up my cross and follow Him, and Japan is my cross. Staying in the comfort of America is not a cross. He has promised that those who give up brothers, sisters, fathers, mothers, etc. shall receive a hundred times as much both in this life and the life to come. In Hebrews 12, we are told not to lose heart when God disciplines us. In Acts 14, we are told that through many hardships we shall enter the Kingdom of God. I could go on an on, but suffice it to say that to me, the things I have suffered in Japan confirm my call to return, rather than casting it into doubt.

What would have happened if Paul had fled when on the day of his Damascus vision he was told, “I will show him all he must suffer for my name?” Or if Jesus had shied from the cross or the apostles from taking theirs? What if William Carrey had gone back to England when his wife went mad or Adoniram Judson to America when all doors seemed shut upon his arrival in India? Or what if David Brainard had given up on his mission to the Indians because his tuberculosis was too painful or Livingstone had said, “Two months of malaria is enough!”

And I do not have time to go on and tell of Gideon, Barak, Samson, Jephthah, David, Samuel, and the prophets, who through faith conquered kingdoms, administered justice, shut the mouths of lions, and quenced the fury of the flames. There is no space to write of Hudson Taylor, Jim Elliot, John Paton, and the rest, who founded missions, opened new fields, changed our whole paradigms of thinking, and took the gospel where it had never gone before. They were stoned, they were sawed in two, they were put to death by the sword, their wives and children died of tropical diseases, and many left this earth not seeing the smallest part of the fruits of the labors.

So, surrounded by so great a cloud of witnesses, how can I do anything but follow the words of the apostle Peter that “Those who suffer according to God's will should entrust themselves to their faithful Creator and continue to do good?” How can any other path remain open to me but to return to my field when God calls and to take up my cross and go?

Oh, that in the midst of trial I had such bravery and resolve. Oh, that I had such joy in each of my times of struggle. Oh, that I had the wherewithal to be bold in the midst of those experiences, rather timid. In those times, I have clung to hope in the future while in the moment doing a pretty lousy job. And so I find myself in a season of restoration here, praying to God to make me the man that He wants to make me for His service in His harvest fields.

Logic and Japan

2010-05-24T12:55:00.001-07:00

As I look through Augustine's reasoning in the City of God, I wonder if his arguments could give me insight into how to speak to those in Japan about Christ. However, his arguments are very Western: methodical and logical. He examines every possible option (the cause of evil is either greater, equal to, or less than the first being turned evil. If greater, then... if less, then... if equal, then... etc). He is very thorough.

However, Japanese people just don't think like that. Even if I could prove to them, in a convincing way, that their gods were false and it was bad to worship them, they would not change their ways. Because when with the family at New Years, the social harmony would take over, and that value is far more important than truth, so they would worship at the shrines. Most of the time, Japanese don't even think along the lines of logic. To Japanese, it's a normal part of life to believe logically contradictory truths.

So, how do you get God's truth into such a context? Well, we Westerners want to go in guns blazing. Because, heck, if they believe two contradictory truths when it's socially useful, how can they become Christians? So, here's one approach: argue to change their presuppositions. It takes a lot of energy, will be offensive, and might work with a minority of the population. But I think a better approach is to use those presuppositions (i.e. lack of absolute truth), even if they are bad ones, to bring them into the Kingdom.

Here's my idea: create a warm environment where Japanese can express themselves, receive love, and get truth. The fun part about them not caring about absolute truth is that you don't have to argue why Christianity is true. Just put them in an environment where they will see the beauty of Christian love, passionate and satisfying worship of God, and feel at home. They need that, because Japanese usually come from broken families. When they revile and say, “This can't be true,” don't argue with them, because you'll just offend them. Just nod and warmly affirm their questions, give a quiet answer, and pray a lot, and let God fix that doubt. Love will argue for the truth of the gospel.

Japan is a group-oriented society, and morals and truth are determined situation-by-situation by the group. Is this wrong? From a truth-standpoint, yes. However, rather than fording the moat and battering down the gate of the castle, why not sneak in the back door? Give them a group that believes that God is, and let God do the redeeming work in their heart and ultimately change their presuppositions (which will be a long process, trust me). All we can do is give the seed a good environment to grow in (plowing, planting, watering), but God makes it grow. My geuss is that the most powerful witness to group-oriented Japanese is that they be warmly accepted by a Christian group.

There is a place for “defending the faith,” but it is much later. That time comes when serious seekers or believers experience doubts. Some old-fashoined truth can come in handy in such a case.

If we could get used to it, perhaps this non-truth-oriented culture would be easy to minister in (aside from all the other factors that make this nation tough). But it requires a church worth longing to be a part of, and that's what's hard to build in Japan.

Of free will and the Fall.

2010-05-19T12:03:00.000-07:00

In book 12, sections 6-9, Augustine makes an argument that the cause of wills turning to evil is that they have turned away from good, not that the wills themselves are evil. 12:9 - “And the will is made evil by nothing else than defection from God – a defection of which the cause, too, is certainly deficient.” Later: “For good is not the cause of evil, but a defection from good is.”

From his reasoning, I would agree. Let's take Genesis 3 as an explanation for the cause of evil in men. Man was perfectly good and there was no evil in him in the beginning. However, his heart longed to be like God, to make himself a god, and his will turned to a lesser good (i.e. himself). Pride, as they say, is the origin of all sin. He became proud: seeking to exalt himself and be like God. That is the cause of all evil in the world: our wills exalting a lesser good over the ultimate good.

You could even argue that God didn't really need to put the tree there. It was just a physical representation of a deeper truth: the option to pursue the ultimate good or to exalt oneself as God. Even if God hadn't placed the tree there, that choice would have come out in some other way. The tree made it obvious, but the choice was always the same: exalt yourself or exalt God. Free will (the way Augustine says “a will,” we use the word “free will” today, I think) would have been there with or without the tree.

So, before the fall, Adam had a free will and it was good. It did not become evil until he ate the fruit. He ate the fruit in pride and which turned his will to evil. But why did God create wills? For His glory. To create a metanarrative of redemptive history. He knew what direction those wills would go, but so that He could redeem them and display His mercy and patience, He allowed the whole race to go astray so that He could redeem His chosen people. Wills serving God are more glorious things than non-wills serving God.

But going back further, what about Satan? He and his angels were the first wills to become evil, and he even played a part in turning Adam's will to evil. WHOA! According to Exekiel 28:13, Satan was in Eden AS a perfect being. i.e. he fell after the creation, not before.

Anyways, according to verse 17, Satan's “heart became proud on account of your beauty, and you corrupted your wisdom because of your splendor. So I threw you to the earth...” Satan corrupted himself through his pride (according to NIV... not sure what it's like in the original Hebrew). Pride was his sin from the beginning. According to Isaiah 14:13-14 as well, Satan tried to ascend and be like the most high, and that's what caused him to be brought low.

So, from the beginning, pride (self-exaltation) was the sin of Satan, and it caused him to be brought low. He therefore tried to bring down mankind as well, which he did at the garden of Eden. I truly see why they say that pride is the root of all sin.

In summary

Question: Why did God create the tree of the knowledge of good and evil?

Response: Could Adam have fallen without the tree? Yes. He had a will, so with or without the tree, he would have had the choice to follow God or exalt himself. But God gave him the tree, I believe, to make the choice an obvious one, rather than a subtle one.

Question: OK, so why did God give Adam a will in the first place? With or without the tree, that's the real question?

Response: Because God saw greater good and glory in redeeming a fallen creation and wooing spoiled wills back to himself than He saw in a creation without wills that could not fall.

Augustine on the "why" of creation

2010-05-05T14:31:00.000-07:00

A common question: Why did God create the universe? Well, here's a thought for you from the City of God:

City of God, book 11, section 24 (latter half) – And by the words, 'God saw that it was good,' it is sufficiently intimated that God made what was made not from any necessity, nor for the sake of supplying any want, but solely from His own goodness, i.e. because it was good. And this is stated after the creation had taken place, that there might be no doubt that the thing made satisfied the goodness on account of which it was made.”

Augustine's explanation as to why God created the universe was as an overflow of His goodness, it seems to me, and this makes a lot of sense to me.

Here's a great quote a few words later:

“In this, too, is the origin, the enlightenment, of the blessedness of the holy city which is above among the holy angels. For if we inquire whence it is, God created it; or whence its wisdom, God illumined it; or whence its blessedness, God is its bliss. It has its form by subsisting in Him; its enlightenment by contemplating Him; its joy by abiding in Him. It is; it sees; it loves. In God's eternity is its life; in God's truth is its light; in God's goodness its joy.”

Augustine on the creation of evil and free will

2010-05-01T11:58:00.000-07:00

City of God, Book 11, section 17
“But God, as He is the supremely good Creator of good natures, so is He of evil wills the most just Ruler; so that, while they make an ill use of good natures, He makes a good use even of evil wills. Accordingly, He caused the devil (good by God's creation, wicked by his own will) to be cast down from his high position, and to become the mockery of His angels – that is, He caused his temptations to benefit those whom he wishes to injure by them. And because God, when He created him, was certainly not ignorant of his future malignity, and foresaw the good which He Himself would bring out of his evil, therefore says the psalm, “This Leviathan whom Thou hast made to be a sport therein,” that we may see that, even while God in His goodness created him good, He yet had already foreseen and arranged how He would make use of him when he became wicked”
“For God would never have created any, I do not say angel, but een man, whose future wickedness He foreknew, unless He had equally known to what uses in behalf of the good He could turn him, thus embellishing the course fo the ages, as it were an exquisite poem set off with antitheses.”

Augustine speaks of God's creating wills that He knew would turn to evil (specifically Satan), and planning in advance all of the good He would bring about because of those wills turned evil. The description of the devil “Good by God's creation, wicked by his own will,” implies a belief in Augustine that evil in the world is a result of wills, which God created with the full knowledge that they would turn to evil but beyond that with the knowledge of how God would turn that evil to good. He is the just Ruler of unjust wills.

The Blessed Life

2010-04-29T11:45:00.001-07:00

The Blessed Life

As I've been reading the City of God, I see a lot of interesting stuff, and I'm going to be writing about it. Join me in my thoughts, won't you? Here's what I came up with yesterday:

One of the ideas that comes up again and again in Augustine's writing is the idea of the blessed life. This seems to have been a greater and more important concept in that ancient Roman world than today. Today, people want to be happy and content, but few would question and speak about a blessed life in the way Augustine does so. He refers to a state of absolute happiness. I get the idea that he would not say that even the most happy on earth have yet attained the blessed life.

To Augustine, this state is held most completely by God himself. 10:11: “...Though doubtless He is so truly blessed that greater blessedness cannot be...” Blessedness was held by Adam and Eve in the garden before they fell. It is also a thing that we who are redeemed shall have in Heaven, eternally.

The discussion of the blessed life is darn important today, because people in America actively seek it. It's darn important in Japan because people want it, even though they don't ever stop long enough to admit it and to think if the course of their life is actually aiming them towards it. I believe that Augustine's discussion of it closely mirrors the idea of eternal life in the scriptures. Eternal life is not just life without end, it is the blessed life, and that eternal. We see and gain it in part here in earth and fully in eternity.

To those so focused on this world that they don't care about the afterlife, Christians can still lay hold of the claim that we have the keys to the blessed life and all others are illusions. We can do so because this blessed life has its root in God, the perfectly and truly happy being, who gives the blessed life to us. All pursuit of happiness that shuts God out of the picture is doomed to to be short-lived, because all happiness flows from the supremely happy God. All other pursuit of happiness relies on “common grace,” that is, the blessings that God has given to everyone, which come and go. But blessed life in Christ relies on the specific grace which is given to us at the cross and cannot be taken away.

This is important for how we share the gospel. For if we focus entirely on heaven and hell as the rewards of following Christ, we lose many people, especially in Japan, where they don't even think about or talk about life after death. People in this modern age have lost perspective and focus only on the short-term. So, we need to show them the rewards in this life of following Christ in order to hold their attention.

One of these benefits is our hope in God that sustains us through all trials, for trials are a part of the common grace that we all draw from. This hope is something that rescues us from despair and torment. Those who pursue the blessed life out of Christ have no such hope. Because our hope is in the immutable God, whenever we face trials, we know that they are but a passing storm cloud, no matter how terrible they are. We know that behind a stormy providence, He hides a smiling face. We know that He will work it to the good (Romans 8:28), so that in 2 years, 5 years, or 10 years, we will have doubled joy when God has freed us from the trials. When we talk like that, and we live it, we show that we are the recipients of the blessed life now.

Augustine on spiritual warfare

2010-04-19T15:24:00.000-07:00

More thoughts from The City of God:

Book 10, section 22 – “It is by true piety that men of God cast out the hostile power of the air which opposes godliness; it is by exorcizing it, not by propitiating it; and they overcome all the temptations of the adversary by praying, not to him, but to their own God against him. For the devil cannot conquer or subdue any but those who are in league with sin; and therefore he is conquered in the name of Him who assumed humanity, and that without sin, that Himself being both Priest and Sacrifice, He might bring about the remission of sins...”

The idea of overcoming the devil in the name of Jesus is not new. Though in the modern charismatic movement, it may look a little different, the fighting of spiritual warfare in the name of Jesus goes back all the way to Christ Himself. Augustine, writing around 400 AD, says basically the same thing as many charismatics.

“Rebuke the devil in the name of Jesus.” -Charismatic lingo

“They overcome all the temptations of the adversary by praying, not to him, but to their own God against him.” - Augustine

The only real difference is Augustine saying to pray to God in the name of Jesus, versus directly confronting the devil in the name of Jesus. Interesting.

A similar idea to a “spiritual stronghold” (as we often say nowadays) is basically captured in the phrase “For the devil cannot conquer or subdue any but those who are in league with sin; and therefore he is conquered in the name of Him who assumed humanity...” As we sin, we open ourselves to spiritual attack and the devil gains a foothold. As we conquer sin, he has less and less power in our lives. Ultimately, the victory has already been won decisively by Jesus on the cross, so we are totally cleansed from sin. And now, as me march forth in His name, we continue to remove the last vestiges of sin from our lives through the power of the Spirit, that every last window should be shut to the devil.

Augustine of Hippo

2010-04-16T12:04:00.000-07:00

I've been reading the City of God, an epic book if ever there was one, by Saint Augustine. Here's some thoughts on it from what I read today:

In book 10, section 6, he writes: “This is the sacrifice of Christians: we, being many, are one body in Chrust, And this also is the sacrifice which the Church continually celebrates in the sacrament of the altar, known to the faithful, in which she teaches that she herself is offered in the offering she makes to God.”

This is a fascinating idea to me, that Chrstians celebrate their own sacrifice (Romans 12:1) as they celebrate the sacrifice of Christ when they eat communion. When we eat the bread of communion, not only do we celebrate Christ's death for our sin, but we celebrate His call to come and bear our own cross. We celebrate the union of justification of faith working itself out in a progressive sanctification: bearing our own cross because Jesus bore His to reconcile us to God.

Here's two great quotes from Book 10, section 3 (I'm not sure if these section demarkations are particular to the print of the book that I am reading):

"For He is the fountain of all our happiness, He is the end of all our desires."

"For our good, about which philosophers have so keenly contended, is nothing else than to be united to God."

Increased capacity for Joy

2010-04-12T13:34:00.000-07:00

Since coming back from Japan, I've found that I have an increased capacity for joy and happiness.

When you go through something really tough and then it ends, it's easier to be content and happy in simple things. For instance, when you have a sore throat, you just want your throat to get better, and that's all you can think about. When it's better, for a time you may actually realize how nice it is just to have a throat that doesn't hurt. I'm in that stage when it comes to things being back in a stable situation.

I'd say there are a few speicfic things that I rejoice in even more. One is my relationship with God and the time I get to spend with Him every morning. This is a rich season for such. A second is singing to God in English in church. Another would be just being around people, again.

By enduring a season of hardship, I have increased my capacity for happiness.

It is like emerging from a dark tunnel where the light is so small that you cannot see color into a world of green hills and cloudy blue skies.

Loss of gifts

2010-04-06T14:34:00.001-07:00

April 4, 2010

Loss of Gifts

One of the hardest parts about entering a foreign culture as a missionary is that you lose all your gifts. Teaching... counseling or comforting others... prophesy... you lose all of these! Teaching through an interpretor is just not the same! In fact, I would say that almost all the spiritual gifts that are listed in scripture require a fairly high degree of language proficiency to be fully excercized. Even intercessory prayer can't be expressed to the the fullest – leading others in prayer – without a lot of fluency.

Perhaps one of the hardest parts of the early missionary career is this inability to serve others. Especially in an advanced and independent culture like Japan, it's hard to help anyone, and you are the recipient of so much help. And in Japanese culture, which is based on unspoken obligation, it really gets to you that others always help you, but you can do so little. You begin to wonder if people get tired of taking care of you.

I do believe that in addition to the need to be loved by and encouraged by others, people have a need to love and encourage others. You will not be emotionally fulfilled if you don't feel that you are able to really help others. In fact, if you are down, I think that one of the best things you can do for yourself is to comfort someone else. It gets your mind off your own troubles, so that you don't fall into a negative spiral of self-focused depression.

However, with the language barrier, it's so hard to help others. Unless there are other English-speakers that you can minister to, you feel like you can't minister to anyone. And if you are a younger, junior missionary, as I was, around very strong-seeming missionaries who don't need your help, then you may not even be able to comfort the other foreigners around you. For me, I think that perhaps even more than someone to comfort me in my distress when I was in Japan, I needed someone to comfort. It made the loneliness that much thicker.

I remember an American friend who I met while I was on a two-week vacation. She was feeling down about Japan, and during our conversation, I was able to comfort her. I feel as though that gave me a deeper sense of satisfaction that nearly anything else I did while in Japan. Ahh, it is good to be back in my own culture where I can serve others. Being focused on yourself is a terrible fate.

God has a Path

2010-04-04T22:12:00.000-07:00

Here is a poem I wrote a few weeks ago. Truly, it is borne from my time in Kagawa. Anyone good at writing melodies and want to give this hymn a tune?

March 19, 2010

God has a Path

Dark days I see, my purpose lost,
Where is the road that once was clear?
Where is the light, so bright ahead?
Where is my path, so straight with ease?

God has a way, God has a path.
When darkness looms, He does not move.
When shadows fall, He does not change.
They only serve to hide His face.

As youths we run and soar the skies,
The world is clear, easy to see.
So swifly we fall, we see no more,
Uncertain with doubt and made unsure.

But God has a way, God has a path.
When darkness looms, He does not move.
When shadows fall, He does not change.
They scarcely serve to hide His face.

Every man doubts, is sometimes blind.
All hopes are crushed, all dreams are slain,
But in Christ the dead shall live again.
In Christ the crushed shall breathe anew.

For God has a way, God has a path.
When darkness looms, He does not move.
When shadows fall, He does not change.
Behind the clouds, we see His face.

The lame can walk, the blind shall see,
All beaten saints, with joy shall leap.
Our nights are short, our days as years,
Each crying child, the Father hears.

God has a way, God has a path.
When darkness looms, He does not move.
When shadows fall, He does not change.
No darkness shall ever hide His face.

He cannot change, we are not lost,
We ever-see by the light of His cross.
Each cloud shall pass, each mist shall fade,
For God has a path, He has a way.

Writing lately about Japan

2010-03-23T16:14:00.000-07:00

Lately, I've been reminiscing in writing about my time in Japan. This is mostly for my own sake, but I think that I'll post some of it here, for those who may be interested. I'm not going to proof read or edit these pots, so it won't be up to my usual quality of writing.

We pick up a few weeks into my time in Kagawa, where I was staying in Tadotsu, far away from everyone. I was recently writing about the arrival of Kevin, a short-termer who was with me for 3 weeks.

Finally, a friend
With Kevin, finally I had a friend. Finally I had someone to experience all this new stuff with. Finally, I had someone to talk to when I got home at night. I don't remember those days super-clearly, but I don't remember having any attacks of loneliness during that time, and I remember them being brighter days overall, though still tough.

Kevin was a guy born in Taiwan who came to America when he was 12. His English was totally flawless, and we both were big fans of John Piper (at that point in my life, I was coming down from the pinnacle of my Piper-love). Theologically and in life-stage, we hit it off pretty well, and we both would pray together at night whenever we could.

Praying together at night had been something I started in Sapporo after seeing my sophomore roommates Chris and Rich do it. On that project, the guys prayed together every night of the project except for a couple nights. I continued that in the AGO house with some brothers, with my roommate at MTI, and then in my two months in SLO with Stephane. It was a way to debrief the day with a roommate, and then to pray for one another. It has been one of the most powerful habits I've developed, but it's only doable with a roommate. I pray by myself before bed when I'm alone, but it's just not the same. Lacking that roommate to daily pray with was killing me, both when I was with my parents and then when I was in Japan.

But Kevin and I prayed, and we were encouraged by one another. I don't remember him being an obnoxious snorer, but I did have to leave my room through a separate door, since he slept in the other half of the Tatami room. Ah yes, the room in Tadotsu. It was something like this:

4-mat room 6-mat room

-------------wwwww-----------------

|DDD + |

|DDD Chair+ |

|DDD + |

|DDD FFFF + KKKKK W

W FFFF + KKKKK W

W FFFF + |

| FFFF + |

| + |

-CCCC-====--=====----------CCCCCC--

|CCCC.....>.........SSSSSSSCCCCCCSS

------------WWWWWW-----------------

Little hallway

Note: There were also some overhead shelves going around most of the cicumferance of the 4-mat room. Kevin slept in the 6-mat room, and I slept in the 4-mat room.

K = Kotatsu
= = Swinging door (swung inwards)
W = Window
D = Desk
F = Where I lay my Futon
S = Super-steep Killer stairs
. = Wooden floor
= Tatami flooring
> = Little step going down
C = Closet
+ = Sliding door

There we go. Ahh, remembering that room. The windows to the four winds, the heat in the summer (prompting all the screened windows to be permanently open and the fan permenently on), the sliding doors in the middle, etc. One window faced the temple and graveyard, one faced the tall kindergartin, one the neighbors, and on out towards the river. Or something like that. You could see all the ornate roof tiles from that view. My room was a window to the world, a place of refuge when things were so hard. I generally was more at ease in that room than anywhere in the rest of the house. It was a good place for all the hardship of Tadotsu. Even when the heat hit, I kept sleeping in that room without air conditioning. One, I didn't want to spend the money. Two, I didn't want to have to rearrange things and set up a bed downstairs. But maybe psycologically, I just felt more at ease up in that room than anywhere else in the house, so I stayed up there, sweating it out. Probably foolish: I should have just forked out the cash.
I have fondness as I remember my little loft, up the neck-break-staircase that I eventually learned to climb quickly. I am probably innacurate in remembering it this fondly, for I spent hours and hours in lonely despair up there, as well, but there was a certain charm to it, at least until I had to bug bomb it (which was later).

Anyways, Kevin was a good companion. He was not much of a snorer, but I rememeber one night when a mosquito (or some other small mosquito-looking fly) got into the the room. I'd had it happen to me: you're asleep, then you hear a sudden, loud buzzing in your ear: a mosquito is here, and you're awake, just wanting to kill it. It's so annoying. Well, at one point, Kevin had had enough, and he turned on the lights and starting banging around his room, trying to kill the bug. I forget if that night he was shouting, “it's a black one, a blood-sucking black one,” but it woke me up, just the same. Funny, looking back.

Kevin loved milk tea. Most days, he made a big teapot of it and filled a 1 liter bottle with ice milk tea to take everywhere with him. And he actually drank that much every day, too. I don't remember how he did at cooking, but it was good to have someone to do meals with.

One day, we went out shopping at the local market. This was the awesome market, the discount one. Kevin felt weird walking around, I think. I know that it was easy to think he was Japanese because of how he looked. Until he opened his mouth, at least. Anyways, at that market (ah yes, and it always was playing American music), he heard a bunch of people around him speaking Chinese, and he found out that there were actually a lot of Chinese in Tadotsu working at the docks. I'd seen four of those girls and even taken the same train with them from Zentsuji one. I could tell they weren't Japanese from their behavior and language. Well, Kevin could communicate with these people. Though, it never went anywhere.

I felt less at ease praying out loud in the morning. That was one thing that was bad about it. My personal prayer life suffered a little because there was only a sliding door separating me and Kevin.

Oh yes, and it was so nice to have someone to walk by the barking dogs with me.

The King Calls us Forth

2010-03-19T13:40:00.001-07:00

I feel like lately, I've been getting some poems to write, many of which someday I would love to make into songs. Anyone good at writing melodies?

Here's one from a few weeks ago:

The King Calls us Forth
Joey Stoll, February 6, 2009

We have a King who calls us forth,
For a journey, to go with Him.
Long is the road and dark the paths.
In tents we sleep, seeing a home.
Its beauty's torch is in our hands,
The light of its hope in our eyes,

So we pick up our plows,
We pick up our swords and sing:
Holy is our God.
Righteous is His hand.
He calls the grass from summer's sleep,
The flowers from the earth.
He calls the clouds to give us rain.
His grace is in the winter stream.
Our food, our life, the air we breathe
We claim it from our God and King.

We are the soldiers of the cross.
We are the kingdom's emissaries.
We are the workers in His field.
We are the mirrors of Christ's glory.
We are the pilgrims on His road,
And we shall reign with Him evermore.

So we pick up our plows,
We pick up our swords and sing:
Holy is our God.
Righteous is His hand.
He calls the grass from summer's sleep,
The flowers from the earth.
He calls the clouds to give us rain.
His grace is in the winter stream.
Our food, our life, the air we breathe
We claim it from our God and King.

Our Father has laid out our course;
The way is straight, the path is sure.
His suffering Son has paved our road.
We follow in His pierced steps.
His Spirit dwells within our hearts,
And He sustains us for the trek.
His holy Word, it is our rock;
In its pages we see our God.

So we pick up our plows,
We pick up our swords and sing:
Holy is our God.
Righteous is His hand.
He calls the grass from summer's sleep,
The flowers from the earth.
He calls the clouds to give us rain.
His grace is in the winter stream.
Our food, our life, the air we breathe
We claim it from our God and King.

The end is sure; we cannot fall.
We journey till we see His face,
We reach our home and feel His grace.
To Zion's peak, we march, we go.
To Zion's peak, we march, we go.

Conformed

2010-02-10T22:13:00.000-08:00

This past week, the thought that has been hitting me over and over again as I deal with sickness and a certain kind of homelessness called cough surfing without a car is this: Being conformed to the image of Christ.

He was homeless, and now I am, too.

He suffered, and I do, too.

To know Him more... it's all this life is about. To know Him more. To be conformed to the image of the Master.

Gintama

2010-01-24T21:21:00.000-08:00

１月２２日

Gintama 銀魂

So, I've been watching a rather strange anime called Gintama. It's like... the opening of closed-state Japan 1853, only instead of America sailing in with battleships, it was aliens that sailed in with spaceships. But the rest is basically the same: unfair treaties, Japan being ashamed, samurai losing their privilages, sword ban, etc.

It's funny, because you have all kinds of modern technology (TVs, etc) and space age technology, all set in a bizzarre 1870s Japan, complete with disgraced samurai.

Filial Piety
Anyways, there's some interesting cultural stuff that's a part of it. In the third episide (you can watch these legally and free, right here), a brother and sister continue trying to run a beat-up dojo that no one goes to, even though it's ruining them financially. Why? Because their dead father wanted it. Did I mention that he died 15 years ago?

In Japan, something you promise a dead relative or something a dead relative wants is just as binding as if they were still alive. So, if you promised your mother that you'd be a good Buddhist for the rest of your life, then suddenly you realize that Christianity is true and good.... what do you do? Well, respect your dead mother, of course, and keep your promise to her, and never become a Christian. Even going to hell would be the right decision to make, because that's where your mother is. This is actually a true story that a missionary friend told me.

Truth? Righteousness? No, filial piety is higher value to many Japanese.

I'm so over living.
I also sense a certain level of despair in this anime. It was made in the disillusioned 2000s, after all, even if it is set in the 1870s. When you have disgraced samurai who have lost everything because the government has changed, I think it reflects the attitudes of young people today. Life seems meaningless, and Nihilism is strong in Japan.

In response to these changes, the main character's idea is this: “Well, I'll make my own code of honor and protect those around me” (this is very anime-main-characterish). But that is not a strong enough philosophy to combat the seeming pointlessness of life, in my opinion.

No, only Christianity can take disgraced samurai, high-school dropouts, neeters, freeters, parasite singles, and all the other despairing young people of Japan, and give them something meaningful to live for. Perhaps this is why in the real 1870s, a lot of samurai became Christians! In addition to Christians starting educational facilities where many of them got saved, perhaps their wounded honor at their lost social position brought them to the foot of the cross.

There is no hope in living to please your deceased parents. Our true Father is in Heaven, and we must live to please Him. He's the one we can't afford to be unfaithful to. And He will give us hope and honor and purpose. Only He can truly restore such things to our lives.

Today's Vocabulary
Finally, here's today's vocabulary list:

爆音 - Bakuon - An explosion (specifically, the sound of one)
時限 - Jigen - Time limit/period of time
時限爆弾 - Jigen bakudan - TIME BOMB
再放送 - Saihousou -Reruns

Anime is great for learning Japanese, ne?

Broken Mirror

2010-01-22T13:12:00.001-08:00

So, recently I've been memorizing the 84th Psalm. Today, I even did some research on it on Blue Letter Bible. There were a few specific things that I was trying to figure out. Verse 5 pronounces a blessing on (according to the NIV) "Those whose hearts are set on pilgrimage." As I looked into the Hebrew, it seems to be something more literally like "those whose hearts are the highways." Though a lot of translations translate this into something about a pilgrimage or highways to Zion. I hope they have a good reason to do that, other than that Hebrew is vague.

Anyways, this verse has been a comfort to me, specifically because I've been on the highways, on the pilgrimage so much, lately. I'm on a pilgrimage, a highway to the Heavenly Zion, and I have a long road ahead. But blessed I am for taking it. "They go from strength to strength, till each appears before God in Zion." (verse 7). I suppose that's where the idea of "hearts are the highways" being a pilgrimage comes from. That each will appear before God in Zion. Oh, under the new covenant, what joy this is. As believers, our hearts are set on this pilgrimage to the heavenly Zion, and we WILL go from stength to strength and appear before Him there. My sterength is in You, oh Lord.

Anyways, the "valley of Baca" in verse 6 was also a mystery. Actually, I looked it up in my Japanese Bible for some reason, and it was the valley of 涙, or tears. And sure enough, Baca is Hebrew for weeping. So as I pass through the valley of weeping (I'm still not sure if this is an actual place in Israel), I will "make it a place of springs. The autumn rains also cover it with blessings." That "blessings" is another tricky one that is often translated "pools," but as near as I can tell, that Hebrew word usually means blessings.

And "sheild" in verse 9 seems to often refer to authority or power in the Bible. Interesting, vague Hebrew. Ah well. Good psalm. Read it for yourself.

By the way, speaking of springs of blessing, check it out: another attempt at playing Broken Mirror:

Smoke and Mirrors

2010-01-10T21:49:00.000-08:00

Dec. 12, 2009

America: Nothing but Smoke and Mirrors

After being absent from my culture for a time and now returning to it, I have a theory about American culture: what it is and what it needs. Here it goes.

This modern world

My first observation about modern America is that we are unbelievably advanced in technology. We possess artifacts that the ancients would never have dreamed of. We can speak across the globe in an instant. We can circumvent it in less than a day. We have tiny boxes that can produce endless hours of music upon our request and whim. I mean, think about that. If you wanted to hear a symphony, you used to actually have to go to the symphony. Today, you can carry it around in a 3 ounce ipod.

Let's keep going. There is more entertainment available today on Youtube for free than any mortal could ever consume. And forget the Roman Colosseum. we can watch bloodier, more exciting things with the wave of our hand. And we can even participate in fighting in such games all day and night without any risk of injury (except perhaps carpal tunnels). Sexual imagery is everywhere. We have sex on demand. We are like gods. Nay, better. Even Zeus had to come down in human flesh to seduce a woman that he desired. For a paltry fee, we can have her at the edge of our fingers in high definition.

Global village

People who have grown up in the last few decades have lived with such immense power at their fingertips since birth. It is commonplace to us now, nothing special. Only the latest thing is special. And even that doesn't stay latest for long. We have more entertainment than we could ever imagine consuming.

And it comes in the form of mass-produced goods. Ipods, computers, cars... though they try to fool us into thinking that it's “our ipod,” or a “personal computer,” all we're really doing is choosing the model and colors. There are thousands of others out there with the exact same good. In my opinion, we are united by our mass-produced, mass-consumed entertainment. People from California to Maine watch the same TV hits. Heck, people in Japan will be watching them in six months. The entire world is unified by the US entertainment behemoth. We have more in common than ever with millions around the world who love the same movies and electronic gadgets we do. Without ever visiting China, you share the same entertainment consumption with them.

“Global village.” That's what we call this. We feel it all around us. And yet, what is the effect on human community? My thesis, if there is one, is this: because of the interconnectedness created by mass-produced, mass-consumed products, even though we have more in common with more people than ever before, and even though we can maintain more relationships than ever before, Americans feel as though we are losing our individuality and genuine human relationships.

Nothing but lies

One interesting fact about these phenmenons is their falsehood. I mean, entertainment is nothing but acting. I think that's why reality shows have been so popular: they aren't totally scripted, and they give an illusion of something real. However, for everything else, we are watching actors and 3D animation. There is no reality to video games, movies, music, and television. They exist to make money, not convey truth.

Everything is false. Our music is about love to non-existant lovers. Our adventures are digitally produced, and there is neither risk nor true reward for completing them: just a pretty computer graphic movie at the end. Even our sex is done by actors. It is false (they're not really having sex) and absent of love (they're actors, for crying out loud!). And though we love it when a movie says “based on a true story,” how many of us actually take the time to research and see how much of it is true? Few care about the real, true story, just the entertaining movie. In a thousand ways, we spend our lives living in a virtual reality world, utterly absent of substance.

I think this plays into the overwhelmingly post-modern culture of today. When so much time is spent consuming entertainment and advetizing, it's hard to care about truth. There is so much information going into the mind that it's hard to discern every piece of it and easier to only care about what makes you feel good. It's just too much work to examine truth.

Loneliness

Let's face it. As much as we can put out an image or pretend, we are part of a mass of humanity. We are a part of a statistically calculated demographic. They know what you're likely to like, and they use it to market to you, be “they” Warner Brothers or the Republican party.

This is something we live knowing, and we rebel against it. As Americans, we hate it. We want to be individuals! So we watch the TV we like and we buy the latest goods to be individuals. But everyone else, of course, is doing the same thing. We try to be ourself, but there's still the reality that we are somewhat defined by these mass-produced, mass-consumed products, just like everyone else. This desire to express ourselves and be individuals contributes to the use of Youtube and blogging. As convenient as it is for watching movies without paying the price of admission, a lot of people use Youtube to post their own videos, hoping somehow to get the view counter above 1,000.

In a world where we are more aware than ever how many millions are out there, we are alone. We have our god-toys for comfort, but despite them, we live with a profound loneliness. There are more ways than ever to communicate with people (from text messenging to Facebook), but all that does is to make our communication more superficial than ever. We can maintain four times as many relationships with all this technology, but they have the depth of a dessert lake. We are more connected than ever and lonlier than ever.

Genuine

I am convinced that all these facts play into the extreme emphasis placed by young people today on genuineness.

In my experience, one of the best things you can be is genuine. It is such a positive word in this century in the English language. Because of this world of lies, when people run into someone who does not put up an outer facade but is on the outside what they are on the inside, they are drawn to that.

But despite all our methods of communication, most Americans have a difficult time really opening up and being “genuine.” It's hard to do that in a 6 KB text message, after all. It's also why people respect a truly genuine person. In a world so much about things, Americans are longing, more than ever, for real, deep human relationships. They may not admit this or consciously think about it all the time (our god-toys are great at distracting us from our deeper thoughts), but there is a desire for better human relationships.

We live in a world about flashiness. Text messeges are new and flashy (or were a few years ago). Iphone apps are all the rage right now. We love the new. We love the advanced. So sitting down and having a conversation for three hours just sounds boring. So while we put “genuine” on a pedestal, we don't really want to be genuine ourselves. Despite our deep loneliness, what it takes to get out of that loneliness (like talking without music or TV in the background) isn't flashy or new.

What people really want

Young people these days want those true, genuine relationships, whether they admit it or not. Most didn't get them in their family growing up, and they're not getting them from Facebook. Despite all the distraction of our flashy technology, people cannot escape the need for reality, genuiness. And in a world where so many families are broken, they cannot escape their longing for love.

Enter the church

I believe that this is one of the deepest, truest felt-needs in our society today. And it is essential for the mission of the church that we understand this aspect of American culture.

Some churches have gotten good enough at using the world's ways (being flashy) to attract large crowds and get tons of “sinner's prayers” out of people (in the quietness their own seats while everyone's eyes are closed). However, what they do not realize is that they are just meeting a superficial desire: being flashy. They are not meeting the deeper need: something with substance.

The uber-pastor up front, even if he makes himself seem genuine, is still often putting up a facade of what he knows people want (genuineness). He's still an actor on a stage. He is still creating a mass-produced, mass-consumed product: the church service. People, despite enjoying that and being enthralled by that, need something more in this isolated society. They want personal interraction and human relationships. Whether they admit it or even realize it or not, no amount of mass-product will meet their need for meaningful relationships, muchless create a strong relationship with God.

Churches must grow smaller in today's culture. What I mean is that they need small groups, not that the congregation should shrink. If you're just producing a mass-product, you will stay on the superficial outside, and little real transformation will happen. I believe that in today's mass-culture, the best place to create true transformation is in the totally counter-cultural place of a genuine, small community where people know one another deeply. Where they can have those media-less three-hour conversations. The deep loneliness of our society cries for that.

If churches continue to issue productions, they can have some results. But when push comes to shove, Hollywood has a bigger budget, and they're just better at advertizing. The church just can't compete with their mastry of media. So, what I am suggesting is a total side-stepping of the culture into the counter-cultural realm of deep relationships in small groups. Go straight for the jugular of the felt-need and bypass all the marketing.

But these can't be just any small groups. No. As Christians, we have to unplug from our media enough to develop real people-skills, like listening to others in a way that gets them to truly talk. The small groups that are needed are small groups filled with people who are experiencing the transforming power of the gospel and learning to develop deep, real, loving, and strong human relationships. In short, they must experience transformation and do so openly in community. In our culture of broken families, I think that people are longing deeply for that kind of nearness and unconditional love. And that is something the church was made to do that Hollywood never can.

Know your culture

It is important to understand your own culture. It is important to study your own culture and study it hard, just as a missionary studies a foreign culture he enters. If you do, you understand what people are hurting and where they need healing from God and ultimately may be open to the Gospel. We must be students of our culture.

For instance, I think the days of tracts are much ended in America. Quite simply, it's just another mass-produced product, so many people these days will even read it. Even a gospel presentation personally presented through a tract can still have that mass-produced feel, and people feel like you are not being genuine, which is the unforgiveable sin. They will shut you out. The gospel must not only be the true gospel message, but it must be presented in such a way that people know they are loved and cared for in the presentation. Otherwise, they will not listen. Tracts make you appear just like Coca-cola. Only Coke has better ads.

Sharing in a non-truth culture

Our culture is almost entirely oriented away from truth, now. It is thoroughly post-modern. And you can wring your hands and wonder how to bash that away and share the gospel, or you can use it to your advantage. People are disillusioned with claims of absolute truth, but they are thirsting for deep relationships. Make your church a place of such deep relationships that they will be drawn into it, loved like they've never been loved in their lives, and find themselves believing this truth that has such power.

For all that we care about “having an answer” to the question that we are asked, it is Jesus that said, “By this all men will know you are my disciples: if you love one another.” Our culture is now in a perfect place for the spilling-over of genuine love from within a church to be the primary method of evangelism to those outside of the church.

So, in conclusion, be a student of your own culture. These are some observations by me, but I'm not sure how accurate they all are. You must study American culture for yourself and pray for God's wisdom. And study the difference between Christian and non-Christian subcultures. They are quite different, and you don't want to be preaching a Christian-aimed message to non-Christians. Preach the Word; be a minister of the entrusted, holy, and true gospel, and do it in a way where people can easily understand the hard-to-receive, life-destroying, life-healing power of our God.

THIS CITY NEEDS YOU NOW (BLEEEEH, BLEEEH, ELECTRIC GUITAR, DRUMS, REALLY LOUD XYLAPHONE)

2009-12-17T21:50:00.001-08:00

Dec. 12, 2009

This City Needs You Now

One of the things waiting for me upon my return to America was a CD that I have been anxiously anticipating for nearly two years: The Protomen, Act II. The first act of The Protomen's epic Megaman-based rock opera was something that enthralled me a couple years ago while I was still in San Luis Obispo, so I'd been waiting to hear the next chapter. This one was a prelude: the story of Drs. Thomas Light and Albert Wily as they develop their robots. If you are interested in this CD, this whole article will be a bunch of spoilers, so I urge caution. Go listen to the CD, first.

**********SPOILER ALERT*********

This CD is filled with emotion. Anger is there: that's what rock music communicates really well, after all. Also the passion to change the world. And the sad pitifulness of a society living for comfort and brainwashed by media.

At the end of Father of Death, Albert comes into Dr. Light's apartment and finds Emily leaving a letter for her lover. This is, to me, one of the most passionate scenes.

“What are you doing here?” – Emily

“Let me take you away.” Wily wants her for himself.

“I'm not going anywhere.”

“He will be nothing when this runs its course.”

“He will be everything that a man is supposed to be.” Rebuking Wily's dismissal of her love, Emily belts out:

“If a shadow blots out the sun... THERE WILL BE LIGHT.

“If it stays till the sun it set... THERE WILL BE LIGHT.

“If the sun never shows its face again... THERE WILL BE LIGHT.

“No matter how dark this city gets...”

Dr. Wily orders his robot to kill her.

The Power

Aside from the passion of the music, this is powerful to me because it is something that all men desire deeply, I think. They desire a woman who will have absolute faith in them, no matter what. And that's what Emily did. The phrase “There will be Light” is a play on words. She could be talking about light in the general sense, but she's also saying, “No matter what, you can't get rid of my love, Dr. Light.” She had incredible fidelity to sacrifice her life rather than betraying her love by going with Wily.

Upon finding her dead, Dr. Light grabs her final letter and runs from the police as he is framed for her murder. Without Emily, he falls into a deep depression and is eventually exiled from the city, leaving it to Wily.

The Sleeping City

The CD's constant references to “This City” also contain a strange power and, whether the Protomen realize it or not, a deep understanding of our society. After Wily's takeover, he makes an army of robots to take over the labor of the city. Mankind retires to a pleasant lifestyle of leisure, and Wily controls the media and uses it to brainwash them and pacify them with how good life is in this new world.

Basically, it's how Satan is at work in the American church. We sleep. We are content with our comforts and riches, not realizing that the Devil is tightening his grip on society all around us. Yet we do not fight. We play. It's not that leisure is the problem, it's that we worship it.

Breaking Out

I listened to the demo track of Breaking Out from this CD months ago (a leak on the Internet). I see America in it, but it describes Japan perfectly. Everything is quiet and people think that the city is fine, running perfectly, but it is slowly dying. It was eerie once as I listened to it riding on the central train line in Tokyo and then wrote a poem along the same lines.

There is such power in that music. Our minds are slowly being transformed and controlled by the media and society around us, and we don't even realize it. We do not live out our true identities in Christ as warriors. As a friend of mine put it today, “When I hang out with my church friends, we're Christians, so we don't do things like go out drinking, look at porn, or talk about sex, but no one says, 'Hey, let's study the Bible,' or 'Why don't we pray?'”

I think that one of the sentences from the Breaking Out narrative sums up this and American society very well: “But the familiar sound of the telescreens reached even here. Joe stood watching the face on the screen. It babbled incessantly, but said nothing.”

Such is how many of us spend hours every day. TV doesn't say anything. It just babbles. Entertainment, advertising, even news... it's usually mindless. And slowly but surely, it creates a strong tide of turning our hearts (note that I do not say “minds,” which it bypasses) to the world's way of thinking. And sadly, immersed in it, we do not even realize it.

The Last Song

Skip to the last song: Here Comes the Arm. Joe has died in front of Dr. Light, and Wily's army of evil robots is coming out to make order by force. All of Light's plans have failed, and as he prepares to die, he says that he will stand against this thing, but that it will overwhelm him and he will die without making a difference at all. And then he finally opens Emily's last letter:

“Thomas, please don't cry for me... I love you completely... He could never cage the world... and soon the darkness will pass. I want so much to be with you but in my heart I know, this city needs you now. This city needs you now.”

And the music explodes to life suddenly: “THIS CITY! THIS CITY!”

To me, this is my call to Japan, a thoroughly urbanized society. This city, this city. Images of Tokyo, nearly 30 million strong, flash to my mind. Trains and subways and towers to the heavens... When I hear those words, “This city needs you now,” I feel that I will return to Japan and to my destiny. Especially with the last line of the CD:

“Joe, if you see Emily, tell her to wait for me. 'Cause I still have work to do...”

Again, we men (or maybe just me) long for this kind of woman who is capable of so encouraging us that even 20 years after her death, a letter from her makes all the difference. At the point of Light's surrender, Emily's last letter turns him around and makes him realize that he has a mission to do. I long for love like this, love that is not about making one another mutually happy in our complacency and uselessness for the kingdom. No, rather it is about spurring one another on in a way that no other human can to fulfill God's call in our lives.

To me, it's about far more than a girl who will make me happy. It's about finding one who expresses absolute confidence and love and thereby enables me to be the man that God has made me to be. And it's about someone for whom I will do that, just as much as she does it for me. Together we will form an unstoppable team and save the world from Wily's army of evil robots... or evangelize Japan. Something like that.

Star Trek

2009-12-16T22:16:00.000-08:00

Saw the new Star Trek movie. It didn't disappoint my thirst for:

a) Non-sense science If we eject the warp cores (a mysterious quasi-science object that can do anything you ever need in a pinch) then the resultant shockwave may be enough to get us out of the black hole, somehow mysteriously without damaging the ship!

b) Rehashed plotlines Oh no, a BMSO (Big Mysterious Space Object) has appeared and is attacking earth!! What shall we do?

c) Scantily clad Starfleet officers - Apparently, they start wearing miniskirts at the academy as a part of the training.

d) A Military completely without discipline or common sense - Let's put the cadets on the bridge of our new flagship!

e) Vulcans

Regarding the latter, a friend of mine, when I described how Japanese people do not show emotion, said, "So, basically, it's like living on Vulcan." Yeah, more-or-less. Except that Japanese people don't believe in logic, not when it comes to human relationships, at least. But the whole thing where Vulcans don't show emotion... yeah, that's basically Japan.

Also noticing how many Roman references are in Star Trek: Romulus (the founder of Rome), Nero (Roman emperor), James Tiberius Kirk... and probably others.

And more imporantly, Remus, as in Remus Lupin, was the brother of Romulus. That has nothing to do with Star Wars though, and everything to do with Harry Potter, which is way better. The books, that is. The movies basically suck in comparison.

Good night, everybody!

Live long and prosper.

SLO and Zion

2009-11-30T21:16:00.001-08:00

I actually wrote this post a week ago, but just posted it today. If you'd like something sarcastic and cynical, please scroll down to my previous post about being in love. If you'd like something serious, read this post.

Nov. 23, 2009

SLO Times

This past weekend, I went up to San Luis Obispo for a visit. Since leaving America a year and a half ago, SLO was constantly on my mind. And there I was... in that place again.

Home?

As much as any place on earth could be considered home, SLO is my home. I have not been able to come to a place of calling Japan “home,” yet (even in the earthly sense). SLO is still home to me. This isn't meant as a slight against my parents. Their place is like a second home. It was home as a child, but as an adult, we find homes in new places away from our parents. And I feel too out of place in Southern California. I feel like those on the Central Coast understand who I am and are like me. And my church is there.

In that place, I have experienced deeper bonds of friendship and deeper wholeness than any other. They are my tribe, my family. I have a place of belonging there.

And so, quite predictably, as soon as my jet lag was recovered enough to drive those 260 miles, I made my way up to San Luis for a weekend. It was a good weekend. My heart still burns from it.

I've been nervous what it would be like going back, whether I would feel utterly out of place or whether I would be received into the waiting arms of my friends. It was the latter.

What I found

Going back was not as emotional as I imagined over the last year and a half, when it was always on my mind. Rather, SLO is, after all, an earthly city, so my emotions were still mortal emotions and the people were mere humans. It is not heaven, though it sure feels close, sometimes.

It was a joyful time. With those I was closest to, it was like just picking up our relationships where they left off. It was as though there were nearly two years of news to catch up on, but they hadn't changed that much. Some were married, some had babies, but they were still those I have loved.

It is the revival that defines that city to me, the work that God is doing. The passionate prayer of the saints. The ministering saints. God is at work, and it's like stepping into the Great Awakening when I go there. There is no place like it on earth. It's not the beauty of that valley that was so wonderful, neither the laid back atmosphere. No, the uniqueness is in the revival, that which I was swept up in and left stranded by on the mission field.

That revival is still happening, and it was good to step into it for a weekend. The fact that so many people were doing well made for a good visit. It was also fun surprising people who thought I was still 7000 miles away. I feel refreshed and more ready for what is next (my deputation down south, here). And of course, I can't wait to go back for a few months starting in January.

The departure

A year and a half ago, leaving SLO was the hardest experience of my life. I've never lost a parent or close family member, but that departure, that 出発 was like the death of all my best friends, followed by my entering a strange and lonely society alone. I suppose that's one reason why I expected my return to be so emotional: it was like receiving them all back from the dead.

Why must I continue on this path? I do not know what leaving that place again will be like when I do so in March to return to Japan in April. How do my feet continue down this road?

Whatever my feelings are; wherever my heart is at, I am a realist. The ideal is one thing, but I know enough of human existence and life to know that our good memories are always better than the events themselves.

And in addition, even if we do find ourselves in an ideal state, that state cannot last. What would I do for a job in SLO? How would I emotionally deal with the constant departure of college students? Even if I had stayed, it would not have been as good as I imagine. Despite that I am envious of those whom God blessed to stay, I know that they have life problems, too. If I would have clutched SLO like a treasure of mine, I would have lost it in the end. Perhaps now that I have left, it shall remain as a place of refuge for me to return to in times of need.

In addition, once we have left a place, it falls into an axiom that I live by: There is no going back to the Shire. You cannot return to the glory days or whatever happy memories you have. You're better off pursuing new ones. But yes, I have written of that in the past.

The Road Ahead

It always comes to this point when I mourn leaving a place, does it not? To me, SLO is like an earthly picture of the Eternal City, that which I long so intently to see. The affections that I have for it are those that only that City deserves. So, then, in my mind, the New Jerusalem and San Luis Obispo get confused at times, and that's why that town means so much, too much to me. For however fine, it cannot hold even the basest comparison to where I journey.

So then, I have my reason to press on. I leave the place of my desires and longings because I know that it is not the true place of my desires and longings. I can leave that good city because I journey to a better one. I can leave that earthly city to journey to an eternal one. I have the strength to leave that valley, because my destination is Zion.

Even today, driving home, I was longing more intently for another departure, the departure to that City. Perhaps because I experienced such beauty this weekend, I was able to imagine and long for it more clearly. It is that ability to imagine that keeps me longing.

Oh, my friends, my loved ones. Do not weep for me. Our parting is but brief...

In Love

2009-11-30T20:58:00.000-08:00

Nov 29, 2009

In Love. Something Like Driving With an Opaque Windshield

I've begun reading The Five Love Languages. I'd heard that it's a really good book. It's also pretty short, so I should get through it quickly. Tragically, I'm not in a relationship at the moment, but it's good to be prepared for that sort of thing.

On being in love

One of the first chapters in this book was on the idea of being “In love.” It confirmed something that I've formed suspicions about. The infatuation that we so often associate with being “in love” or with young love is a euphoric state where everything is perfect, and it lasts an average of two years. When it ends, you're married, and you begin to wonder why you made that choice.

For myself, I believe that there is more than one woman out there who I am capable of falling in love with. Specifically, there are probably about 800 million of them. So, finding a person that I am in love with is not a major priority for me. Sooner or later, if I spend enough time with any girl, anywhere, there's about a 63% chance that I'll fall for her. Heck, even if I'm looking for someone who will feel the same way about me... out of the 800 million women in the world that I'm capable of falling in love with, there's probably at least a few hundred thousand who will reciprocate.

Bah, being “in love” is simply an emotional trick to get us to have babies. I call it “infatuation.” Real love is in caring for the other above yourself, rain or shine, with blood and sweat and tears. Agape. I'm sure that you can find some puritan sermons on the Internet about it.

The real task

To me, the supreme problem to be solved is this: get a good wife. I've read through Proverbs enough times to realize that's what I'm looking for. I'm not looking for a girl who I'm “in love” with, because then there would be 800 million potentials out there. Searching for “The One” is just an American myth. This isn't the Matrix. Unless a voice from heaven should say, “Joey, this is the woman you are to marry,” I should not think I have found the One. And even then, it's probably just the hormones getting to me. No, the one I marry is the One. And when the knot is tied, then I can say that I have found her.

So, to me, it's all about finding someone with the same vision and same passion for God as me who will support me and enable me to be all I can be for God. And just as significantly, it's about finding a woman who wants to be all she can be for God and who I can enable towards that end. It is about finding the person who will enable me to maximally glorify God with my life and who I will enable to maximally glorify God with her life. In the end, the one with whom we will both find utter satisfaction in God through a happy marriage.

The cruel shackles of love

However, I do not presume to be a god, not even a superhero. Perhaps if I were, I could escape the negative effects of being “in love.” However, being a mortal, I will suffer under the terrible bondage of infatuation like any other man. I call it a bondage, because I have seen it destroy lives. I have seen friends, for a girl of ill character, sacrifice all on the alter of “love.” You see, when you are infatuated with someone, your reason flies out through your ears. You cannot make wise choices. You cannot see the faults in that person. You do not realize that she is destroying your life. You abandon all other friendships because they keeping telling you: “Dude, she's an emotionally manipulative, codependent witch.” And even though she wears a steeple hat and is followed by a raven familiar, you don't realize that they're right. You're in love.

Anyways, as I ponder the effects of infatuation on my brain (due to my lack of superpowers), I realize that once I fall for a girl and get in a relationship, it's all over. I will be utterly blind to whether she is a good mate or not. It's like the harpy's song of the Odyssey. Or the imperious curse. I will not be able to trust my senses... at all. So, when you are dating someone and unable to ascertain her character accurately, what in the world are you supposed to do?

Well, I suppose that number one is to maintain such a close walk with God that you are able, to some extent, to hear from Him and not be totally under the spell.

But we also have to take some pointers from Ulysses. When he was passing the harpies, he knew that he would fall under the song, so he had some friends literally chain him to the mast of the ship so that he was physically unable to go to his death. If you don't have people to chain you to the mast of the ship, then you'll follow the harpy's song. What we really need are friends who will bodily tear us from bad girls and lock us in a dark room for a few months.

Well, unfortunately, the police usually arrest friends that good. And we'd probably stay in touch with her through text messenging anyways, these days.

However, maybe it would be good to have some friends around who we trust enough to actually... uhh... listen to. If everyone you talk to says a person is not good for you (and a witch), perhaps they're right. And even if God seems to be saying that she is good for you... well, again, hormones

I suppose it is something like a blind person going out on a date. He has to ask someone else what she looks like.

Russian roulette

The scary part about thinking of dating on the mission field is that I won't necessarily have all that healthy community around me. I don't want an exclusive relationship with a girl (in the sense of having no mutual friends), but if we both have no friends in Japan to start out with, I may not have a choice. So I suppose that dating on the mission field is something like playing Russian roulette. It's a really fun game... 83% of the time. The problem is, you can't tell which time you play will be one of those “not so fun” times. You just spin the barrel and hope that the girl you wind up married to isn't one who's going to totally screw up your life.

Man, an arranged marriage would make life so much easier. Why'd I have to be born American...

Well, hopefully someday God will give me the “OK” to step forward into a relationship. Despite the mortal peril, I'm greatly looking forward to that day.

Returning tomorrow

2009-11-10T04:50:00.001-08:00

November 10, 2009

After a long journey, I returned to my homeland to find...

I leave Japan tomorrow. It has been a long, arduous 18 months, and though I intended my first term on the field to be longer, difficulties have been used by the hand of providence to thrust me home sooner. In the states, I hope to refresh myself, reconnect with my supporters, and raise up prayer and laborers and support. And get married, if I can within 5 months. That one seems unlikely at the moment.

But oh, the uncertainty that grips me righ now. I have some vague plans of my stay, but I do not know what awaits me there. I do not know what God has planned for me. I do not know if the odiousness of my own culture shall drive me to insanity or if I shall weep with joy at the pleasure of finding myself once again in familiarity. I do not know if I shall be isolated to extremity or enthralled by the warm embrace of friends. The future is dark, but I am thine, Oh Lord.

I return to the land of my birth which is no longer home.

Adoniram Judson

2009-11-08T23:50:00.001-08:00

You may wonder why I'm typing up these quotes now. Well, the reason is that I'm leaving Japan on Wednesday, so I really don't want to carry the actual book with me, good as it was, and I may want to have one or two of these quotes handy for use during my deputation. See you soon! Please feel free to leave a comment if you'd like to get in touch with me while I'm in the states!

This is a quote from a letter that Judson wrote that I don't agree with, but it's interesting nonetheless with regards to the tons of short-term missionaries and few long-term missionaries that are going out these days. It's a quote he wrote in response to some missionaries who came out only to serve for a few years:

“I much fear [he complained to the Corresponding Secretary at home] that this will occasion a breach in our mission. How can we, who are devoted for life, cordially take to our hearts one who is a mere hireling? ... I have seen the beginning, middle, and end of severeal limited term missionaries. They are all good for nothing. Though brilliant in an English pulpit, they are incompetent for any real misisonary work. They come out for a few years, with the view of acquiring a stock of credit on which they may vegetate the rest of their days, in the congenial climate of their native land... The motto of every missionary, whether preacher, printer, or schoolmaster, ought to be “Devoted for life.” (pg. 435)

As I said, I don't agree with his criticism of others. However, this is an example of a spirit that used to exist in missions but has, to a great extenet, disappeared: “Devoted for life.” To Judson, that was the missionary calling: to go and not return. Though I believe that in the modern age there is a place for short-termers and such, I nonetheless am fascinated by this old attitude that men like Judson had.

A short quote that fascinated me as I was pondering sanctifation while reading this book a while ago is this, which he wrote to one of his daughters: “If you trust in the Savious and try to be good, he will make you good.” (pg. 457) That's it! I thought. That's sanctification right there. We trust Him, we try, and He makes us good!

During a brief period of time in the states (after he had lived overseas for over 30 years), the biographer wrote this about him:

“Everywhere Adoniram had gone, people had insisted on regarding him as something more than human. On platform after platform he was extolled, much to his own distaste. In reaction, he had been cold, almost insulting, to the man and women who persisted in viewing him as a plaster saint. Time after time, he had disappointed audiences by refusing to discuss his adventures and instead repeating to them the simple message of the Gospel they heard every Sunday from their own ministers. They could see for themselves, so he thought, that he was a man like other men, with a family and family cares, with the failties and foibles of other men. Nevertheless, many preferred the legend to the man.” (pg. 461)

Finally, a quote from Adoniram himself: “'Trust in God and kep your powder dry' was Cromwell's word to his soldiers. 'Trust in God and love one another' is, I think, a better watchword.” (pg. 474)

More of Judson.

2009-11-02T05:50:00.001-08:00

Tonight, I'm going to type up some quotes from the ordination of Adinoram Judson and the missionaries who went out with him. These quotes have some incredible perspective for the modern American church. However, before I do, I must make some statements about the word “Heathen.”

In modern English, “Heathen” has an incredibly negative, judgemental nuance. However, even as late as 50 years ago, it wasn't such a strong word as it is today. The meaning was a people that had not heard of Christ or where Christ was virtually unknown. Generally these nations were much more primitive, since for so long the center of gravity of Christianity rested in Europe, so there was definitely an image that went with the word as a less developed nation.

“Heathen” didn't have the powerfully negative nuance that it does today. Often there was a genuine compassion for the heathen, just as today NGOs show a genuine compassion for AIDs-infected Africa. When these people said “heathen,” they weren't looking down in judement so much as anyone who uses the word today. Perhaps a modern equivalent would be “unreached people group.”

So, the word “heathen” is going to pop up a lot in these quotes. I know you'll wince, but understand that English has changed a lot in the last 200 years.

This first quote was given by a Parson Allen who spoke in Nancy's (Adinoram's wife) hometown.

'My dear children,' he told them, 'you are now engaged in the best of causes. It is the cause for which Jesus the Son of God came into the world and suffered and died. You literally forsake father and mother, brothers and sisters, for the sake of Christ and the promotion of His Kingdom.'

He had some special advice to them, as women and wives, concerning their duty to the heavhen women. To convert these women 'will be your business, my dear children, to whom your husbands can have but little, or no access. Go then, and do all in your power to enlighten their minds, and bring them to the knowledge of the truth... Teach them to realize that they are not an inferior race of creatures, but stand upon a par with men. Teach them that they have immortal souls; and are no longer to burn themselves in the same fire, with the bodied of their departed husbands.'

He had words for the girls' parents, too, and for the congregation, but at the end of his discourse he turned again to Nancy and Harriet and concluded in a voice nearly breaking: “To the care of the great Head of the church I now commit them. To His grave I also resign you all. May He gather you together in one. And may you also return and come to Zion with a song, and with shouts of everlasting glory.

Here's a hymn that Parson Allen composed especially for that service. People wept unashamedly as they sang it.

Go, ye herals of salvation;

Go, and preach in heathen lands;

Publish loud to every nation,

What the Lord of life commands.

Go, ye sisters, their companions,

Soothe their care, and wipe their tears,

Angels shall in bright battalions

Guard your steps and guard your fears.

Landed safe in distant regions,

Tell the Burmans Jesus died;

Tell them Satan and his legions,

Bow to him they crucified.

Far beyond the mighty Ganges,

When vast floods beyond us roll,

Think how widely Jesus ranges

Nations wide from pole to pole.

While from heathen nations blended

Light and peace within shall rise;

When your days on earth are ended,

Christ receive you to the skies.

To his grace we now resign you,

To him only you belong;

You with every Christian Hindoo,

Join at last th' angelic throng.

That was their first ordination service, but their second was the big one, in Salem! At least 1,500 people were there, and the church was packed to the max. People walked long distances through the snow in order to see this, the commissioning of the first overseas American missionaries. Dr. Samuel Spring said the following words, and this is one of my favorite quotes from the book:

No enterprise comparable to this has been embraced by the American church. All others retire before it, like stars before the rising sun.

Dr. __Worchester gave the following conclusion:

You are but the precursors of many, who shall follow you in this arduous, gloruious exercise; for the Gospel shall be preached to all nations, and all people shall see the Salvation of God.

So let it be Lord, amen.

Thoughts from the life of Mr. Judson

2009-11-01T05:28:00.000-08:00

Posted another post on holiness (see directly below).

However, in the meantime, I'm trying to record some good quotes from the life of Adinoram Judson, who set out with the first party of overseas American Missionaries. This is from the book To the Golden Shore by Courtney Anderson (male).

In his younger years, as he was thinking of taking a major pastorate in Boston:

As he [Adinoram] toyed with this pleasing prospect, half-smiling as he imagined the sea of admiring faces staring up as him from the crowded pews, he began to be aware of a feeling of uneasiness. Without realizing how it happened, he found himself comparing this minister with an obscure country pastor, humbly striving only to bring his congregation and himself to God, without any thought of self. The minister in whose place he had imagined himself was really no better than any other ambitious man, anxious only for fame. What would the judgment be on him in the next world? If he achieved heaven, he would certainly not achieve fame in heaven. It would be the obscure country pastor whose fame would ring out there through eternity, even though he were never heard of here. The world was wrong about its heroes. The world was wrong in its judgments. The fame of the unknown country pastor was really the greater - so much greater that any worldly accomplishment shrank into insignificance. This was the only fame that triumphed over the grave...

He had always wanted to be truly religious. He had been learning the lessons of religious since he first understood words. Yet how could he be religious and accomplish any ambition in this world?

And this is an excerpt of the letter that he wrote to the father of his future wife (Nancy), asking for permission to marry his daughter:

I have now to ask, whether you can consent to part with your daughter early next spring, to see her no more in this world; whether you can consent to her departure, and her subjection to the hardships and sufferings of a missionary life; whether you can consent to her exposure of the dangers of the ocean; to the fatal influence of the southern climate of India; to every kind of want and distress; to degredation, insult, persecution, and perhaps a violent death. Can you consent to all this, for the sake of him who left his heavenly home, and died for her and for you; for the sake of perishing, immortal souls; for the sake of Zion, and the glory of God? Can you consent to all this, in hope of soon meeting your daughter in the world of glory, with the crown of righteousness, brightened with the acclamations of praise which shall redound to her Saviour from heathens saved, through her means, from eternal woe and despair?

I have the sudden urge to do likewise (well, if I had a girlfriend).

Cleanness and Holiness

2009-11-01T05:07:00.001-08:00

October 21, 2009

Holiness as Cleanness

I've taken a longer break than I wish at this whole holiness exploration thing due to moving and so forth. It's good to be back meditating on this, and I can only pray that God will give me insight.

In my analysis of the Hebrew word(s) for holy, I concluded by saying that holiness is a kind of separate-plussness, but I wasn't sure what that “plus” was. I believe that it's a combination of things. Tonight, I'm going to write about a part of that “plussnness,” namely, holiness as cleanness. As I've read through Leviticus and pondered other things that I've heard in the past, I believe that God gave us the distinction between clean and dirty, in part, as a means of understanding holiness.

In the OT times, the distinction between clean and dirty was a powerful one. It goes back, in some form, at least as far as Noah, who was commanded to take different numbers of clean and unclean animals into the ark. It was recorded in writing and cemented in the Jewish law. Cleanness/uncleanness became a religious, ceremonial concept. If you were unclean, you had to stay away from the temple, and if you were clean, you could enter it (^{reference needed}). If you were unclean, you would stay away from people, because if you touched them, they became unclean. Objects you used also could become unclean.

Leviticus 10

I'll pick up in Leviticus 10 for some more specifics. Chapter 10 is a continuation of the narrative of Chapter 9, which records the dedication of Aaron and his sons as the first Hebrew priests. Chapter 10 begins with Nadab and Abihu (sons of Aaron) being consumed with fire from the Lord for disobeying His commands in how they burned incense in their censors. Why did God do this? Because He would be honored and show Himself holy before all the people (10:3). It was like another, small-scale, golden calf incident.

We're given an interesting command regarding the priests in verses 10-11. The priests, during their service, are not to drink wine or other fermented drink. I think this is a matter of respect for God, primarily, that they must come before a holy God in utter reverence, not drunk.

Whatever other reasons there may be, the next command is that the priests must teach the people to distinguish between holy and the common, clean and the unclean. They must also teach the Israelites the commands of God.

As I read this, I say, “aha!” Right there, we see holiness and cleanliness next to one another as things the priests must teach. And this is not the only time.

Leviticus 11: dietary laws

Chapter 11 is where it gets really interesting to me. It's where God starts writing about dietary laws. He divides certain animals as clean and certain animals as unclean for the Israelites, then tells them to detest and not eat the unclean ones.

In verses 24 and 25 (and elsewhere), we see regulations concerning the touching of unclean things. People also become unclean, clothing becomes unclean, clay pots they touch must be broken (11:33), etc.

These clean/unclean laws often come with something like the following pattern: 1) The process of becoming unclean (i.e. touching a carcass of an animal) 2) An inspection by a priest (in non-dietary laws) 3) The cleaning process or what to do with unclean things (i.e. washing people and clothing, breaking pots, etc) 4) A time period for the uncleanness after the washing (usually till evening).

The relationship between holiness and cleanness.

I believe that verses 43-45 show that there is a certain relationship between holiness and cleanness: “Do not defile yourselved by any of these creatures. Do not make yourselves unclean by means of them or be made unclean by them. I am Yahweh your God; consecrate yourselves and be holy, because I am holy. Do not make yourselves unclean by any creature that moves about on the ground. I am YHWH who brought you up out of Egypt to be your God; therefore, be holy, because I am holy.”

Again, the famous “Be holy, because I am holy.” However, look right above it! Ponder the implication of that statement, “Do not make yourselves unclean by any creature that moves about on the ground... Be holy...” The implication is that if they were to be made unclean by means of these unclean animals, they would also be spoiling their holiness. I take this to mean that their holiness included cleanness. That cleanness is a part of holiness.

Another great example of these two concepts closely tied together is chapter 21, which contains regulations for priests. Again and again priests are said to be holy. And at the same time, they are told that they must not make themselves unclean, even when a relative dies, because as priests, they're especially holy. The two are intertwined.

Why cleanness?

I said from the beginning that the holiness of God is a mystery too high and grand for us to grasp in its entirety. An assumption that I have made is that therefore, to help us understand it as best we can, He has given us analogies in the Scriptures. Separateness I think is the analogy that captures the essense of it best, but cleanness also helps us in our understanding.

Why cleanness? What is it about being clean that is supposed to help us understand that “plusness” of holiness?

First, cleanness is a good thing. In that ancient culture, and in all cultures I know of, being clean is good, and being dirty is bad (whatever clean and dirty mean in that culture). So with holiness: it is separateness, but separateness in a good way! It's an inherently good thing!

Cleanness is also a purity. If you are clean, you are not polluted by bad things. God, as supremely clean, is not polluted by sin or anything else in the world: He is clean and telling His people to be clean.

I think that another part of this analogy is that dirt gets on other things. This was repeated in various ways with the different regulations. For example, anyone who entered an unclean house became unclean till evening (14:46-47). Just as things that touch unclean things become unclean, so it is with unholiness. Holiness, when it is mixed with unholiness, becomes dirty, defiled. That's why God constantly tells His people: “Be holy because I am holy.” It's so easy to become unholy!

Well, I still have more to write about cleannness and holiness, so stay tuned!

More Livingstone

2009-10-29T05:25:00.000-07:00

Another quote about Dr. Livingstone:

"[A prayer] - not, to be noted, for his own safety (he never prayed for that) - but only for the furtherance of his enterprise and the salvation of hethen Africa."

And a quote by Livingstone:

"...And [in India], as well as in other lands where missionaries in the midst of masses of heathenism seem like voices crying in the wilderness - Reformers before the Reformation - future missionaries will see conversions following every sermon. We prepare the way for them. May they not forget the pioneers who worked in the thick gloom with few rays to cheer except such as flow from faith in God's promises. We work for a glorious future which we are not destined to see - the golden age which has not been, but yet will be...
"For this time we work; may God accept our imperfect service."

His attitude in the last quote reflects my attitude towards Japan, though I am far from a pioneer. Yet it may be that my work is to prepare the way for another. And look at the results of the preparation of men like Livingstone! The gospel has exploded in Africa, and the center of gravity of the church has shifted there and to East Asia. These words were prophetic indeed.

Livingstone

2009-10-26T03:21:00.000-07:00

I'm currently reading a book on David Livingstone. "David Livingstone, His Life and Letters," by a guy named George Seever, Copyright 1957. Livingstone was definitely one of "The Greats," if such a title means anything. He was a missionary through and through, and he endured things that modern missionaries would find unfathomable. He seemed to be a rather serious, dry person, but nothing stopped him. He lived 1813-1873. I'll give you a couple quotes by him:

"I am spared in health, while all the company have been attacked by the fever [malaria]. If God has accepted my service, then my life is charmed till my work is done."

Later, he had "Seven attacks of malaria in nine weeks." However, he kept travelling while sick with malaria.

"It is not the encountering of difficulties and dangers in obedience to the promptings of the inward spiritual life, which constitutes tempting of God and Providence; but the acting without faith, proceeding on our errands with no previous convictions of duty, and no prayer for aid and direction."
-I think by "tempting of God," he's referring to putting God to the test. i.e., it's not when we encounter insurmountable difficulties (7 attacks of malaria in 9 weeks) that we're sinning by putting God to the test, but it's when we act without faith and proceed forward without prayer or conviction of what God wants us to do that we are testing His providence. In other words, if we go forward in obedience and encounter dificulties, there is no testing of Him involved: He is sure to come through. I think that's what he's saying.

"Can the love of Christ not carry the missionary where the slave-trade carries the trader?"

"I shall open a path to the interior, or perish."

If you want to read more about David Livingstone (for free), I recommend this site: http://www.missionaryetexts.org/#davidlivingstone It has his journals, some memoirs, and a few biographies, all of which are now public domain. You can print them out and bind and read them as a book, if you want. I'm wanting to take advantage of that site more. Public domain stuff is amazing on the internet.

The quote most assicoated with him is "Dr. Livingstone, I presume." He was deep in the jungles of Africa, and he met another Caucasian, HM Stanly. Stanly instantly knew he'd found Livingstone (because there were no other white men in those jungles) and said the above quote (so the story goes).

I sometimes feel like that in Japan, though not so much in the Tokyo area. But sometimes, you can say, "I'll be waiting for you at the station. I'll be easy to spot, because I'm a foreigner."

"Mr. Stoll, I presume?"

2009-10-21T06:55:00.001-07:00

Thanks to everyone for a couple comments, lately. Good hearing some feedback.

Writing more about holiness.... Hope I can post it within a week.

Good life

2009-10-16T07:35:00.001-07:00

October 16, 2009

The Good Life that God has Given Me

Arriving home just now and walking into an empty house, I found myself meditating with simple thanks that God has given me a good life to live, and I am thankful for this. He has given me a good life for the living.

I found myself walking to the train station today singing hymns quietly to myself with a sense of gratitude for the cool air on my skin and the silence occasionally punctured by screeching trains along the tracks.

I had a good family growing up.

I was given an experience of true love... not the romantic kind yet, but a deep family of loving Christians in San Luis Obispo. And I saw a revival in action in that place. Not many have experienced that.

I have now felt true pain and loneliness, and on the other side of it, life is the sweeter and my joy double-rebounded from knowing it.

Naked Men and Simple Testimonies

2009-10-12T04:51:00.000-07:00

Oct. 11, 2009

Naked Men and Simple Testimonies

Sunday night

Well, here I am in Chiba-ken, relaxing and seeking what the Lord has for me upon my return to Japan (next year). I've wanted to get back to writing about the holiness of God, but with all the moving and such, this is one of the first times in the last couple weeks that I've sat down to actually write. My author's heart weeps because of this.

Yesterday, I went to a retreat with Jesus Community Chapel (a.k.a. Calvary Chapel Kokubunji), and I just got back. It was a marvellous experience.

It was also a tough experience: there were hours and hours of Japanese sermons (Calvary Chapel pastors talk just as long in in Japan), and though there was a translation, I tried to listen in Japanese, and I picked up somewhere around 50%. It was pretty awesome to listen to a sermon in Japanese and actually get something out of it. However, I was short on sleep and so really struggled, especially during some of those sleepy, mid-afternoon messages. However, I really had a good time communicating with a lot of people in Japanese.

The most powerful part was spending time with men. Apart from just being darn-lonely in Kagawa, I was really short on fellowship with men. And I realized just how powerful that fellowship is this weekend. “As iron sharpens iron.”

The Bath

After all the sessions were done last night, we went to our room (13 guys in one, big room; only me and one other were foreigners) and started donning hotel-provided yukatas (a type of Japanese robe). I knew we were headed for the onsen (Japanese bath).

Now, I've done Japanese baths and know the etiquitte, though I'm still afraid that some rule I don't know will someday stab me in the back. The first and most important part is to walk into the bath labelled “men” (unless you happen to be a woman, of course). Thankfully, I've never screwed that one up. Inside, there's a changing room. The only thing you change into is your birthday suit; welcome to the onsen.

In the actual bath-room, there's a bath and showers. You're supposed to shower before you soak in the bath, so as to keep the water clean. That's another one that would be really rude to screw up. The bath is just for boiling... err... soaking. Anyways, in all this, the one thing you have to cover yourself is a small, white towel (well, till you hop in the bath, at least).

The 4 or 5 times I've done a Japanese bath, it's been alone or with only one or two others. This time, there were about 15 of us. And you know, that's a whole different experience. Working up the courage to go into a public bath isn't quite as hard when you're going in with that many guys, but I still haven't got used to people carrying on a conversation with me while we're all naked. One of the guys commented how cool it was that I shaved with a razor (Japanese men aren't known for their ability to grow beards).

After I was well-boiled, I went out, dried off some, and started putting on my clothes and brushing my teeth. At about 10:00, the official closing time for the onsen, the other foreigner came into the room and took his bath once almost everyone else was out. Somehow, mysteriously, he'd gotten separated from us on the way there. Yeah, foreigners tend to be shy about this sort of thing.

By now, I'm used to the whole onsen concept, but I still get nervous every time I go into one. This time, I realized that it's not being seen naked that bothers me as much as having to see other guys naked. That's just one of those things in this life I'd rather pass on. When you're alone, you can avoid it, but with 15 others in small room... Well, still getting used to that very revealing part of Japanese culture.

Men's Fellowship

After our bath, we went back to the guy's room and played a card game called Cucco (apparently made in 16th century France or something like that) until late at night. Later than was healthy: I really needed some sleep.

However, sometime in the middle of playing that game, I felt a strong sense of peace and goodness. And I realized how much I have been lacking in male fellowship and how much I've been longing for it. Just being a part of that group and having some guys to hang out with, from a couple middle-school-age kids to a man in his 50s, was an experience of sublime contentment for me. And despite everything else, I gotta say that the onsen contributed to it. Some kind of bizarre bonding happens when you're without clothes.

Men need other men for fellowship. I've been on the other side of that (having little fellowship and virtually no time for men to be men). And though I can't yet prove it from scripture, I gotta say that I now know from experience that men need fellowship with other men in a group of only men. You just can't escape that part of human nature.

I give glory to God for that night. We'd been praying in one of the earlier sessions for a filling of the Spirit, and it seems that God answered my prayer to Him, but in a totally different way, not with a spectacular experience of a new depth of knowledge of Himself, but with the simple, incredible pleasure of a guy's night.

The Testimony

I'll tell you about another fascinating experience I had. I spoke to a woman at lunch today, and she told me about the women's evening. They stayed in conversation till deep in the night. Each had talked about how they each came to know Jesus. The testimony that really impressed this lady was another woman's, and it was really a rather simple testimony. She had always felt like there was something wrong in her, so she went to church, and now she's a Christian. I mean, that was basically it. I was surprised that this was the testimony that had stuck out so much from that night.

Here's why it stuck out: when a Japanese person hears about something like a yakuza (Japanese mafia) who repents and becomes a Christian, it's an amazing story, but it doesn't connect in the sense of, “Oh, this is just like me.” It's too big, too grand. A yakuza is a real criminal who deserves to go to jail. But most Japanese are very respectible, kind people.

“Tsumi” is the Japanese word we use for sin. It's not used very often, but I've heard it on the news before when they were talking about a criminal. And that's more how the word comes across when people hear it. Crime. A tsumi-bito (sinner) is like a criminal. So, when they hear one of these testimonies that we Americans would call amazing, the concept of “I'm a sinner” is not understood.

However, when Japanese hear a simple testimony like the above one, it hits home. It's a normal, ordinary Japanese person telling this, not someone on the fringes of society. Apparently, that has some power to break down the “I'm not a sinners” wall that keeps Japanese people out of the kingdom. They realize that even though they're normal members of society, they have sin, and some of the emotional repression of Japanese society begins to crack.

People in Japan who have not had a Christian upbringing are all-but terrified of walking into a church for the first time. Often (most of the time?) they have some huge problem. The ladies who heard that testimony were surprised, and I also was surprised to hear that a women with no major crisis in her life saw a church sign and went to church. That just doesn't happen in Japan. It almost always takes something really, really big (like attempting suicide or something) for a Japanese to come to church.

That woman's testimony was powerful because it says that you can become a Christian without coming to the brink of your sanity.

My wife is ugly

In America, we play things up. That's part of our culture. In Japan, you play things down. Japan is a very modest culture. When you give someone a gift, you say something that translates roughly to: “It's a boring thing, but...” When someone says to you, “Your wife is beautiful,” the proper response is, “No, she's actually ugly.” And when someone says, “Your son is really good at math,” you should reply, “Not really, he's rather stupid.” Why?

In Japan, if you say that your wife is beautiful or your child is actually good at math, you sound really boastful. I personally think that it's best to just say “thank you” rather than scarring your child for life, but that's not what the culture expects. You always make things seem small. You try not to stick out.

So, the testimony. This is a perfect, Japanese testimony! It's small. It's modest. “I felt like something was wrong, so I started going to chuch, and I got saved.” The big testimonies are too loud, too boisterous for Japan. They probably even scare some Japanese off. What self-respecting Japanese wants to go to a church with a bunch of ex-yakuza running around? Most people here manage their lives very well in absolute plainness and don't want anything big or flashy to happen (unless it's a promotion at work). They're really quite like hobbits.

Well, hopefully soon I can return to my meditations on holiness, but I hope you've enjoyed my little account of the retreat.

2009-10-12T04:46:00.001-07:00

In Chiba

2009-10-07T06:19:00.000-07:00

If anyone is curious, I've arrived in Chiba (which is near Tokyo). Here's a map!

View Some places I've been in October, 2009 in a larger map

I'm staying with the head of my mission for about a month and will be exploring options for future language school and service in the Tokyo area. I just visited Osaka and had a good time there after saying my farewells in Kagawa.

Please pray for wisdom with what I should do and that I'd be able to keep myself busy here!!!

Holiness and the Golden Calf

2009-10-02T20:12:00.001-07:00

Sept. 26, 2009

Holiness as Cleanness

For the moment, I'm going to skip my Greek exploration of holiness and look at God's reaction to His holiness being violated by His people. In Exodus 32, we read of the tale of the golden calf, and I think that we can learn a lot about God's holiness from this. Or rather, what His holiness wasn't.

The Golden Calf

In this period of time, the giving of the law, God was revealing to Israel things never revealed before. He was showing them who He was and what He wanted of them. So, I do not think it is too far a stretch to say that from the golden calf incident, God chose to show things about His character.

A first interesting thing to note is that Aaron was not making a new god, He was saying to Israel, “This is your God, oh Israel, who brought you out of Egypt!” (32:4) In verse 5, he even said that they would have a feast to YHWH, meaning that the golden calf (in his opinion) was an idol of YHWH, the God of Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob. He did not seek to create a new god, but simply to give a form to the invisible God.

Why was this such a great sin? After all, it seems like he was just trying to help the people worship God! Well, yes, but there are a lot of problems with the way he went about it. God had already commanded them (Ex. 20:4) not to make idols in the form of anything in heaven above or earth below. Srike one. In addition, it sounds like they were indulging in an orgy. Strike two. But perhaps the greatest strike (and the list could go on) is that this was a violation of God's holiness.

First of all, it's interesting to note that to Moses, the calf was not a perverted version of God, it wasn't God. He said, “They have made for themselves a god of gold.” (32:31). I wish I had the Hebrew knowledge to say for sure, but it sounds like Moses is saying “that's something other than YHWH.” Why? Why didn't he just say that it wasn't right to worship an idol and call it YHWH? Why was the golden calf something that was entirely not YHWH?

I believe the greatest part of that answer is that the idol was not holy. Remember, holiness is separateness. It is the other-worldliness of God. No animal could capture that essential part of God. Not only is a calf an every-day animal, but by worshipping the invisible God as a statue, you make him just like all the gods of the surrounding nations, who are worshipped as idols. In other words, by making him every-day, you strip Him of His holiness.

Perhaps more than anything, that is what the Israelites got wrong at the golden calf. That is why the anger of God burned against them. And so, from that incident, we see the essenense of holiness (separateness) displayed again. This is the negative of it: what holiness is not.

One more interesting note

One more interesting note about the golden calf incident is the description of the tablets which the law was written on: “Now the tablets were the work of God, and the writing was the writing of God engraved on the tablets.” That is appropriate. The tablets were not God. They were not an image of God. They were His writing, and in them people could learn of Him, but they were not objects of worship.

The tablets maintained God's holiness. They were holy, but there was a layer of separation between them and most holy God. They were just His work. Because they were not an object of worship, in a sense, they were an antithesis of the golden calf.

Another interesting part of this story is where Moses intercedes, in verses 11-14. Because Moses pleaded for the people, God relented and did not bring the calamity He was threatening. It's just like Jesus. Because He intercedes for us, God relents and does not punish us as our sins deserve. By not worshipping Him and serving Him as He deserves, we are just as guily as the Israelites. We do not treat Him as holy: no one does. And when you violate the holiness of God, you deserve wrath, a plague. However, like Moses, Jesus steps in the way, and God gives us His mercy.

Hidden Face of Japan (part 2)

2009-09-27T05:11:00.000-07:00

Here's a few more quotes from the Hidden face of Japan. Scroll down if you want part 3 of my series on holiness (hopefully, part 4 will be up soon!).

At least a third of the Japanese population in some areas have visited a Christian church at some time in their lives, if only to attend a wedding or funeral. between a quarter and a third of the population possess Christian literature in their homes, and at some time in their lives have read it either regularly or occasionally. However, official statistics, based on church membership figures, show that less than two percent of the Japanese population are Christians. Sociological surveys, on the other hand, consistently show a rather higher percentage who call themselves Christians. This is because many of those who have attended a Christian school or university feel more identified with Christianity than with any other religion. They therefore call themselves 'Christians.'
I can testify that there is a lot of Christian literature that has been distributed throughout Japan. In most of Japan, if people want to hear the gospel, there is some way to. However, there is no salt and light in their lives. There are no Christian witnesses, just perhaps the occasional literature.

Finally, a fascinating paragraph about Father Organitino, a Roman Catholic missionary to Japan in the mid-sixteenth century:

He [Father Organitino] had a feeling that spirits lurking in the mountains, woods and houses were always intent on preventing the spread of the gospel in Japan. Then he had a vision of the indigenous gods of the country. One of them, a minor deity, told him how they absorb but change the foreign gods out of all recognition into Japanese ones. This spirit concluded by commenting: 'Perhaps in the long run, your Christian God will be changed into an indigenous god of this country. As Chinese and Indian gods were once changed, the Western god must likewise be changed. We spirits of the land are always haunting you in the trees, in the wind that passes over a rose, or even in the twilight which lingers on the walls of temples. We are here everywhere and always. Beware of us, beware of us.

Holiness, part 3

2009-09-26T07:11:00.001-07:00

Sept. 14, 2009

Qadowsh

Holiness, part 3

Using Blue Letter Bible, I've begun to do a little research into the word holy. My first question is: is it the same as the word “sacred?” Is there a difference between the two concepts? Doing a quick search, I've found three words: qadash (172 appeareances in the Hebrew OT), qadowsh (116 appeareances), and qodesh (468 appearances). Qadash seems to be used more for sanctify and it is a verb, and qadowsh is used more for holy, and it is an adjective. Qodesh is a noun with a variety of meanings.

The three words

Qadash (sanctify) seems to be used in terms of “sanctify something or another,” as it is a verb. It is used for sanctifying priests, a firstborn, or the sabbath day. It seems to me that the meaning of this word (or the English sanctify) is to make something holy.

Qadowsh (holy) seems to be used in terms of a holy place (in the temple), God as being Holy (Isaiah 6), Israel as a holy people, more or less as an adjective. It also describes God (in English) as the Holy One of Israel and is used for OT references to “Saints.” Interestingly, Exodus 29:37, the people are ordered to qadash the alter to make it qadowsh. Sanctify it to make it holy. So, from a quick reading, it seems that sanctifying is the process of making something holy. Therefore, a sanctified thing, like the alter, is a holy thing.

Qodesh is our noun. It's used to describe holy gifts or holy things (which are literally, “qodesh”, or “holies”). It's used as a word that we translate sometimes into sanctuary in the English (when referring to the tabernacle or temple), meaning that the sanctuary was literally the “holy” of God. There's also another word used about half the time for sanctuary which seems more literally to mean “sanctuary.” As near as I can tell, when something in the Bible in English is “most Holy” (like the holy of holies), it's qodesh qodesh (holy holy). I suppose this makes the holy holy holy of God (despite being three Qadowshes) rather significant: even one more level of holy.

I believe it's interesting to point out that God is often described as qadowsh, but He is never quadashed. God has no need of sancifying (being made holy), because He is inherently holy. Because He is holy, nothing can be done to make Him more holy. However, things that are sanctified are sanctified TO HIM.

In short, in the Hebrew, I think that these are all different forms of the same word: holy, holiness, and to holy (adjective, noun, and verb).

But what does it mean?

These words have a strong nuance of seperateness. This makes sense: when you make something holy, you seperate it to a god. So, the meaning of holy itself implies seperateness. Perhaps this is even the root meaning of it... not sure, gotta research that one some more.

However, I'm going to place a theory that all true holiness is derived from the holiness of God. All seperateness is derived from the separateness of God. Hmm... interesting when you put it that way. Because there's lots of other serparateness in this world. Separate tubes of toothepaste for married couples; doors that separate different rooms. A very big wall to separate the US and Mexico. There are all kinds of separateness in this world. However, I wouldn't describe the wall between the US and Mexico as a sanctifying wall. It's just a separating wall. I wouldn't describe my shoes as holy because I'm the only one who wears them. They're just separated to me. So, there is a difference between separateness and holiness.

Indeed, there is a different Hebrew word used for “separate” when it's used in the plain sense (not holiness). This is parad and comes out 26 times in the OT. It's used for rivers that part in Genesis 2. It's used for nations dividing and covering the earth in Genesis 10. Abram and Lot parad. And the like. In my very quick survey, I find a suspicious lack of the word from Exodus to Deuteronomy, where holiness and sacredness are used all over the place. So, in short, there is a separate word for separate, so holiness, despite being separateness, means something far, far more.

Back to the point

Anyways, about all holiness in the world being derived from God's holiness. I'm going to use “separate-plus” as a running definition for holiness. This separate-plusness exists as a primary atribute of God. And things, such as those in the temple, are called holy. In this case, I think what's being said is that when a person is made holy (like a priest), they are pulled out from unholy things (things that are unified, not separate) and united with God in his holiness.

In other words, picture a line. To the left of the line is everything. To the right of the line is God and only God. When something is sanctified, is is taken from the everything-side and put on the God-side (separated). A holy thing is something that is on the God-side of the line, meaning that it is cut off or separated from all other things.

Conclusion

So, where have I come?

I've come to the conclusion that sacredness and holiness are the same thing but different parts of speech.

Holiness is separate-plusness.

However, I don't understand what that “plus” is. What is it that makes holiness different from separateness? I believe that as I find that, I will get to the point where no word (in any language) can accurately describe holiness. That “plus” is what I'm seeking more than anything and where I believe a great blessing lies.

My working theory is that holiness is inherent to God and that all holy things are holy because they are separated to Him from other things. This will probably have some significant meaning when it comes to Christian sanctification the command that we should be holy.

One of the next things that I plan to do is to do a similar word search to this of holiness as it appears in the New Testament.

Until then...

A diversion

2009-09-26T00:26:00.000-07:00

Taking a brief diversion on my writing on holiness, I want to give some insights on a question I am often asked. Why is Japan so closed to the gospel? Why are there so few Christians here?

I want to throw up some quotes from a book I recently finished called The Unseen Face of Japan by David C. Lewis. It's a book about Japanese culture, specifically Japanese religious practices.

At first [1870s] the Christians were drawn primarily from among the sons of the former Samurai class who studied in the mission schools and were most easily accessible to the missionaries. The samurai had lost the privileges which they had enjoyed under the Tokugawa regime [for over 250 years], so that, in comparison with other classes, the younger samurai became less attached to traditional social norms... For the most part, Japanese Christians were drawn from the educated, urban population.

However, the social characteristics of these early Christian converts 'have sown seeds of such highbrow nature in Japanese Christianity that they have erected a barrier against the broad propagation if Christianity among the common people.'Because the early Protestant converts came from the bureaucrats of the samurai class who had served under feudal domains which had been affiliated with a deposed shogunate, there developed in Japanese Christianity a 'certain aloofness from the establishment... Once a body of believers had been drawn from the urban middle class, and once these people had organized and established churches, they promptly made their churches miniature closed societies. People of other classes, coming into contact with these cliques, felt shut out and rejected... Several studies by different scholars have shown how in subsequent decades there continued to be a conspicuous tendency for Christianity to be confined largely to the urban, educated, white-collar classes.

The next paragraph is about one of the biggest barriers to Christianity taking root in Japan. It also describes the late 1800s and hasn't changed much:

To a large extent, evangelism was left to the professional clergy. Yamamori suggests that this could be a cultural legacy of the Buddhist and Shinto services in which the lay people are passive recipients. Missionaries and pastors were regarded as the trained specialists on Christianity. For the predominantly white-collar Japanese Christians, the heavy emphasis places on learning meant that many of them had a view of Christianity which was psychologically colored by traditional Japanese attitudes towards the 'master-disciple' (sensei-seito) relationship. This reinforced the monolithic leadership structure of most Japanese churches.

Holiness in Exodus

2009-09-14T03:33:00.000-07:00

Sept. 9, 2009 (9-9-9)

Exodus

Holiness, part 2

Today, I finished Exodus, and I want to look at one or two things.

First of all, as I read through the descriptions of the temple, I can't help but be amazed at all the gold that was used in it. As I picture this thing, it was magnificant, and the magnificance was meant to be a physical display of God's glory. God has an inherent beauty and majesty, something far more beautiful and majestic than anything we could picture or imagine, and that's what His glory is (simplistically). I feel like there's a relation to holiness there, like His glory is the displaying of His holiness, or something like that. Not yet sure.

Exodus 40 is fascinating. It is the completion of the tabernacle and the descending of the glory of God on it. I think that Exodus 40 is where the articles of the tabernacle (the ark, alter, incense alter, table, etc) become holy. Before then, they were gold artifacts, but not holy unto God. Before then, the workmen could touch them freely to work on them. After then, it would be death to touch them.

Moses annointed each artifact and the tabernacle itself with annointing oil, and they became holy (40:9). It's almost like God was saying, “this is now the official tabernacle. These aren't just fine gold things, these are the articles of the tabernacle.” That seal of approval from God that these things were holy is what was going on as Moses annointed them. Then Aaron and the his sons were washed and annointed, and Aaron was clothed in the holy garments. In other words, they became holy to the service of God. This whole chapter is about everything being made holy (artifacts and people).

In verses 18-30, Moses sets up the tabernacle, annoints the stuff, etc. He is a mere man, but at his touch, things become holy. And he is the one doing all the work: He raised the tabernacle, he spread the tent, he put the Testimony into the ark and put the mercy seat on top of the ark and inserted the poles into the ark so that others could carry it in the future. He put the lampstands in the tabernacle and lit the lamps and burned incense. And more. In short, he did everything the priests would do in future generations, only he set it up and did it for the first time.

I feel like this is a foreshadowing of Christ, as Moses stood halfway between man and God setting up the means for forgiveness of sins to be made and for worship to take place. At Moses' annointing, things became holy, just as through Christ's annointing (in the Spirit), we become holy.

And then in verses 34-38, the cloud descended on the tabernacle, and the glory of God filled it: yes indeed, this place was holy. No doubt about it. God confirmed the holiness and the appropriateness of this place of worship.

I must say, this is interesting to look at. And I need to do my etymology research, but this idea of things being separated for God's service is captured by the word “sanctified.” I'm not sure what relation this has to holiness, or if “sanctify” is simply a verb that means “to make holy.” They may be the same word in the original, for all I know.

However, this separateness is a significant part of holiness, I think. It is a part of God: that He is utterly untouchable by us. He is far above and separate, and the best way to express this to us humans was to give us the tabernacle, where everything was holy, and to touch something holy meant death.

I think that for our holiness, it means that we should avoid being touched by defiled things (sin). If in this physical expression of His holiness it was wrong that the unholy should touch the holy, then we imitate God's holiness by keeping free of the touch of sin. However, none of us can do this as we ought, so Jesus came and died in our place and forgave us, declared us holy, and now we learn to walk out in actuality our declared position of holiness (our sanctification).

There's a significant thing about holiness to learn from Exodus 40. And for once, I'm excited to get into Leviticus.

Holiness, holiness is what I long for...

2009-09-09T06:40:00.000-07:00

September 8, 2009

God's Holiness

In the last few days, there is a topic that has captured my heart and is building in interest and passion: what is holiness? What does it mean? At first, it was just a wondering at what the word “Holiness” means. I mean, it's everywhere: Be thee holy; Holy, Holy, Holy is the Lord God Almighty; Holy to the Lord (hung on a big gold plate on the front of the High Priest's turban); the Holy Bible; holiness, holiness is what I long for; his holiness the Pope; the Holy Roman Empire; etc. It's not just in the Bible; the word has seeped its way into “Christian” cultures, as well. The words holy/holiness appears 654 times in the KJV Bible. That's more times than the word sin/sinned/sinner (588 times). So it must be an important concept.

However, when I think of holiness, I get a vague image of white light combined with incomplete explanations from various sermons and books over the years. For a subject that appears throughout the pages of scripture constantly, we in the modern, Western church do not talk of holiness much.

So, what does it mean?

That's what I started wondering. But I realized that there was a deeper thing to ponder, and that is the essence of holiness. Not only “What does the word 'holy' mean,” but “What is holiness?” I believe these are two different questions. In the Bible, there are some words for holy in Greek and Hebrew, but those are still words in human languages. As I begin to ponder this question, I suddenly find myself wondering: can you even describe holiness in a human tongue? I suddenly find myself believing that human words are things that God has hijacked to give us His revelation in the scripture, but that they are wholly inadequate to even begin to describe this radical quality called holiness. It's like trying to show the full beauty of a sunset in a photograph, or trying to give the impression of the awesome terror of being caught in a thunderstorm through a recording: both are impossible.

So, realizing that deeper than the definition of the Greek and Hebrew words for holiness, there is an underlying reality that cannot be expressed in language, I want to embark on a quest to explore what holiness is. In the last few days, I've begun asking that question, and I've started requesting of God, “Help me to understand what holiness is; what 'holy' means.” “Show me your holiness.” My reasons are many.

First, and foremost, it is a desire to know God deeper. In my understanding of holiness up to this point, influenced greatly from The Knowledge of the Holy, by A.W. Tozer (one of the few books I've read says anything meaningful about the topic), I believe that holiness is the central most defining aspect of God. I base this primarily on Isaiah 6, where God is called, “Holy, holy, holy.” There is no statement like this anywhere else in scripture (the triple holy), which leads me to believe that God's holiness, whatever it is, is what makes Him Him. Without it, more than any other attribute of God, He would not be the God He is. It is, in other words, the primary aspect of God. I see love as lagging just behind holiness, because of statements like I John's “God is Love.”

However, if this is the primary aspect of God, the very core of His essence (so much as his essence is revealed to us), and I do not understand it, then I do not know God very well, and I'm missing out on some of the greatest delights and pleasures and ecstasy of knowing Him. Therefore, I want to understand His holiness that I may know Him more and fall deeper in love with Him.

Understanding God's holiness also gives me another lens through which to understand the Cross. I believe that as I understand holiness deeper, I will come up with an understanding of the Cross that goes something like this: Jesus left the perfect holiness of heaven and came into this defiled world to take our unholiness and sin upon Himself and bury it, so that we could be holy again and know and be with a holy God (because part of holiness is that it must not come into contact with unholy things, lest it be defiled). On the third day, He rose from the dead, taking back His holiness from the clutches of Satan and offering us imputed holiness in Himself.” I believe that will be a powerful thing once I flesh it out a little more.

There are also some very practical reasons for this pursuit. First, is that I think the Japanese have a greater cultural awareness of holiness... sort of. They have an awareness of cleanness and uncleanness and separating things for specific uses. The most obvious example of this is not wearing your shoes in the house: the house is, in a sense, “holy” for this reason. So, though this, I hope to come up with a way to more effectively share the gospel with the Japanese (like the above-mentioned).

In addition, I hope to find a way to better explain to the Japanese, or anyone, who God is. If holiness is His most defining characteristic, and I want to explain to someone who God is, then I must know holiness backwards and forwards, inside and out, so that I can explain it, especially if I'm doing it in freaking Japanese. This is especially true for Japanese people, to whom a proper understanding of God is perhaps the hardest step in understanding Christianity. It's not just that I must know God more, but I want to be able to explain who He is better to others.

That's God's holiness. Thanks to Tozer, I see (though this may change with time), our holiness as being different. When we talk about God as holy, it is the awe-inspiring, majestic, other-worldliness of Him we speak of. When we speak of our holiness, it's often righteous actions we're speaking of. So, I want to understand that holiness, too, that thing I'm pursuing in actions and that I believe is imputed to us at the moment of salvation.

So, there it is. My latest quest. And somehow I'm going to carry it on whilst getting ready to move to Tokyo, take a furlough, and without giving up studying Japanese. Amazing.

And while I'd love to jump out and read a book on the subject by someone who lived at least 300 years ago (as per John Piper's advice), I'm going to refrain from that for the moment. I recently re-started reading the Old Testament, and I'm in Exodus. Wow! I'm reading through a description of the temple, right now. The temple is basically about separating the holy from the unholy, climaxing in the holy of holies, where the Holy God dwells. The fact that I can use the word “holy” so many times in one sentence means that there's a lot about holiness to be understood from Exodus! What a great place to be. So, I'm going to try to search the scriptures myself, for a time.

That being said, something I hope to do soon is to look at the meaning of holiness, the word, in the original Greek and Hebrew languages. If I'm going to grasp its essence, I must first try to figure out what in the world the word that we use to describe it actually means. I'm specifically really interested in the relationship between “holy” and “sanctified.” Do they mean the same thing? Something even close? We shall see, yes indeed.

If you can't tell from this, I'm passionate about this little (maybe big) project. I feel like there is an infinite world of light, pleasure, and resounding glory to be found out there in God's holiness, and up till now, I've barely dabbled my feet in the endless depths of the ocean of who He is. I honestly just want to take a day and fast and pray about this, because I feel like that's about the most exciting thing I could do right now. I really think that this is something big that God is doing in my heart. And that's where it must end up. Understanding His holiness is not just a mental exercise, but one that will pierce to the very deepest parts of my heart with unquenchable light. This is a heart exercise, because that's where the knowledge has to penetrate once I've figured out the facts. This is a truly exciting endeavor.

Ride the wave

2009-08-31T05:41:00.002-07:00

I think that I know what I want to do as a missionary. I want to get prepared to ride whatever wave God puts in front of me, then ride it. I want to learn Japanese and learn what it takes for a Japanese church to function, then I want to go start some.

I can't get much more specific than that at the moment. In the end, it's up to God to provide "the wave" (that is, a ministry situation where I will see fruit). However, the best thing I can do towards being fruitful is to spend the next couple years learning to surf, so to speak. I must get ready, then seize whatever opportunity He gives me to glorify Him and advance the kingdom.

A real Studd

2009-08-31T05:41:00.001-07:00

August 30, 2009

C.T. Studd

I just finished a very brief biography on C.T. Studd (1860-1931). He was a real stud (there, that's out of the way). The book was C.T. Studd: No Retreat by Janet and Geoff Benge, which I bought on Amazon. It was written more for about middle-school age, so it was 188 pages (large print) and utterly devoid of details. I searched for other biographies on this man, but alas, none of them are over 250 pages. Well, complaining about shortness of the book is now also out of the way.

Life

I won't write on the details of his life, because I don't have the desire to, tonight. If you want to read up on him, I suggest ordering a book, but for goodness sakes, don't get the “Christian Heroes: Then and Now” book by the Benges (unless it's for your kids), get the one written in the 30s by Norman Grubb. Anyways, I mostly want to ponder his life, especially on his later years.

C.T. Studd was born into an incredibly wealthy family and lived the life of the British elite. He became an internationally famous cricket player in his 20s, then God called him to serve in China with China Inland Mission (now Overseas Mission Fellowship). Studd went out as part of seven famous young men who went out who became known as “The Cambridge Seven.” In China, he married Priscilla Stewart, who remained his wife until dying two years before C.T.

After serving in China for about 10 years, Studd had to head back to England because of severe Asthma, and his wife was also very weak. They stayed there for a few years, living the luxurious life of his family, and ministering. They served foreigners living in India for a few years, and again returned to England for the same health reasons. Studd continued a great ministry in England and the states. When he was about 50, he felt God calling him to go to the deepest parts of Africa (eventually, the Belgian Congo). He went there and founded World Evangelism Commission (WEC). Studd spent the rest of his life serving in Africa, where he saw great success, and he took only about two furloughs during that period.

So the story goes.

Radical Man

Studd was a radical man. He constantly faced opposition from others and constantly endured in spite of it. His family was strongly opposed to his becoming an overseas missionary (all three times he did it), yet he essentially ignored them and followed God's command. Because of his father's early death, he inherited 20,000 pounds, which was enough money to live comfortably on for the rest of his life. When he inherited it, he was in China, and he decided to give 100% of it to Christian ministries, despite everyone around him trying to deter him from doing so. His marriage was also a quick thing. Because they'd only seen one another a handful of times, He didn't even know Priscilla's age when he proposed. People also recommended against that as well, because Priscilla was very physically weak.

In particluar, everyone opposed Studd going to Africa. He was too old and in bad health because of his asthma. A board supported him at one point, provided he could pass a medical exam. He passed the exam, but the doctor said that he couldn't go below a certain latitude (not into the jungle). Studd, being the man he was, refused this condition, and the mission board revoked their support. But he went anyways, wanting to form a new mission, which eventually became WEC. He went with a few other missionaries, but all except one abandoned him, choosing to serve in other parts of Africa. The one who stayed with him was Alfed Buxton, a young man who served faithfully with C.T. for over 15 years and later married C.T.'s daughter.

One of the Greats?

There are certian missionaries that I call “The Greats.” It's a rather ambiguous term that refers to the likes of William Carrey, Hudson Taylor, and Adinoram Judson. Everyone interested in the histrory of missions should know the Greats. It's a rather arbitrary distinction, because it's based on the visible, well-known fruit of their ministries, so they're not necessarily any better than any other missionaries. They just changed the course of history, that's all. They were the first ones to go, and many of them founded missions. In Heaven, I don't think that God will have any such distinction, and if he does, then some of the Greats will be people who no one has ever heard of.

Studd seems to have been one of the Greats. He had a long carreer and, after all, founded WEC, a mission which today has 1,500 missionaries and is responsible for such things as the Perspectives course, Operation World, and the Travelling Team. However, as I read this book, I realize what a difficult person he must have been to work with and wish I knew more details of his life. I theorize that his greatest strength: pushing forward in spite of all odds and opposition, became in his later years his greatest weakness.

Here are a few examples. When he went to Africa, he left his wife and adult daughters for about two years during the first trip. But then he left his wife again, and again, and during the last ten years of their lives, he only saw her once for about two weeks. He did not want to see her again, because he thought if they did, it might be too hard to part (according to this book). An official reason that they did not see one another was because he was doing such an important work in Africa, and she was doing an important work for the mission in Britain and America, and he didn't want to risk her dying in disease-ridden Africa. She was, after all, rather frail. The only reason he saw for two weeks was because she took a brief trip to Africa, even though he told her not to.

During his later years in WEC, Studd was told time and again by the mission board to take a furlough, but he refused to. Not only did he ignore his wife to stay in Africa, but he ignored his mission board and developed quite a reputation on the home front for doing so.

At one point, missionaries around him started wondering why they weren't allowed things like a day off, a wooden table and chairs, glass windows in their huts, and occasional foods from the West. They grumbled about it. Studd said about this in a journal, “Let us do one thing or the other – either eat and drink, for tomorrow we die, or let us gamble with life and death and all for our Lord Jesus. None but gamblers wanted out here; let the grumblers go home.” Please note that this was in response to requesting things like a day off and wooden tables.

In 1921, seven new missionary recruits from America came to the field. These were the first from WEC USA. In contrast to the existing British missionaries, mostly Methodist and Presbyterian, these were mostly Baptists, and they argued bitterly over some Biblical texts (again, this is where I wish a had a more detailed biography). Studd, being the experienced missionary he was, sided with the British against the Americans. Within a few weeks, the American missionaries left, never to return.

The rift gets deeper. Alfed Buxton (who was in Africa with C.T. from the beginning) was like a brother to C.T., as near as I can tell. A few years after the incident with the American missionaries, he went to America to try to smooth things over, because WEC USA was threatening to split from the rest of the mission. Studd felt that everything had been the fault of the rookie American missionaries, and when he found out that Alfred was trying to smooth things over, he sent a letter accusing Alfred of disloyalty and dismissing Alfred from the mission. In doing so, he also dismissed his own daughter (Alfred's wife) from the mission.

Near the end of his life, to deal with the pain of untreated gall stones, Studd seems to have fallen into some level of morphine usage. Whether it was an addiction or not, it's hard to say from my limited reading.

What Can We Learn?

I must say that when I read this story, C.T. Studd did not seem to finish his race well. Oh, he kept preaching till the very end, and he won thousands to Christ, to be sure. But he also deeply wounded many near to him, and maybe even fell into drug addiction. I must conclude as I find myself doing often, that we need other Christians. We can't do it on our own. This journey is just too hard. Satan's attacks are too constant. And not just that we need other Christians around us, but we need to listen to them. We need people who can speak into our lives and say, “You're abusing your power and out of control. You need to slow down. You need to get back together with your wife.”

Studd and his wife lived apart for about a third of their married life. Decades. Is that Biblical? Is forcing your missionaries to work 7 days a week Biblical? And if it's Biblical, is it wise, or are you just going to burn them out? Studd, for all his bravery and boldness in ignoring people who would hold him back in his mission, seems to have turned that into ignoring people, period. He seems to have closed his heart to listening to input at some point. And that is a very dangerous place to be.

Missionaries must be careful. We are more vulnerable than anyone to Satan's attacks. Even “the Greats” had sin in their lives, and sometimes, that sin had serious reprecussions, like the dismissal of Alfred. That's why “the Greats” is a bad label, anyways. They were big sinners, just like us. We all have to beware becoming grumpy old men, especially if we are stubborn in our youth.

And yet, even though he made some big mistakes, C.T. still won so many to Christ and started a major mission. He was a legend among the Christians in Africa. He accomplished impossible things for God. I he did more than I even dream of.

The way I seek to live as a missionary is this: my primary responsibility is to daily delight myself in God. And a high goal of my life is to pursue personal holiness (that is, right conduct and sanctification by God's grace). I would gladly accomplish less in life rather than leave a wake of broken people behind me.

So, next I start a Hudson Taylor biography. I've read one or two on him before, but this is one of the Greats for one of the Greats. That is, it's 400 pages. Taylor did not seem to leave a trail of broken relationships behind him. He seemed to love his wife and children. I'm really excited to get into reading about him, because he was an amazing man.

Fascinating book

2009-08-30T04:02:00.000-07:00

I just read a fascinating book about a real stud, C.T. Stud, who founded WEC. I'm fascinated by his life and hope to read a longer biography, but I want to meditate on it a little, so you (all one of you) can expect a post soon.

A meditation

2009-08-21T05:18:00.000-07:00

If I write something that won't be comprehensible to others, I generally don't publicize it. However, due to the nature of this, I wanted to, just a little.

August 20, 2009

How often have I sat down and simply given praise to God in my writing? Simply given thanks and said what He has done? I write of Japanese culture and missionaries and theology, but what of praise? Am I capable of expressing adequate gratitude for what He has given me? It seems that I struggle with this! I scarcely even try. I ought to say to the whole world, “This and that is what the Lord has done to me.” My whole life ought to be a signpost pointing to Him.

I praise Him with my hands. I praise Him when I play the piano, be it Christian music or Squaresoft music, my heart is of praise to Him as I play. I praise Him in my other writings, for He has given me the mind to write, and so I glorify Him by using it. When I give out tracts and invitations to houses and strangers, it is praise to Him. As I read Religious Affections and struggle through the archaic English of three centuries past, it's praise, because He is worth the mental pain. As I read a secular book about the world political/economic scene, it's praise, because He has given me the brain used to read it. But I want to praise Him in writing. I'm no poet, but I would use my pen in thanks.

I operate under a state of mind that God is a God of deliverance. The waters come up to my neck... the enemy advances... I sink to the grave... But YOU! You, oh God, rescue me! Ever since coming to Japan, I have been praying, again and again along those lines. It has felt like drowning, and I've been begging the Lord for His salvation. Salvation is not only a word meaning to be saved from our sins, it just means to be saved. So, as Christians, we should often pray, “Save me, oh Lord! Give me Your salvation!” And I have been.

And then, about three weeks ago, I just started feeling better. I started having more energy. I got up more easily in the mornings. It seemed like He was lifting from my shoulders a curtain of sorrow that has weighed me down for a year. A month and a half ago, I began to have a weekly schedule of English classes and a college ministry and such. I saw friends and spent time with them, and I wrote an essay about His discipline with thoughts He gave me the power to have. It was good. He gave it all.

Then a couple Mondays ago, I spent some real time in prayer, and I felt the joy of the Savior washing over me. A thought came to my mind: I am loved here. Everyone here is so busy, not just the Japanese, but the missionaries as well, and people are not so warm, and oh so busy. But I think that an arrow of truth pierced through lies: I am loved, even though I haven't felt it much. I know that God loves me, but knowing that humans do as well in this place, that fact gave me joy. It was something I needed to know, that they care for me, here where I am out of the reach of so many.

I meditated on the quest to know Him more, the quest that brings me here. I do care that the Japanese know Him, but my own relationship with Him is an even greater goal, and the only way for that to grow is to follow His steps here and preach His gospel here. If I do not do so, I cannot know Him more. So, the goal that the Japanese see Him and that I see Him are the same goal. Both cause both to happen.

I have tasted of the sweetness of Him, and though I do not taste it every day as deeply as I wish, I would give anything to see Him clearly and have the emotions of my heart well up in an adequate response to His goodness. If I truly understood his love and felt it in my heart, if my heart were to well up to feel what it ought to feel because of His love, forgiveness, and most of all the Cross... If that happened for even a minute, if I felt that for even a minute, it would change my life all over again. I want to see visions of glory. I long to hear His voice as clearly as any has on this earth. That is worth any trouble, and we must not mind a little suffering on the path.

His glory and goodness are such that if we could only catch a glimpse and feel what is accurate to feel about them (I am not talking about feigning emotions, for that implies feeling more than we should; I'm talking about feeling exactly what we should towards the truths of the Bible), it would surpass anything we have hitherto imagined. In Heaven we shall in fullness, and by His power we shall arrive there and see Him face to face, and all the darkness of this world will seem as nothing when we do.

I would rather have pleasures in Him than earthly pleasures. His are the best. I do think I believe this, but I have not experienced it. Physical pleasures of the flesh are more intense for a moment than anything I have felt in God, but I do believe that even on this earth, there is a pleasure in God that surpasses the pleasures of the flesh. However, I am certain that such a thing is true in Heaven; the pleasure there will cause even the most intense of delights of the earth to seem like sand in the mouth.

His pleasures are more lasting. Though sin can be a greater pleasure for an instant, it is just for an instant. Pleasure in God lasts. And it is morally correct. I just couldn't stand to pursue pleasures that I knew were wrong. I must go for those that are right. At all costs, I must pursue the pleasures of God. I have barely glimpsed them, but I know they exist. I see them in His Word, which I trust. I believe that there is a quality of power and delight in this life (ultimately in Heaven) that I have not yet experienced, and I believe that the road to experience it is through the darkness and through suffering.

From that Monday, I've felt more like my old self again: having energy, being responsible with things, not waking up with a heavy weight upon my chest. God did something that morning, and though the deliverance is not complete, yet, the back of my depression has been broken, I believe, and it is only a matter of time until the Savior saves me completely. He is a good Savior, a faithful God to watch over me and care for me so tenderly despite all that has happened here. To watch over me in hardships and trials. To be with me and never leave, even when I cannot see Him. He is good, and He is faithful, and I hope that in some tiny way, this has served to express a fragmentary shard of the praise due His name.

William Englund

2009-08-18T05:49:00.001-07:00

I have another book report for you! Don't forget to check my piece from a few days ago on God's discipline.

August, 2009

William Gideon Englund

My book report on China Travail by William H. Pape.

Finding the Book

Much like the last book I wrote about, I found China Travail in a stack of trash-destined books in the Takamatsu Christian center. It was a pretty good find. Published in 1975 about TEAM missionary William Englund, this is more of a conventional missionary biography. I'm still dissatisfied with it, though. How are you supposed to cover a 54 year missionary career in a flimsy 147 pages? By cutting out all pre-field life details, any details about time spent in the states, and most personal details, of course! For a flimsy missionary biography, this one wasn't bad, but it would have been good to know more of what drove this man.

His Life

William Englund was born in 1882. He arrived in China in 1903. The following table should give you a good idea of some dates as related to his life:

March 17, 1882	Birth
1898-1901	Boxer rebellion (200 missionaries killed throughout China)
1903	Englund and Lena (1^st wife) Arrive in Shanghai. Went to a village in Lantien province for Chinese study.
1916	Lena dies.
1919	Marries Ingeborg Hanaberg (wife #2)
1920	Furlough; Birth of Miriam (first daughter)
192x	Birth of Winifred (second daughter)
192x	Ingeborg does.
1927	Marries Anna, wife #3 (and thankfully the last)
1938	Furlough to America
1940	Returned to China during WW2
Dec. 23, 1948	Forced out of China by Communists; Left Shensi, never to return.
1948 or 1949	Work in Japan
Summer 1952	Furlough to America
October 1954	Work in Taiwan (started a Bible college there)
1957	Return to America, began work on his commentary of the Old Testament in Chinese (made it up to I Samuel before his death)
1964	World speaking tour through Europe, Middle East, Hong Kong, Taiwan, and Japan.
1969	Death at 87 years of age.

William Englund worked extensively in the Shensi province of northwest China, especially in the city of Sian. Don't know where that is? Well, check out the Wikipedia article: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Shaanxi

My Admiration

Englund has my admiration for a number of reasons. The first is that he was a man of prayer.

“Few people knew exactly at what hour he arose to pour out his heart in praise and intercession. His children remember that no matter how early they got up, their father was already shut in his room praying aloud, and his wife Anna, who knew him best, testifies that between 4:30 and 5:00, summer and winter, William Englund was preparing to seek audience with the King. Normally once a week, and on special occasions, he would eat neither breakfast nor noon meal but continue resolutely in what he called 'fighting the Devil.' He learned that prayer is not struggling with a reluctant God, but wrestling with a resistant enemy... Then at 7:30 breakfast time, he was ready to lead his family and any guests in Bible reading and prayer” (Pg. 75)

I think that definition of prayer is incomplete, but it is an interesting insight into his walk. But 4:30.... gosh. I wish I could do that. I really do. But at this time, I just don't have that kind of strength. I would honestly just fall asleep again, even if I set my alarm to get up and pray at 4:30 every morning. And I'd be exhausted for the rest of the day. So, I do what I can, but man, I hope that at some point in my life I can pray like that every morning. And the answers to prayers he routinely saw! The revivals he saw... incredible. Even when he had a number of responsibilities in Japan during his time there, he still saw prayer as his “main responsibility.” He saw the spiritual realities behind all things.

Englund persevered despite overwhelming difficulties. He was in China for 54 years, and nearly all of those were filled with bloodshed. The Boxer rebellion occurred right before his arrival, and the blaze of revolution was not far behind. For the first half of the 20^th century, it seems like China was in an almost constant state of war. Japan invaded in the 30s, and once they were trounced, the Communists and nationalists went right back at it for another few years. Churches got blown up, people were killed, cities were besieged with missionaries inside, and famine was a constant trouble that made money matters a nightmare (Englund served as a treasurer). The list could go on and on and on. However, despite all this, Englund did not give up.

Perhaps the difficulty that struck me the most was his deafness. Somewhere in the middle of his career, he started to go deaf, and though hearing aids began to come into existence, they couldn't keep up with his loss of hearing, and he eventually totally lost his hearing. Nevertheless, it didn't seem to slow him down. He still traveled through war-torn countrysides to preach in Chinese. He still founded Bible colleges. If anything, it probably made him more of a legend to the Chinese. Anna, his wife, became his ears, and motioned when he was talking to loud or softly in sermons. I suppose she also must have translated a lot for him to sign language or writing. However, to me, the thought of never hearing music or the sound of voices again is almost unbearable.

William Englund also was a fearless preacher. He constantly was going to different cities and provinces on evangelistic tours. On one occasion:

He decided on an intensive drive in the west suburb of the city as an alternate opportunity, and, except when heavy rain fell, services were held in front of the Bible school every afternoon. (pg. 81)

He had such boldness! The idea of “an intensive drive” into a part of a city is scary to me, but I want to have that kind of boldness. Right now, I wish I could do that, but, well, I have to learn Japanese to start out with. Maybe after that I can worry a little more about “intensive drives.” How about a quote from World War 2: “On one occasion, Englund and a Chinese believer, hiding behind a wall from a strafing run by a fighter plane, witnessed to a man with them in the ditch and led him to Christ.” (pg. 105)

His perseverance was an inspiration. The man went back in 1940, in the height of WW2, while the Japanese were busy conquering China. What kind of a person goes back from furlough to China in the middle of WW2?

How about his thankfulness in hardship? During WW2, when they had no money for milk, butter, or enough coal to adequately heat the house (so they spent all their time in the kitchen to stay warm), he wrote to his supporters, “Our meals come hot from the stove and this letter also comes warm from both kitchen and a heart filled with praise and prayer.” (pg. 105)

I'll note one more quality about him: his relentless sense of humor. Whenever things would go wrong, be they bedbugs keeping him from sleeping or seasickness or the pain of travel in primitive China, he would joke about it. He even jested about his deafness. As he demonstrated, for a missionary, a sense of humor is utterly necessary. We simply cannot take ourselves too seriously.

Missiological Notes

Englund lived in an age of missions in China that Hudson Taylor started. Missionaries trimmed their hair like the Chinese (complete with pony-tail) and wore Chinese dress. This was a way of identifying with the Chinese and minimizing their foreignness. As I sit in modern Japan, where no one wears kimonos (except to special events) and dress is decidedly Western, I ponder this. In Japan, foreigners are and will always be foreigners. And that's not all bad (if you're Caucasian). Unlike early 1900s China, Americans are kinda cool. In addition to the fact that it's impossible to totally become Japanese, I don't think it should be held even as an ideal.

In modern Japan, I think the best thing to do is to learn to be an “acceptable foreigner,” rather than an “obnoxious foreigner.” In other words, everyone expects you to be weird because you're a foreigner. So while you must learn how to communicate in Japanese in a Japanese manner (which is far bigger of a problem than the language itself), it's OK to be a foreigner here. It's OK to greet people in English and do weird things that no Japanese would ever do. It's impossible to become Japanese. What you have to learn is how to be a good foreigner living in Japan. Sometimes, that involves becoming more Japanese. But often, that involves continuing to be a weird foreigner, because a lot of Japanese people like that. This is a different age. I'm still trying to find the balance.

I again realized while reading this that missionaries are people outside of society. In a sense, foreigners living in a country always are, but missionaries in particular. We do not fit any molds of the nationals, not even stereotypes of foreigners. In addition, problems hit us differently. For example, many missionaries (like myself) receive money from the west and exchange it into the local currency. This can be a huge problem if the exchange rate fluctuates the wrong way. It's just another reminder that we are strangers and pilgrims on this earth. Here's another example of this in Englund's life:

Of the trial of faith through high food prices, limited finance and the perils of war was added a new and terrible element when Japan launched her surprise attack on Pearl Harbor. The conflict in Asia took on a fresh aspect. The United States and China became allies and all Americans on territory occupied by Japan were arrested and put in concentration camps. Japanese military authorities confiscated the China Inland Mission school in Chefoo and moved staff and students...” (pg. 106-107)

Most Americans watched Pearl Harbor bombed safely from North America, and though they suffered some deprivations, they did not have to face the fate of those living in China. Missionaries, when international conflicts hit, are often a lot more vulnerable than those safely in the states. Sometimes, they're more vulnerable than other westerners living in the developing world, because they live so far out there in “the bush.” And that, in my opinion, is the way it should be. Like Englund, people should go back in times like WW2. Missionaries should be slow to pull out of countries, even in unstable times. We didn't go to the mission field to be safe.

Englund saw incredible revival in China. This book mentioned characteristics he saw in revivals. Here they are:

1) An intensely deep conviction of sin, especially in the sight of God.

2) Practical payback for sins (i.e. returning stolen property).

3) A new spiritual atmosphere in churches, where people would do things like break down and cry before the Lord.

4) Unity among Christians.

5) A new desire to pray.

6) An increase in giving.

7) A new passion to win people for Jesus.

Oh, to see this in Japan! I long to see revival here. A last quote for you: “Englund personally was convinced that persistent, fervent prayer would always bring revival. A Chinese Christian who knew him sell said, 'If a foreign missionary having come to our land can feel so deeply for our people that he daily gives himself to pray for us with tears, then what he prays for must be very important. Let us join in prayer.” (pg. 25) Where are the prayers with tears for this land?

Ministry in Japan

One of the most interesting parts of this book for me were the years that Englund spent in Japan, shortly after China fell to communism. The reason it is interesting is not just because I am a missionary here, but because he came with TEAM, and I know some TEAM missionaries who came shortly after the war, which was a new era in missions in Japan. We call those people “MacArthur era” missionaries. Ralph and Stella Cox are two, and Bruce Helland is a third. Bruce recently came out of retirement to serve here in Takamatsu. He's in his 80s and hard of hearing but filled with the Spirit, with a sense of humor like William Englund's.

I wonder if their paths crossed? A story is told of Englund turning the entire tide of a TEAM conference in 1951 or 1952 by insisting on prayer. Were my friends Bruce and the Coxes at that conference? I'm not sure if they had arrived by then. However, if they ever did cross paths, that's significant to me, because I, at the start of my missionary journey (a “McDonald era” missionary) have had the privilage of meeting some of the last remaining MacArthur missionaries. Englund and his comrades that were forced out of China set the path of TEAM Japan and gave the torch to the inexperienced and green-around-the-ears Coxes, who are now giving it to my generation.

Oh, as my old friend Samwise says, “We're in the same tale still. It's going on. Don't the great tales never end?” “No, they never end as tales. But the people in them come, and go when their part's ended.” My path just barely crossed with Ralph's (he was on his deathbed). Perhaps he met William Englund. That alone is a tale going back a century. And Englund, who did he meet? What 80-year-old missionary did he meet in China, who met someone who met Hudson Taylor or William Carey? And they both read the tale of old David Brainard's mission to the Indians in the 1740s, and he met the Moravians (the first protestant missionaries). Martin Luther started the Protestants, and he came out of Catholicism, which dates back centuries. On and on the story goes, back through Augustine and Polycarp and Ignatius, to Paul and the cross of Christ itself.

Ah, forgive my musings. The TEAM missionaries in this prefecture are at Karuizawa for their conference, and it struck my funny bone reading about Englund speaking at that same conference... over 50 years ago. It's so close to home. May God bring revival in Japan.

Last Remark

When Englund left China, all seemed lost from an earthly perspective (which he did not have). However, now the largest revival in the history of the world is taking place there. In Japan, we're still in a stage of darkness, dryness, shrinking churches, and an apparent defeat of the Gospel. So, I would like to close with a quote from Englund after the Communists took over, when he was in Hong Kong. This was after hearing the news of the death of a Chinese church leader:

“Englund found assurance in the words of Nahum that 'The Lord hath His way in the whirlwind and in the storm, and the clouds are the dust of His feet.' He wrote home: 'We may question why the enemy has been permitted to sweep over the whole land like a fierce whirlwind, raising the dust, disturbing missionary work and putting things under a dark cloud of uncertainly, but looking higher we see how the Lord's way is above the clouds, and there is no need on His part to wait until the dust settles in order to get a clear view. Both clouds and dust are already under His feet as He moves forward to the final victory.'” (pg. 118)

2009-08-12T06:11:00.001-07:00

God has been good to me, as of late. I've been experiencing a soothing joy this week, something like a quiet brook. I am glad for this right now. I'll have to write more of it later. Perhaps this is the deliverance I've been praying for.

In other news, today on TV, I saw a news segment on whale meat. It seems that some older Japanese people want to make sure that everyone gets to try whale meat at some time in their lives, because it's more of a rare thing, now. So, they were serving it in elementary schools every once and a while, so kids could get to experience whale meat.

The Japanese love the environment... love eating it, that is.

By the way, check out another piano video I did. This is "To Far Off Times," by Mitsuda Yasunori, originally from Chrono Trigger. I'm still working on it and hope to someday get up a perfected version.

God's discipline

2009-08-11T06:15:00.000-07:00

August 5, 2009

The Lord's Discipline

Rev. 3:19 “Those whom I love, I rebuke and discipline. So be earnest, and repent!”

Heb. 12:5-7b “And you have forgotten that word of encouragement that addresses you as sons:

'My son, do not make light of the Lord's discipline, and do not lose heart when He rebukes you, because the Lord disciplines those He loves, and He punishes everyone He accepts as a son.' Endure hardship as discipline; God is treating you as sons...”

John 15:2b “...While every branch that does bear fruit He prunes so that it will be even more fruitful.”

Matt. 7:10b “...How much more will your Father in heaven give good gifts to those who ask him!”

God's Discipline

I came across that verse in Revelation 3 the other day and really meditated on it. “Those whom I love, I rebuke and discipline.” Those whom I love. What really caught me is that often when we suffer, we say to God, “Why?” Or we ask the soul-searching question, “What have I done?” We think that God is punishing us for something bad we have done. That's what disciple is, right? However, according to the scriptures, He disciplines and rebukes those he loves. So, I must conclude that the primary point of God's discipline is not as a punishment to us but as an expression of His love.

The Revelation passage was certainly a rebuke to the sinful Laodicean church, calling them to repentance. Doubtless, there is wrongdoing in us that brings about God's discipline. However, the point of it was that they would become holy. Look at Heb. 12:5-7 and John 15:2 in context. Neither refers to our sin as the cause for God disciplining us. In John 15, it even states the very opposite. We are disciplined because we bear fruit. Verse 3 continues, “You are already clean because of the word I have spoken to you!” So this pruning (literally our “cleaning” in the Greek) is to those are already clean. Discipline's purpose is therefore to make us even cleaner.

I'd like to clarify a couple terms. I don't believe that the Bible uses them exactly like this, so this is my assigning a meaning, not a specifically Biblical distinction (in the words themselves). I will call “just punishment” the outpouring of God's wrath on the ungodly because of their sin. It comes as a result of His justice. It is manifested ultimately in two places: Hell and the cross. Hell is the eternal, just punishment of the wicked, and the cross is where Jesus bore the punishment that we deserve.

“Discipline,” however, is the hurting of the righteous so that they will become more righteous. I think that I can define it most clearly in terms of Heb. 5:8 “Although He [Jesus] was a son, He learned obedience from what He suffered.” This “learning obedience from what He suffered” is how I'd like to define “discipline.” The reason I'm pulling a definition from that verse is because it is so clear with Jesus that He was not suffering for his sin. Rather, through His suffering, he become our great High Priest who could sympathize with us in our weakness (Hebrews 4:15). He also became an example for enduring hardship through His own suffering. He was our perfect example of one undergoing God's discipline.

In the case Jesus, His discipline was also a “just punishment,” but not for His own sin, for ours. At the cross, Jesus perfectly took our punishment, and now, in the place of God's wrath against us, He deals with us as His children on the basis of love. And God disciplines those He loves (now that our punishment has been paid for).

For a good example of this, in Acts 5:40-42, The apostles were beaten for preaching the gospel. The result was an increase in their joy, as they rejoiced being counted worthy to suffer for Christ. I would call this a prime example of what I'm talking about: they were hurt for righteousness, and their righteousness was increased after the hurt, and God's name was glorified by their faith.

The Joy of this Doctrine

Before I go on, I want to pause and meditate on the sweetness of this for a moment. That when we suffer discipline, the primary cause is not our sin; the primary cause is God's love. That's not to say we don't have sin. However, when we are being disciplined, we should look to God's love. That's what these passages do. If we look to our sin, then the discipline increases our unease and guilt, because if the discipline is this bad, then I must have some terrible sin!

Furthermore, if we look for our sin when in hardship, then we're more likely to flee from and hate God's discipline, because our eyes are focused on our own sin, not on love (which is the root cause for His discipline). God will root out our sin without our constant questioning of what is wrong in us causing our suffering. There is a need for a little bit of that, but many people, especially those who care about morality as Christians, have a dangerous tendency to blame ourselves too much in hardship.

Discipline is made to increase the good qualities in us as much as purge the bad. In Jesus' words: “Every branch that does bear fruit He prunes so that it will bear more fruit.” He is, in our discipline, bolstering the good us in us, not just trying to get things out of us.

God is willing to go through a lot to make us holy. He is willing to go through the pain of disciplining us! It's worse watching someone you love suffer than suffering Yourself. To make it worse, we often grumble and complain at Him in hardship, but He endures our complaining and false accusations in order to sanctify us. I am convinced that He does not enjoy inflicting pain on us, but He does anyways, because His perspective is greater than ours. He knows that there is a great benefit to our souls to be gained, far outweighing the pain.

So, let us take that perspective as well. When disciplined, say to God, “Thank you. You know what is best, and the holiness reaped from this will make all the pain worth it.” In doing so, we align our perspective with God's and walk in truth, leading to joy, rather than in lies and false condemnation.

Furthermore, look how else that should impact our perspective: If it's not as a result of some specific sin that God is disciplining me, then I can't make the discipline end faster by fixing that sin. It's for my sanctification. So, instead of “how can I get out of this,” I say, “I'm in this place of discipline. So, I'd better open my heart to get as much benefit as I can from it.” If it is as a result of some sin that I am being disciplined, then I control how long this thing lasts by how long it takes me to get my act together. But if it's otherwise, then HE is the one in control of the length of my discipline, and my perspective becomes one of patient endurance and humble learning.

A Powerful Implication

Here I will say something rather radical. If all this is true (that discipline stems mainly from God's love), then God's discipline is a good thing. It is a very good thing. But that's not what is radical. After all, Heb. 12:10 already says that: “But God disciplines us for our good.”

What is radical is this: We should pray for God's discipline. We should ask God for good things. Discipline is a good thing. Therefore, we should ask Him for it! That's why I included part of Matt. 7:10 up top: “How much more will your Father in heaven give good gifts to those who ask him!” The assumption there is that we are smart enough to ask God for good things!

Why do we not ask Him for it? A rather scary question, I think. But in answer, I believe that we need look no farther than a few verses up from Revelation 3:19, starting from verse 15: “I know your deeds, that you are neither cold nor hot. I wish you were either one or the other!” Like the church in Laodicea that Rev. 3:14-22 is addressed to, we are lukewarm. That's why we don't ask.

But I think there is an even bigger reason that westerners in particular don't want God's discipline, and it's the first half of verse 17. “You say, 'I am rich; I have acquired wealth and do not need a thing.'” We are happy with our earthly lives. And not even in a way of carousing, cursing, and practicing witchcraft. We go to church on Sundays. We give 10% of our income. We look righteous! But inside, the Superbowl interests us a great deal more than the cross. It's not that enjoying the Superbowl is a sin. The sin is rejoicing in the Superbowl more than in your redemption.

Simply put, because we are part of a wealthy society, we are complacent in our faith, like the Laodiceans. We do not really believe that the reward that comes after discipline is worth the disciple, because otherwise we would pray earnestly for it! We see God's discipline as an unpleasant thing that will get in the way of our earthly comforts, sort of like having your house robbed, so the last thing in the world that we would do is to pray for it.

But how does God see us? “You do not realize that you are wretched, pitiful, poor, blind, and naked.” (17b). Our wealth is useless to produce worthwhile happiness and contentment. It is useless to produce anything of eternal value. Only God can do that. To have real joy, we must undergo His discipline. We look to our comforts and conveniences (wealth), but if we could see reality, rather than being blinded by lies, we would realize that we have no meaningful wealth.

So, what should we do? You really don't have to search the Bible for the answer. It's right there in verse 18, “I counsel you to buy from Me gold refined in the fire, so you can become rich; and white clothes to wear, so you can cover your shameful nakedness; and salve to put on your eyes, so you can see.” God didn't make it hard to figure out the right answer: buy gold refined in the fire. That fire is God's discipline. It hurts, it scorches, and it melts.

But it refines.

And the end results are real riches, honor, and vision. That gold, those clothes, and that salve are a thousand times better than the comforts we would have if God never disciplined us.

If we are commanded to buy gold refined in the fire, it only makes sense to ask for it. Or, In other words, pray for God's discipline.

My Story

I must say, I first started thinking along these lines when I found Phil. 3:10-11, “I want to know Christ and the power of his resurrection and the fellowship of sharing in His sufferings, becoming like Him in his death, and so, somehow, to attain to the resurrection from the dead.” When I saw Paul saying that he wanted to know the power of Christ so much that he even desired the fellowship of Christ's suffering, then I began to suspect that there was a deeper Christian life of a whole different quality than I had ever imagined, and that the pleasures of that lifestyle were worth a million times more than the life I had lived. So, sometime around my first year of college, I prayed, “Lord, let me know what it is to be like Christ in His death and so become like Him in His resurrection.” I wrestled with it. It was not an easy prayer to pray, because I was essentially praying for suffering.

“Ask and you will receive.” Why, Oh Lord, does that have to be true?

I think the way that prayer was answered was in Sapporo, Japan in 2004, my first summer project. It was suffering. It was difficulty. I was terrified of the ministry there, critical to my team, and incredibly out of place. It was awful. And yet, it was the defining experience of my life thus far. I began to understand grace through it, and afterwards, God did such a strong work in my heart that I was filled with an incredible passion for Him. And I really started to change. By far, that summer was worth it, though at the time I could not see that. Discipline did its work.

Why do I keep praying that prayer? When will I learn? I'm sure I prayed it before coming to Kagawa, and boy has it been answered. It's a total mess here! Isolated, lonely, depressed... but I've written enough about all that already. I've spent a lot of time, off and on, regretting coming to this assignment. If only I hadn't been so hasty in making that decision. If only I had done more preparation. If only, if only... But then Hebrews 12 knocks some sense into me, “My son, do not make light of the Lord's discipline, and do not lose heart when He rebukes you, because the Lord disciplines those He loves, and He punishes everyone He accepts as a son.”

The root reason why I'm in this mess is not my sin nor my poor decisions. The root reason that I'm in this mess is because God loves me. He is sovereign. He not only allowed but ordained that I should come here and learn obedience through suffering. He is supreme and there is none besides Him. “God disciplines those He loves.” Those words give me strength to press on. He loves me a lot.

I have not yet seen the fruit of this season of discipline, but I can't wait for it. I have a reward waiting for me, ultimately in Heaven, but I expect to receive some foretaste of it on this earth in the form of the intangible benefits of maturity. And I will be a better missionary and witness for this time. I do not live with significant regrets, for my reward is certain, because He does not break His promises. Hebrews 12:11: “Later on, however, it [discipline] produces a harvest of righteousness and peace for those who have been trained by it.” I claim that promise over my current trials as I wait for harvest time.

Conclusion

So, I challenge you. Pray for God's discipline. It seems like... He will answer that prayer. Be careful of getting stuck with a martyr complex (sometimes I fear I have one), but it is a good thing to pray for His discipline, especially if you are currently in a comfortable place with trials that you can handle.

What do we do when that discipline comes, whether asked for or not? Here's a few commands for you:

Heb. 12:12 “Therefore, strengthen your feeble arms and weak knees. Make level paths for your feet, so that the lame may not be disabled, but rather healed.”

Phil. 4:4 “Rejoice in the Lord always. I will say it again: rejoice!”

Rev. 3:18a “I counsel you to buy from me gold, refined in the fire...”

And, a reminder:

Rom. 8:18 “For I consider that our present sufferings are not worth comparing with the glory that will be revealed in us.”

My Dinner

2009-08-07T05:24:00.000-07:00

From August 2009

This was my dinner tonight. It was まあまあ (mediocre).
From Left to right: Mashed Sweet potatoes (raw potatoes from an English student), auteed eggplant, and Experimental Garlic-orange pork (overcooked).

Green Leaf in Drought Times

2009-08-01T06:52:00.001-07:00

July 31, 2009

Arthur and Wilda Mathews

I've decided to start writing short blurbs about missionaries whose lives I read about. Being in a place of difficult discouragement and hardship, missionary biographies are one thing that keep me going. They let me know that I'm not the first person that this has happened to. Hymns also keep me going. They remind me that it will get better. The scriptures remind me that God is in control and is cheering me on and giving me the strength to stand.

The Discovery of the Book

Last year, when all this mess was beginning, a supporter named Scott recommended a book called Green Leaf in Drought Time, by Isobel Kuhn. I ordered some books from the states, but the cost of shipping was too high for me to tack on Green Leaf. But God is gracious: the other night, after helping to paint the Takamatsu Christian Center, I saw about 8 boxes of books labelled: “Pre-trash.” I saw some interesting books, including one on Armenian theology which I picked up because I disagree with it. Among others, I also grabbed the autobiography of Booker T. Washington and a Buddhist book written bilingually.

Among this pile, at the dusty bottom of one of those boxes, low and behold: Green Leaf in Drought Time. I picked it up and ran out of the building before anyone could question me. The binding is still quite good, though the dust jacket fell into two pieces while I was reading it. In the front cover is etched in scarcely legible cursive script: “In loving remembrance of Ralph & Stella Cox. June, 1958. Jennie Scummon(?).” Stella lives about 25 minutes from me by car, and Ralph is on permanent Home assignment (as of about a year ago). Stella can't wait to join him.

Synopsis

Green Leaf in Drought Time is a brief book about Arthur and Wilda Mathrews. It isn't a biography, per sey. It only covers about three years. Arthur and Wilda served in China back before it was “East Asia” with Overseas Mission Fellowship (OMF) back when it was China Inland Mission (CIM). Arthur came to China in 1938, and this book covers events from 1950 to 1953. During this time, communism had taken over the country and was beginning to crack down on missionaries, but it wasn't until a little later that OMF ordered all the missionaries out of the country. Simply put, their continued presence was a danger to Chinese believers due of the anti-foreigner regime. Arthur and another man ended up the last OMF missionaries to make it out of China (Wilda was just a little earlier). Did you know that in the post-communist evacuation, only one OMF missionary lost his life, and that probably do to a robbery, rather than the government? God worked a miracle in protecting over 600 missionaries (plus children) who evacuated.

The book centers around Jeremiah 17:8: “For he shall be as a tree planted by the waters, and that spreadesth out her roots by the river, and shall not see when heat cometh, but her leaf shall be green; and shall not be careful in the year of drought, neither shall cease from yielding fruit.” To Arthur and Wilda, those years were an incredible trial: the government would not let them leave. The government kept them cooped up in a little mission compound for two and a half years before finally releasing them. This is the story of that trial and their faith in it. The writing is mediocre, but it's a good story. I would have enjoyed knowing what drove this couple, how they met, how God called them to the field, etc., but alas, that's hard to cover in a flimsy 160 pages just a few years after the events took place.

The Story

In 1950, Arthur and Wilda felt God call them to head to the very borders of China to try to establish a new work among Mongols. Thus they took a ride to Hwangyuan (near the border with Tibet) in the winter to see what the Lord would do. With them was their one-year-old girl Lilah. When they arrived they got a cold reception from the Chinese Christians who had requested them to come. Things were changing as the commies tightened their control, and it turned out that hosting foreign missionaries was no longer a good idea. After about six weeks of ministering as best they could, the government confined their ministry to the mission compound and banned them from helping with medical work even they. They were stuck with nothing to do.

After prayer, they decided to apply for exit permits to leave China in January 1951 (just as the China Inland Mission issued the order for all their personnel to do likewise). They sold their curtains, dishes, and everything except for a bare few possessions, and then... waited. And waited. A Chinese official tried for a time to recruit them to be spies for communist China, but when Arthur refused, they were left stranded in the mission compound with few possessions and nothing to do but wait to be given permission to leave.

In the years that came, they faced countless challenges. For starters, the local police had to approve every penny of their own money that they withdrew from the bank. In order to get their own money out of the bank, they had to go to the police every month with a request for how much money they needed. This took days, in which time Arthur would stand outside the police station and wait, whatever the weather, under the insults and spit of those who passed by the hated “Western Imperialist.” These monetary requests were never granted in full, so the family was constantly in a state of utter poverty. During a few months, it was only by the grace of God alone that food was on the table. The local police were literally trying to starve them.

During this time, they were slandered and falsely accused of crimes. Chinese Christians began to back away from them and eventually would not speak to them at all because of the preassure. Wilda miscarried once and almost died. Lilah became deathly ill at least twice (Typhoid and scarlet fever) but pulled through. Medical care was almost nil. Arthur's teeth rotted and had to be pulled (once by a doctor with no dental training, who took 2 hours to pull a single tooth). The winters were cold. In poverty, Arthur was reduced to making fuel balls for their furnace out of dry leaves, water, and sheep dung (a task utterly humiliating for a man). The list goes on.

At first, doubt: Why had God allowed this. Had they done something wrong? That question plagued them: had they done something wrong? But they eventually dismissed this and trusted that GOD IS SOVEREIGN. Their responsibility was to Him, and He would watch over them. Ah, what faith in such circumstances! In the summer of 1952, they both had a sort of epiphany with regards to their situation.

A few nights later it came to Arthur like a flash: the Son had left Heaven, not submitting to the will of God, but delighting. Up till now, they had been submitting; rather feverishly submitting because they felt they should press His promises. “Lord, why do you delay? We could be out spear-heading advance into new mission fields! Open the door now, Lord!”

They had been acting like servants who don't want to do it but have to, because they can't get out of it. What a different attitude was the Son's! There came a day in June when together Arthur and Wilda knelt before the Lord and abandoned themselves to live on in that stinted little kitchen as long as He wished them to. And the peace of God poured in like a flood bringing such joy as they had not known before.

As time drug on and their money continued to shrink, they saw heaven open to their provision. At last, Wilda was released in March of 1953 with their daughter, and Arthur was finally allowed to go home in June with Rupert Clarke. And they were the last two CIM missionaries to go. Thousands had been praying for them.

Why I was Encouraged

I was challenged by this book in my lack of faith in the power of prayer. Arthur wrote fervantly to the West, “PRAY!” He asked for it, begged for it, because their lives depended on it. Lately, I've been lax in requesting prayer from my supporters and magnifying to them the importance of it as I should. I find myself thinking, Oh, so what if a couple more people are praying. What I really could use is some more financial support. On the contrary, my letters should remind my supporters that they struggle before the throne of God just as I do, and their prayers matter. Their prayers WILL make a difference in Japan. They will. I had that perspective, but I've lost it. Reading the miracles of this book, perhaps the biggest miracle being their joy, has helped me to regain that perspective, just a little.

In some ways, my circumstances are much like theirs. I identify with the idea of arriving at a place ready to minister and (in my case) ready to learn Japanese, then getting there, watching everything fall apart, and being stuck in what feels like a prison with nothing to do. I feel like I'm trapped as they were. I feel stuck in my house, alone, and I don't know how to meet Japanese people! I have no idea what I'm doing. And yet, their circumstances were a million times worse, but they had joy. Oh, what I wouldn't give for more of that right now.

And it was not without effect! The Mathews were forbidden from preaching, but perhaps that gave them the supreme message through their character. The Chinese saw that in spite of false accusations, crushing poverty, and isolation, they were joyfully God's. They saw those foreign missionaries be reduced to even worse circumstances than themselves, and that gave the Chinese Christians strength to press on in their faith. In the decades to come where thousands would be martyred by the raging Communist party, those Christians were instilled with an example of the Godly life.

Conclusion

Green Leaf was written in 1957. At that time, China Inland Mission was changing its name to Overseas Mission Fellowship, because they had been kicked out of China. If they had tried to stay, it would have done nothing but put the Chinese church in even more danger by association. Some went to other fields and some returned to the West to become pastors and plain old working men, but their eyes certainly never came away from China. Many missionaries were gripped with terrible despair after the Bamboo Curtain fell: had it all been in vain? As the Great Leap Forward came in the next few years and 20 or 30 million people died (at least hundreds of thousands from governmental purges), what was left? Had the centuries of labor and martyrs been pointless? Did a church remain?

Arthur went to China in 1938, so at latest, he was born in the late 1910s. He is most likely with the Lord, now. And I must wonder: did any news ever reach his ears of the thundering revival in China? As to what he and Wilda did after this book was written, not even the Internet was of any help. Perhaps they went to serve in another closed field, and that's why there's a relative lack of information out there on them. Perhaps they sank into obscurity, their eyes never leaving the far east.

But look at China today! As many as 100 million Christians! The largest revival in the history of the world is happening there as I pen these words. Nothing, NOTHING of this magnitude has ever been seen since the beginning of creation. To consumate it, an army of missionaries, tens of thousands strong, is being raised up to march across Asia, back to Jerusalem where it all started and complete the Great Commission of our Lord.

It brings tears unto my eyes to imagine these heroes of a generation past leaving China under duress, not knowing if everything had been in vain, then watching the church apparently die. They did not know the plans of God. They did not know what He would accomplish. All they could do was to leave and keep praying. And now, look at what has come! Truly, those who have reaped have reaped what others have sown, and the sowers never saw it on the earth.

This book also gives me hope: if it happened in China, where by anyone's realistic geuss the church had died, then God can bring revival in Japan as well.

A little snapshot of my life

2009-07-25T06:06:00.000-07:00

So, here's a little snapshot of my life. Enjoy.

Yes, I've started playing A Link to the Past in Japanese for language practice (but more for fun).

I'm also searching out the depths of what it means to be in an awful situation and miserable, yet praising the Lord and in joy at the same time, so that those I am ministering to will see and give glory to God.

I just finished the book "Green Leaf in Drought Time," reccomended for me by Scott Tirrell (thanks for the heads up on the book). It was about an OMF missionary couple and their infant daughter who were detained by communists for 3 years when trying to leave China in the early 50's. They were basically stuck in a house, and the communist police did their best to cut off their money and starve them. Eventually, Chinese were forbidden to talk to them, the Christians were afraid to have anything to do with them, and there they were: isolated and in a terrible situation.

And yet they held a remarkable joy and peace about them. Would that I could obtain that at this time.

While searching around the internet, I found this fascinating blog about some missionaries from the same era. I haven't read all of it, but am looking forward to do so: http://mychinamystery.blogspot.com/

There's no going back to the Shire

2009-07-24T06:04:00.000-07:00

July 27, 2009

There is No Going Back to the Shire

So, walking through Takamatsu and experiencing the sounds (the cross-walk beep) and smells (a curry shop) of the city has put me in a thoughtful mood. So, I'll give you a little of my life's philosophy. As with most important things in life, it can best be explained with a reference to the Lord of the Rings: “There is no going back to the Shire.”

If you haven't seen or read the Lord of the Rings and are worried about spoilers, go and at least watch the movies, right now, so that we can be friends again. After that, you can read this essay. Anyways, Frodo was a rather plain hobbit, and he enjoyed and loved his home in the Shire. However, he was given his quest, the quest of the Ring, and walked with his great burden to the mountain of fire. At one point as he prepared to leave the Shire, thinking never to return, he said (my paraphrase), “You know what? I can go on and complete my quest if I at least know there is a Shire that will go on without me. As long as I know that this place I call home remains, I can go on this doomed road.”

And he did. He left. He suffered. He grew. And he was wounded in ways that could not be healed on Middle Earth. On his journey, he was always saying things like, “Dear Sam, I don't think that I shall ever see the Shire again.” And, “I don't think there will be any coming back from this road.” I'm a Frodo. A quest came to me unlooked-for, and I have taken it, but I share his emotions. I often feel not long for this world. I feel like I can't complete this quest... I empathize with the poor halfling a lot. To me, Japan has been and will continue to be a place of suffering.

However, Frodo did make it back to the Shire. But when he did, it was not the same. After returning home, he realized that he could not be content there. He could not return to the plain hobbit he used to be. During his journey, he longed more than anything to go back to the Shire, but when he did, it was not the same: it was not the home he had known.

We are such beings. I think that most people throughout life gain a sense of nostalgia or longing for a return to better days. Whether or not those days were actually better at the time is a question worth pondering, but in our memories they are idyllic. Childhood... college... young adult life.... falling in love... life when the marriage was good... we all have something we long to return to. However, if we are wise, we will admit that we cannot return to the past, and we must not attempt to, and we must not dwell on the past.

For me, that time was a year and a half hence, and I left the Shire to come to the mission field. My Shire was San Luis Obispo, where I went to college, and where I experienced bountiful joy and love in my church. I am still in touch with many of those people, but from this dry land of shadow, it's not the same, and the Shire itself has often looked really nice.

However, here's the scary part for me: in two and a half months, I'm going back. On the one level, I'm excited for my furlough, but on another level, it terrifies me. They say that adjusting back to your own culture is harder for many than adjusting to a new culture (and that's been torture to me). You go back and expect all these great relationships with your friends and family, but you have changed, and they have changed, and it's not the same; it's an awful experience and you just want to leave America. To one who has been to Mordor and back, the Shire can be a terrifying place.

If I go back and things have changed in a bad way, and those relationships aren't good ones anymore, then what? I don't fit it in Japan, yet. And in a sense, I never will, because no matter how well I adjust, I will always be a foreigner here. So what do I do if I find that I no longer fit in back in the States?

Well, the only road that is left for me is the same as Mr. Baggins: over the sea. We Christians, we are such foolish creatures, sometimes. Our home is not the Shire, wherever that may be. Our home is Heaven. God has prepared a city for us. We look to the past as though that's where we belong, or we are content in the present, but really, we haven't seen our home country. We haven't been to the place of our true citizenship. Perhaps the only times that we are in our right minds are when we are miserable, feel like we don't fit in anywhere on earth, and finally look to the skies and remember that we're not supposed to.

“There's no going back to the Shire.” I'll give you that one free of charge. But remember it, because there will come times when you want to. It is a good thing that you can never go back to the Shire, because if you could, you would never remember your true home. And you would not press onto the things that God has for you to do in this life. He gives us these unfulfilled longings to wash away the deceptions and lies of the world and to turn our eyes to Him. To turn our eyes home.

2009-07-11T06:09:00.000-07:00

For those who care, sorry I haven't been writing much lately, but I've resumed work on the sequel to Anoran: "Creator's Tears." I haven't made much time for just plain old writing about Japan. And I'm getting a little tired of Japan. I suppose that's the one-year culture shock kicking in. I'm actually getting tired of rice.

Tonight, I went to a concert in Ayauta. It's an annual concert put on by the Japanese Self Defense force stationed in Zentsuji, and it's free. It was kinda fun. The audience was about 20% uniformed middle school girls (I'm not sure where all the middle school boys were). There were a lot of kids and stuff, too.

They played the Rocky theme. And Indiana Jones. That was stinking cool. American culture is omnipresent and has influenced the entire world a thousand times over. Western culture has influenced Japan so strongly that they probably don't even realize it, anymore. The west invented a method of recording music and a set of instruments that are used the world over as standard music. Clarinets, trombones, and trumpets are being played by the Japanese military and the entire society. Anything else is just seen as traditional and preserving the culture. I am sometimes fascinated by just how strongly and fully the West, and America in particular, has influenced the whole world, making it more and more in its own image.

With the internet now, traditional cultures don't stand a chance. Many are being obliterated in the onslaught of globalization, and for those major enough to survive (like that of Japan), they are being changed so much that they aren't even aware that how deeply they're being Westernized.

I saw a trailer for the next Harry Potter movie on a little screen at the gas station as I filled my tank tonight. You cannot escape the west.

And that's not all bad. I enjoyed listening to the Japanese military play Indiana Jones! Though it was a little ironic, when you think about it.

Broken Mirror

2009-06-13T00:43:00.000-07:00

I tried recording another attempt at at Broken Mirror, composed by Mitsuda Yasunori, arranged for Piano by One Up Studios. This is a June 13, 2009 attempt, and I'm realizing that I just can't play it on my keyboard. The keys are just too light to play a song of this magnitude.

Japanese religion

2009-05-25T05:28:00.000-07:00

May 11, 2009

Japanese Religion

I had a very interesting talk with a missionary by the name of Dan recently. I visited him in Osaka, and I'm thinking of working with him after my time here in rural Kagawa is done. We stayed up late one night talking about Japanese religious beliefs, and I'm going to try to record here what he told me. I don't yet agree with everything he said, but I also don't know enough to disagree, because I've only been here a short time.

Shin-average Japanese

Before I get into what Dan spoke of, let me write for you a brief summary of some things about Japan that every missionary knows. If you walk up to a Japanese and say “what religion are you?” he will give you a weird look because you're a foreigner. Then he'll give you a weird look for asking, because, duh, all Japanese are Buddhist. Then he'll respond by saying that he's Buddhist. What he means is that he's Japanese, therefore Buddhist. He knows nothing about Buddhist teachings and does not attend any kind of regular Buddhist gathering. He probably does some Buddhist rituals two or three times a year and will have a Buddhist funeral.

However, this average Japanese man (Let's call him “Kimura Shin”) also prays at Shinto shines a few times a year and maybe had a Shinto wedding. He may also have had a “Christian” wedding, but that's a cultural topic for another essay. Anyways, Shinto is a native religion to Japan that is animistic (meaning that spirits in nature are a big part of it). It has virtually no teachings of any kind. It is just a series of rituals like praying at the shrine. About 90-95% (that was Dan's statistic) of all Japanese go to a Shinto shrine within a week of New Years to do their little incense/clapping/prayer thing. During the summer Obon holiday (more of a Buddhist flair), about 80-85% (Dan, again) will go to their hometown and pray to their deceased ancestor. Many Japanese have a Butsudon in their home, which is a shrine to an ancestor.

Through the years, Shinto and Buddhism have become so similar in Japan that often Japanese will get confused which is which. You often will run into Japanese who are fairly unfamiliar with the word “Shinto,” because generally it's called something like “the religion you do at shrines,” versus the temple-religion, which is Buddhism. Shinto is so amorphous and so deeply ingrained in the Japanese psyche that many barely even know the word for it. It's just that religious thing you do. This also has a lot to do with the fact that most Japanese, at a practical level, are very non-religious.

Now, every once and a while you'll run into an exception to the average “Buddhist/Shinto” Japanese. Sokka Gakkai International, SGI, is a big one. It's a relatively new religion sometimes called a cult. It's extremely evangelistic, and most Japanese are pretty weirded-out by SGIs. They're like the Jehovah's Witnesses of Japanese Buddhism. Speaking of which, you also might run into Jehovah's Witnesses or Mormons here, and they wouldn't say they're Buddhist, and you also might run into a communist or atheist, which also would not claim to be Buddhist. And if you're really lucky, you might run into a real, born-again Christian, but she might say she's a Buddhist out of fear. It's OK; God's working on her heart. However, for the most part, Joe-average Japanese (or rather, Shin-average Japanese) will say he's a Buddhist but really mean he's a “normal Japanese.”

A Little Deeper

That basic stuff is pretty obvious and probably few people who know the culture would disagree with most of what I've just said. Well, except for the parts that I've just gotten wrong because of my inexperience. Anyways, let me get into some stuff that might be slightly less agreed upon, though probably still in the “pretty-obvious” category.

You decide to go a little deeper with Kimura-san. You talk about why he believes his mixture of Buddhism and Shinto. He doesn't really know why. He's never actually thought that deeply about it. But he's Japanese, so that's his religion. He's never thought about what happens after death (at least, that he's willing to admit), and he's never really reasoned through his religion, probably because it doesn't affect his life in the day-to-day. There's no dietary restrictions, no moral codes, nothing that he really follows as a “Buddhist.” He spends most of his time at work every day, so he doesn't have much drive to think about those kinds of deep questions. In a sense, he doesn't care, because it doesn't matter in his company life, family life, or any other practical way. But Kimura-san, don't you care about truth? Not particularly.

Kimura-san tells you about how no one in Japan really believes in the Shinto shrines or anything about Buddhism. Well, there are a few people throughout Japan who do, but probably not more than a percent or two of the population. He goes on to tell you that it's all just a part of the Japanese culture, that it's all custom, and no one really believes it. Sometimes, even the priests don't believe it; that's just their job.

If you know anything about Japanese culture, by which I mean the real Japan, not the electronics, anime, and shrines, but the hearts of the people, then you've heard of the separation between the inside and the outside. In Japan, it is not only accepted that your inner heart and outer self are different, but that's how it should be. If you're a mature adult, then you won't let things like what you really think get in the way of social harmony. Social harmony is what's important. It must be preserved at all costs. That is what it is to be Japanese. In a business meeting, even if you are totally opposed to a decision, you will agree in the end to preserve face. You'll keep feeling opposed on the inside, but the important thing is that the outer harmony is preserved, whether or not it is a reflection of people's inner feelings. Welcome to the complexity of Japanese culture and why most Westerners (like me) don't understand it.

Enter the religious arena. In Japan, you're supposed to follow the Japanese religious rituals, so you do. Even though your heart is not in them, even though you don't believe in them, to be Japanese, you practice the religious rituals every now and again: praying (which takes about 15 seconds), burning incense, putting a pricey family alter to your dead parents in your house... you don't believe any of it, but you do it. That's what religion is like in Japan, and everyone knows it, but they love their culture, so they keep it going.

Truth and Practice

From here on out, I'm recapping my conversation with Dan, so I'm not sure how true some of this is and I'm not educated enough to agree or disagree with it.

Internal disbelief with external ritual seems to be the heart of Japanese religion. This, of course, presents problems to Christians. Let's make up a Christian. We'll call her Yamashita Mikiko (it's gotta be a woman, because most Christians are in Japan). If she goes to her uncle Yamashita's Buddhist funeral and does not pray to her dead uncle like everyone else at the funeral is doing, she will disrupt the social harmony. Why not just bow her head and look like she's praying (or better yet, pray to God, even though she's facing her uncle's ashes) so as to preserve the social harmony? After all, the nail that sticks up gets pounded down. Her other options are to greatly disrespect the whole family by not going at all or to greatly disrespect the family by going and not praying to the uncle. Since no one believes it, why not look like she's praying? They'll know that it's not because she believes in such a thing. She's just being Japanese and doing something that she doesn't believe inside.

Christianity is presented as truth claims that have some bearing on our daily lives (Jesus died for you; love one another). However, that is in an entirely different realm of thought from rituals. Praying to her uncle's ashes to preserve social harmony has nothing to do with if Mikiko-san really believes in Jesus or not. Her heart isn't in the pagan ritual, and she doesn't believe it, so she thinks it's OK. It's because the holism of Christianity hasn't gripped her. It hasn't gripped her that she really has to give up these old rituals, that it's a sin to pray to the ancestors, even if everyone else is doing it, even if in her heart she is addressing God and not the dead.

It's hard being a Christian in Japan. It's hard being one of the few people in the culture who actually respects their faith enough to even consider disrupting the harmony over it. You look like a freak, because what religion could possibly be worth more than the fabric of society?

I learned that there are two major groups of dissenters against Shinto and Buddhism, especially in the government. These two groups don't pray at shrines. Neither of them are Christians. They are SGIs (that newish religion I mentioned) and communists. When Christians are more likely to pray to idols than communists, revival is needed.

The intertwining of Japanese society and the shrine

So, Dan was in a room full of Japanese and asked them to start naming religions. Islam, Christianity, Buddhism, communism... but even though there were many people in the room, not one named Shinto. Not one! Why?

Why is Shinto not a religion? Well, according to those Japanese, instead of a religion, Shinto is “a way of pleasing the gods.” What? Isn't that what a religion is? Apparently, not in the Japanese mindset. A religion has more to do with rules and with human interactions (hence why communism is a religion). Shinto doesn't really cover either. Mostly, it's just a set of rituals.

Let's talk about some more of these rituals. Dan has done a lot of research on the subject, so he had some great info for me. Apparently, they sell charms at shrines. It's how they make their money. They have charms for every life occasion: births, graduations, entrance exams, you name it, they probably have it. And if they don't, they'll make it for you... for a price. Speaking of price, not only do they have a wide variety of charms, they have them in various potencies. You can get your college entrance exam charm for $10, $50, $100, or even ask for a private blessing from the priest (inquire for details). You can get your car excorcized to make sure you don't get engine trouble or have an accident (maybe a private blessing is worth the investment on that one). Apparently, the “safe-birth” charm is a popular one. Imagine being taken to the shrine with your pregnant wife and mother-in-law to buy a safe-birth charm. Are you really going to skimp and get the $10 one with her mother sitting right next to you?

Japanese Buddhism invented a great way for raising money, a genius idea. It's almost as good as indulgences. They're called “death names.” When you die, the priest gives you a death name. The more money you pay (or maybe the relatives pay?), the better name you get, and it's supposed to help you out in the next life. Do you really want to skimp and get the death name “Smells funny” when for another $1,000 you can get the name “Eternally blessed?”

Shrines and temples also do some great fund raising when they want a new building. Like American universities (and sometimes churches), they'll put your name on the building if you give enough money. They have these big stone slabs with names out front for those who donate. Some temples list the amount you donated, and some don't, but since they did their advertising, with prices, in the whole neighborhood (for instance, six-foot slab costs $5,000), everyone knows how much you gave either way. And so will everyone in the neighborhood for the next century. What a great scheme! Even beats death names! No wonder all the buildings at Cal Poly SLO (my old Alma Mater) are named after people.

Sometimes, you will even see the city council name on these buildings. Wait, isn't there a separation of church and state in the post-war Japanese constitution? Of course, but as long as no one sues, the city council will illegally donate to shrines and temples to their heart's content. Many don't get caught. After all, all Japanese are Buddhists, so why would anyone sue? In addition, they have these neighborhood associations. You won't get formally evicted if you don't pay the dues, but all your neighbors will hate you, and there are other consequences. For all intents and purposes, you have to pay these dues. However, often, a part of this money goes to support the local shrine. In other words, you have to pay money to support your local shine in some areas. In America, I think that separation of church and state has gone overboard, but in Japan, we need it a bit more.

Dan's idea

So, here's where I get to Dan's idea. I still don't know what I think about this. Over the course of his life, Shin will end up paying a lot of money to shrines and temples in various ways. Some, like charms and blessings, he will pay completely voluntarily (as opposed to neighborhood fees). So, if Shin is going to pay $1,000 to get his business blessed by the local shrine on opening day, does he believe in Shinto? He will deny it. It's just a part of the culture. However, $1,000 is a lot of money.

In Japan, the inside and the outside are different. What I've always thought is that the outside is an observance of the rituals, while the inside is disbelief. However, what Dan thinks is that the outside is an observance of the rituals while saying that you disbelieve. Inside, at a deep level, Japanese believe in some fashion in their religions. In other words, Japanese are rational and well-educated people, so saying that you disbelieve is just another part of the accepted outside. However, the inside is that people believe, and they're never allowed to talk to anyone about that (that's how inner feelings work in Japan). No matter how well-educated they are, they cannot escape the spiritual reality and bondage of their old religious systems in their hearts, whatever the outside says. Why else would you pay so much money to these religious institutions?

Now, when I say that they believe in these religions, Shinto and Buddhism, I don't mean it in the same way as Westerners believe in a religion. Shinto has no real teachings and few truth claims. “Jesus rose from the dead” is a truth claim in Christianity. Shinto has none like that. Implicit and unspoken in its system are a few truth claims, like, “There really is a god in this rock, and he has the power for your good or harm.” However, no one tries to rationally determine if there is really a god in the rock. They just do the rituals. So when I speak of belief in Japanese religions, it's not a conscious, truth-oriented belief. It's more of a superstition: without rationally considering it, people believe that the gods or the ancestors really can do something.

I don't know what is true about this, if Japanese really believe or not at a deep, unspoken level. That's the nature of something unspoken.

Blame it all on Kukai

I really want to do some more research on this, but Dan blames everything on Kukai, also known as Kobo-Daishi, a very famous Buddhist teacher who lived 774-835 AD. This guy was born just down the road from me in Zentsuji (45 minutes by car). During those years, Buddhism and Shinto were in conflict because they were logically incompatible. So, Kukai came up with a solution: throw out logic. He came up with the idea that they both belong to “different realms of truth,” so, even if they are contradictory, they just seem that way, but it all works out in the end. Thus began post-modern thought in Japan, before the rest of the world even made it to modernism. In the end, the Buddhists got to control the sad occasions (like funerals), and the Shinto priests got to control the happy occasions (like weddings).

The ramifications for today are that Japanese are raised in a system of double-think. They can look at two contradictory truth claims and hold them both at the same time and be quite all right. 2+2=5 is no problem for Japanese if it's a religious concept. This makes the spread of the Christian gospel really hard, because Christianity is based on truth and historicity (that Jesus REALLY DID live and rise from the dead). When it's relegated to this realm of religious thought that doesn't need to be true in the same way as, say, whether or not Nobunaga Oda unified Japan, it makes it hard for anyone to come to Christ. And when they do, it's hard for them to make sacrifices to follow Him. Social harmony is far more important than truth here. So, even if everyone hates one another, you put on a happy face and act like you don't so that your business can rise to the top of the corporate ladder. Or so that the neighbors don't know how dysfunctional your family is.

I think this whole inner-outer dynamic is one reason for the high suicide rate in Japan: people just weren't meant to be different on the inside and outside and bear that struggle all their lives with no one to open up to. Japanese people are very patient, but sometimes they explode. If you've been annoying or offending someone for a while and don't pick up on their subtle hints to change, they may explode in anger, yell at you for half an hour, then completely sever their relationship with you. They may also just end the relationship without saying a word. Since foreigners don't know how to pick up social cues in Japan, this is especially dangerous for us. They stop returning your calls, never want to meet up again, and suddenly, mysteriously, drop out of your life. That's because they aren't supposed to talk about problems, just hold them in. Like dry ice in a bottle, the inner cannot be held in forever. This dynamic is beautiful on one hand (the patience), but dangerous on the other (the non-handling of conflict).

Conclusion

I believe that Dan is onto something with all this, and I want to research it more. However, an important question as I ponder this is: What bearing does this have on the missionary?

First, we must understand the Japanese culture well. Many missionaries get so worked up in ministry that they have trouble really understanding the heart of Japan. We must be learners, even after we have been here for a couple decades. There is always something more to understand about Japan. And even though it can be tempting to write off the study of Japanese religions as pointless (since no one believes them), they have affected and colored the social fabric of Japan to such a degree that we must understand them in their daily practice. This is probably different than the books about them and their actual teachings.

Second, we need to powerfully teach the whole counsel of the scriptures. Japanese believers need to know how abhorrent idol worship is to God, whether or not they “really believe” in the idols. I think that this is a motivator to teach expositionally through books of the Bible, because the forbidding of idol worship is in so many places in the Bible, that teaching through the Bible will keep us from dodging that subject, if we do it well.

Third, we must teach people to follow Jesus with all their hearts, not just to believe in Him. Following is in some ways simpler and definitely harder, especially to the Japanese. In this way, Christ can repair the Japanese wound of the separation of the inner and outer. Christianity should bring these two together to produce a holistic healing.

My thoughts about this are still preliminary, and I'm unsure about a lot of what Dan said. I really want my Japanese to get better so that I can go to shrines and see and understand these rituals for myself to research the truth. However, these are my thoughts, at least for now.

A Small Echo

2009-05-21T06:28:00.000-07:00

May 21, 2009

A Small Echo

Tonight, I feel a sense of adventure and pleasure, a sense of goodness and seeing beyond myself that I have been missing for a while. Sorrow has been my portion this last year, but I know that God is faithful to deliver. At this point, I can't hope for much more. Today, I met a few neighbors. They were working in their field, and I said hello. We talked for a little, and they were friendly.

In such small things, I must be content. In this term, I am so limited in what I can accomplish, and every day is a drain. Just now, I was looking through Anoran of Wildgrass a little and remembering a story I once wrote, filled with adventure and passion. I haven't been able to write much fiction since coming here. The sequel to Anoran fizzled out a few months after my arrival. However, I truly hope to pick up my pen again and continue what I started. I want to write more. I want the little flame of adventure I felt tonight to fan into flame again.

Anyways, in the meantime, I'm working on a big essay on Japanese religion that I hope to have up within a week.

UURRRGGGHHH

2009-05-18T05:42:00.000-07:00

This swine flu thing is getting out of control, especially here in Japan. Check out these quotes from this article:

TOKYO (AP) -- The number of confirmed swine flu cases in Japan soared Monday to more than 130 as the government moved to shut down nearly 2,000 schools and companies discouraged unnecessary travel to quell the spread of the disease, officials said.
...
None of the 135 patients were in serious condition, a health ministry official said.
...
In Tokyo, Prime Minister Taro Aso called a Cabinet meeting to coordinate the government's response.

"We must be careful, but with quick treatment patients can recover," he said. "We must respond calmly and appropriately."
(GO ASO!!)
And a better quote from another article:

"The first domestic case of the new strain of Type A influenza was confirmed Saturday. The virus is believed to have a low virulence and its symptoms are rarely serious. However, it is still possible that the flu could spread."

The efforts to prevent the spread of the flu may end up being worse than the potential the flu itself had. Chill out, Japan!

Everything sings

2009-05-08T06:26:00.001-07:00

May 6, 2009

The Singing Jumbo Ferry

風の中かんじる
あなたの声かんじる
届いている
ジャンボフェーリ

Kaze no naka kanjiru
Anata no koe kanjiru
Todoiteiru
Jambo Feeri

In midst of the wind,
I feel your voice.
We have arrived.
Jumbo Ferry.

In Japan, everything sings or has a theme song. It's a part of the wonder of Japan. Today, I rode the jumbo ferry home: Kobe to Takamatsu in three and a half hours (you can make it in half that by bullet train for four times the price). The jumbo ferry had a theme song (I wrote a little of it above, best as I can remember). But it wasn't a joke of a theme song like would be in America. It was about a minute or two long, and whenever they were about to make an announcement, they would play it twice: once by itself and once as background music for the announcement. The song was well-done. Singer sounded professional, along with a moving accompaniment.

The song was alarmingly relaxing. I really felt like I was riding on a tropical cruise, instead of the jumbo ferry. And I tell you, until I listened to that song four times, I never realized how poetic the word “jambo feeri,” sounds. The English translation, “jumbo ferry,” does not capture the heavenly sound of it. In Japanese, jambo feeri has a poetic ring to it, like “vermilion” or “tenderly.” As we drifted through the forested islands of the Seto inland sea, the sun setting in grandeur (there's another one of those poetic words) before us, the moment's feeling was captured by the gentle melody of the jambo feeri song.

Anyways, boats aren't the only thing that sing in Japan. I visited my friends in Osaka who live in a high-tech mansion with a talking bathtub. It also plays a melody when it's done putting the water in the tub. Their washing machine played a six note tune whenever it finished a load, and their rice cooker had it's own song, too. Every train station in Japan plays music for about ten seconds when a train arrives, and I don't know how the station employees stay sane. And (my favorite), the garbage trucks have their own melody as they drive around town.

There are a series of alarms and bells in my neighborhood. The most major is the noon bell, which sounds like an air-raid siren and lasts for about 30 seconds. It lets everyone in town know to take their lunch break (because everyone in Japan takes their lunch at noon). The others have more of a melody to them. I live within earshot of 2 preschools, an elementary school, and a high school (I think that's all), and I can hear at least two temples from my house.

At 6 AM, the first song goes off. If I happen to be awake, I can hear it in the distance, faintly. I'm sure it's from a temple, because traditionally, the neighborhood temple would ring the big gong at 6 every morning, and that tradition has been carried down to the present in the form of neighborhood jingles. At 10, I get a tune from one of the preschools. But in Japan, schools don't mess around with their bells. Having just a buzzer or dinging noise is tactless. Instead, what each school needs is a song that plays for 15 seconds when the school starts and ends. There's another song that plays somewhere in the neighborhood at 11 or 11:30, but I haven't nailed down the time. And I'm conjecturing as to where a few of these sounds come from. From the sound of it, one or more of the schools gets out at 3, because I hear that one every day, too.

The last neighborhood noise is at 6 PM. In ye olde times, it was another gong from the temple and signaled the end of the work day. In my neighborhood, 6 PM is like the traffic wreck of neighborhood jingles. The first temple begins its tune, and the second temple follows suit shortly thereafter. Then suddenly, about two seconds later, the government housing complex goes off! It's a song to rival the temples, and for about ten seconds, all the recordings are playing, echoing off the Asahi steel factory so that you have twice as many notes bouncing back and forth, and you don't know up from down or Bach from Mozart or if you should be waking up, eating lunch, or going home. And then, quick as it started, one by one, each speaker shuts off in sequence, until the last echo of the government housing's tune fades from hearing, and all is silent save the frying of tempura in the kitchen by house wives. Man, what I wouldn't give for one of those.

I will furthermore speak of the unspeakable, the abominable: stores with looping 15 second songs. Yamada Denki, may its name be eternally cursed, is one such place (it's like a Japanese Best Buy). Repeated every 15 or 30 seconds, you hear the same song, LOUDLY, and it sounds like an 8-year-old boy singing off-key about Yamada Denki. Generally, at places like that, rather than making you want to buy more merchandise, the songs make you want to take a power-drill to your temple.

The local 100 yen store has a song that I like a bit, though it's gotten stuck in my head a few times. It's just too peppy for words. Picture this sung by in Japanese by a 16-year-old girl who has hit it back a few too many times at Starbucks. Smile as big as you can and dance a little, and you might get a picture what it's like to shop there:

You walk into the store, you're looking for a good deal.
We have nothing but the best bargains.
Everyone shouts at you, “WELCOME!”
(Brief musical interlude)
Each, each, 100 yen each.

Iss OK, Iss OK (that part is said in Engrish)
100 yen each.
Each, each, 100 yen each.
Each, each, 100 yen each.
Iss OK, Iss OK
Each, each, 100 yen each.

But it gets better. Grocery stores. As you walk in, you may hear that store's theme song playing: “Marunaka, Marunaka...” But that will usually be quickly replaced by generic elevator music. Now this is one of those things I haven't figured out about Japan, yet. This music is usually popular American music from within the last 50 years, but instead of playing the actual music, they have these electronically synthesized versions that play without words. The audio quality is roughly equivalent to the original Nintendo Entertainment System. Imagine generic, midi-like elevator music, only it's to the tune of, say, “Brick House.”
Anyways, that won't catch your attention long, because as soon as you walk by the fish, you hear:

Sakana sakana sakana
Sakana sakana sakana
Sakana wo matteiru to
atama atama atama
atama wo (something)
Karada karada karada
Karada (something)
MATTE IRU!!

Fish, fish, fish
We're waiting for fish
Head, head, head (head rhymes with fish in Japanese)
Something about your head.
Body body body (body rhymes with head and fish)
Something about good for your body.
WAITING FOR DINNER!

There's also more in there about “something good is cooking up in the kitchen,” but I can't remember it very well. It's all so peppy and happy that it just makes me want to buy more groceries, all day and all night, then go home and eat them when they finally kick me out of the store. See, aside from the store-wide speakers playing elevator music, all these localized product songs are played out of ordinary tape-players plugged in all over the store. Anyways, back to the Marunaka visit...

As you stare into space at the hypnotic effect of the sakana song, you hear something in the distance, like an echo of kindergarten, and you wander in a daze towards the produce. It was the banana song: “Ba-na-na banana, amai banana, banana wa oishisou. Ba-na-na banana, amai banana, banana wa...” “Banana, banana, sweet banana. The banana looks really good. Banana, banana, sweet banana. Banana, banana (I can't make out the rest)...”

But there is more!!! Oh, there is more! From your left comes something else: “Ichigo, Ichigo, Ichigo” (“Strawberry, Strawberry, Strawberry”). Mikans (mandarin oranges)! There is another stereo sitting on top of the mikans! Ichigo, Mikan, Banana, Ichigo, Mikan, Banana... it's too much! Too many fruits! Too much music! The beauty has turned to horror! The joy has turned into an amorphous mixture of fructose-laden dribble. And to top it off, as your will is breaking, in the background you hear a square-wave version of Is it unusual to be loved by anyone, and that is all. Your sanity is gone, lost forever. Your will is broken, and you return to America, another missionary casualty of Japan, burnt out and broken, realizing why Japan is the hardest mission field in the world: everything sings in Japan. Beyond idol worship, job worship, love of money, the historical rejection of the gospel and the compromise of the church, beyond busyness, the high cost of living, and even the centuries of truth-absent, post-modern double-think that makes apologetics and reasoning impossible... everything sings in Japan. Everything. Missionaries don't stand a chance.

2009-04-26T23:50:00.000-07:00

Hey, check it out. I wrote a new story. It's some combination of culture shock and slowly losing my mind. "The World of Ern." I hope you enjoy the craziness.

By the way, did you know that all those links on the right side of this page are stories and even a novel that I've written (the novel is "Anoran of Wildgrass")? Check it out!

-Joey

Something to Prove

2009-03-09T21:52:00.000-07:00

I hope that you won't take what I write here too seriously. The thoughts are not completely fleshed out, so don't take it as criticism of others, because I'm just thinking out loud. Who knows if I'll believe half of what I write here when I wake up tomorrow morning. It's just thoughts, not conclusions.

March 6, 2009

Something to Prove

I believe, intellectually at least, that God's love for us cannot be increased by our righteous deeds. Sin has consequences, sometimes terrible consequences, but the diminishing of God's love is not one of those consequences. His love is solely based on grace, nothing else. And by definition, grace is not something that we can influence by right deeds.

This was most clearly revealed to me about 6 months before I came to the field, when I studied hard the book of Hosea. I suggest you do so, too. In it, I saw so clearly at that time that God loves us because He loves us, not because of who we are (dirty prostitutes named Gomer, according to Hosea). When you love a prostitute without having sexual relations with her (Hosea 3), you show that how she gained her love and worth and value in the past (through her body) will not work on you. You love her for an entirely different reason than how she was loved by others. That is how we are before God: filthy and loved dearly. For those who are saved, no sin can dimnish that love. No righteous deed can increase it. His love for us is by grace, and no performance of our own can affect it. He loves us because Christ died for our sins and the blood from His side cleans our filth away. We do not clean ourselves.

That is what I believe. In my head, at least. The other question is not just if God's love for us is constant, but if it is enough. It was for Paul: in all kinds of suffering He rejoiced. The Father's love was enough for Jesus to lay down His life as a sacrifice to purchase His people. It was enough for the rest of the apostles who were violently murdered for their faith. None of these people feared men-they did not fear anything-because God's love was enough for them.

It is not enough for me. I need the praises of men. Well, not their praises so much. I don't like being praised particularly; it makes me feel awkward. But I at least need their indifference. It's their scorn I can't take. God's love is not enough for me to endure just anything for Him. It is not enough to face the burning shame (before men) of really walking with Him and being bold to proclaim His Gospel. I know that His love is unchanging and will never leave me, but it is not enough for me. I need other things. Therein is the root of so much sin.

Sometimes I feel like we as missionaries are so insecure in God's love that we have something to prove through our ministries. Do we truly believe that God's love in unchanging? And is it enough for us? Is the reason that we bury ourselves in ministry because we are mistaken in one of these? After all, if we are working blasted hard for Him, we can be assured of His love: We're missionaries! And if we are insecure in that, well, we always have the work of the ministry to fall back on, right? In other words, is discontent in the love of God a motive for ministry? Is ministry a way of hiding in this discontent?

In a place like Mexico, where with just a good stare someone will repent and believe and jump into the nearest lake for baptism, I assume that it must be just great to hide in your ministry. It must be quite easy to avoid the unpleasant reality of your discontent in God's love (if such a thing exists in you). In rural Japan, it's a bit harder. This place is just HARD. You don't see many converts. When you work in a place like this, resting assured in your work instead of grace isn't so easy.

Ah, but we are clever, we sinners. If the work shows no results, we can work harder. Pass out more tracts. Teach more English classes. Pray more. Join another community activity. Whatever. We can work ourselves into the ground, because if we do so, dagnabit, God must be pleased with us, whether we see results or not.

We are Gomers every one, worthless prostitutes. We want to buy God's love with our bodies. But we must take our joy and content that God loves us despite our prostitution, otherwise we get into absurdities. So, my theory is that some of the time, the reason we missionaries work so hard is because we either do not believe that God's love will be with us no matter what or because we are not content in it. Praise God for those who work hard because they are deeply enthralled in His love. As humans, it is impossible for us to look at other humans and tell if they are working hard out of discontent or out of a genuine response to God's love. So I'll try not to look at other people and tell.

For me, I have the opposite problem because of my insecurity. It's why I run when I should be bold. Were God's secure and all-satisfying to me, I would have nothing to fear.

See, I have trouble “accomplishing things” in the ministry. I just... I want to rest in the certainty of God's love. So when I encounter hard-working missionaries (whatever their motives, good or bad), I just can't keep up with them. I like a slow pace of life. So when I'm around those hard-workers (God bless them for their sacrifice), I just want to cry “Grace, grace! Give me a rest!” I am a weak child who just wants to sleep in (I can be a pretty lazy sinner). I like to take things slow, and I want to spend lots of time with God. If I could have anything in this place of trial and hardship, this field of Japan, I would want to dance and play like a naked child in the tall grass with my Father on a bright day. I want to experience more of Christ and see His pleasure.

“That I may know Christ and the power of His resurrection and the fellowship of sharing in His sufferings, becoming like Him in His death, and so, somehow, to attain to the resurrection from the dead.” That's the purpose of my life: to know Christ. I would be just as happy to do it without the fellowship of sharing in His sufferings (like I said, I like to take it easy), but unfortunately, the two seem inextricably linked. I just can't escape that. I want to know Christ. That's why I'm here. He has chosen me to come here and to preach the Gospel. I wish I were better at it. But I want to see His love. I want to relish in it. I want the freedom to be an innocent child and to laugh and play and know Him more. That's why it's hard for me sometimes to work hard as others: I just want to see the smile of God, and I know I won't see it by working myself to death for Him. But I'll also be looking the wrong way when it comes if I fail in the tasks He's set before me: I'm a steward of so much that He's entrusted to me for a season, and I would be a faithful one.

But when all is said and done, I just want to play in the garden with my God. I want to be content in that and then do whatever good deeds that contentment drives me to. I wish I could be...

Japan is a workaholic culture. I feel out of my element here. Perhaps that workaholic spirit is part of the reason that we missionaries, too, are often workaholics. Finding a place in such a place is not easy.

Again, these are just ramblings and ponderings, not conclusions. Don't take them as though I've figured any of this out.

The rest of my vacation thoughts.

2009-02-28T01:38:00.000-08:00

Before you read this post, make sure you've read the previous! It's a continuation of my thoughts from my vacation.

February 6

I wrote in my head while riding the Chuo-Sobu line into Tokyo from Mitaka and listening to “Breaking Out” by the Protomen (google it). What a rush. I wrote it on paper on a train to Yokohama after transferring. For me, poetry is well... often not very poetic. At least, this one isn't.

Hell's Train

“Chuo-Sobu line, the next station is Nishi Ogikubo.” A hundred men in business suits ride this train, plus some women and about a thousand hanging posters. But they are lost, every one, save for a little lady sitting in the priority seat, and she would deny it. They are lost and doomed, doomed for ーつぎは、おぎくぼ*ー for Hell. The eternal fires where there will be no escape. And Satan would have them think of anything, anything except their eternal souls and the salvation that could be theirs. Alcohol, cell phones, bottled tea, endless droning television (even here, on the Chuo-Sobu line, bound for Shinjuku and Tokyo stations), but most of all the noise, the constant noise of Japan: ads in English and Japanese on every wall, keitai mail, manga, commercials blaring soundlessly from the monitors overhead. I hear the endless clank, clank, clank of the tracks, then BOOM, a train passes inches from my ear on the opposite track. But the hanging posters are far louder.

“Anything, anything save Christ. Take money, food, Sapporo beer, seek love anywhere you please (so long as it doesn't become public), but don't think about – 「次は新宿です。ありがとうございます。」*** Be busy! Be so busy that you can go to bed every night without thought or wonder. Clank, clank, clank. You'll be happy – 'This is Shinjuku. Please change here for the Yamanote line, the Shonan-Shinjuku line, the Chuo local service...' – keep listening to that woman speak. Go ahead, change. Be good people, give to the poor, be polite. Change in any way you please: Tenrikyou, Sokka Gakkai, classic Buddhism in a dozen forms, or plain old superstition. I would love you to be a good person, so long as you do not think about my foe, as long as you never meet one of his followers, and if you do, they are just as engrossed with their keitai** as you are with yours. Become pious, as long as it is not pious for Him.”

Whoosh, the doors open with a blast of cold air, and a hundred men in business suits exit, while a hundred more step onto this train, しゅうてん**** hell.

On Sunday, I visited a church of surpassing caliber. I have never seen its like in Japan. I spent the entire day with them, and though they live in the busiest city in the world, they took in a full-time work day of fellowship. It shone like a column of light, reaching to the heavens in this sin-stained city. The church can never die, and so there is hope for Japan.

*The next stop is Ogikubo

**Keitai – cell phone

*** The next stop is Shinjuku. Thank you very much!

**** Shuuten: Final stop (at the shuuten, everyone gets off the train).

5 PM

What I learned from talking to another MUP missionary in Yokohama station:

Whenever you see someone with something, they obviously care about it, so it can be a key to a relationship with them. i.e. if someone is walking a dog, they obviously like the dog, same if you see them tending a garden. Use that to form a relationship with them.

Feb. 7, Saturday, West of Yokohama (Ninomiya)

10 PM

Tonight, at this home group, I was tired and barely interracted with anyone. They are even still here, and I'm not interracting with them. I formed some good relationships in Tokyo, but here on the tail end of my trip, I'm tired and just can't stand forming any more quick relationships that could be great – if we knew each other for more than a day. Oh, if only things were different and we could truly get to know one another! If only... God forgive me for cursing so much the lot You have given me.

It's hard not wanting to go back to Kagawa. But I will. Through God's strength I will. It's not as bad as I feel right now.

My deliverer is coming. My deliverer is standing by. A slightly overblown song I heard today here, but so true. The fact of the matter is, because God is a being who intervenes in the natural world, I can have hope. I just wish that more people in Kagawa believed and would remind me of that. And I long to speak to those back home.

Oh God, help me to adjust and make it long term here in Japan. A good friend or a wife would help tremendously in that. Some of the local missionaries have already, but I need a peer. Oh how needs can go unmet, which drives us to You. I don't know how long I can last without a resonating soul.

“As long as I have ordained you shall.”

That's always Your answer. Help me to persevere!

He has delivered me half a dozen, significant times already since coming here, and He will continue to deliver me. I need a new miracle of hope every month, lest I perish.

I want to become a capable vessal in this land. To learn this language. Learn this culture. Learn how to minister here. Learn how to love God better and serve for the sake of the Name. Learn, learn, learn, and then go out and be used, all while learning more, growing more, loving God more, worshipping more. I have been a lousy missionary in so many ways, and I can't wait for the Spirit's changing work to be farther along. Oh God, wash me in a shower of your grace and clean all this filth and sin away. I am so sick of it. I want to be clean, want to be better, but half the time I try, it just seems like I'm trying to buy grace, which is twice as bad. Help me to come to you with a humble heart, and not false humility, true.

God, I wanna be happy. Part of me feels guilty for that, despite all the John Piper I've read, because to me, that happiness seems focused on human relationships, like SLO. Maybe too much, good as those are.

But I feel like I can't find that happiness here, and if I go back to CA, even SLO, I will be dissappointed with that choice for perhaps the rest of my life. I will know from the moment of retreat that I ran out of selfishness and chose the second-best, that I failed to obey the purpose of my life, “That I may know Christ and the power of His resurrection and the fellowship of sharing in His sufferings...” (Phil. 3:10-11) And in comfort, in fellowship, even in marriage, for many years, I will live in regret, either mild or severe, that I did not choose the warrior's road.

So, if I want happiness, it is to be found here – 日本(Japan). Unless God gives me a radical change, if I want happiness, true happiness, it must be found here, on His road, the road of the cross, in Japan. As I look to return to the island where darkness reigns, I must remember that. And I must pursue true しあわせ　（joy)、IN GOD. I cannot live and not pursue happiness. I cannot. 'Tis foolish.

But I must pursue happiness with all my might – working hard, going to あ治(Aji), embarrassing myself, being a naked, dancing clown. In all these things, I pursue my happiness. Whole-heartedly. Through difficulty. Through さびしさ(lonliness). Through unbearable, blinding, hell-echoing pain. That is how I pursue my happiness. In eternity and on this earth. A happiness I do not yet see, cannot yet taste, cannot even see the possibility of coming into existance, that happiness. That happiness do I pursue, and it will surpass all other joys, all imaginable self-bought happiness, for it shall come from the hand of God himself.

The power of the resurrection.

Obtained through the fellowship of sharing in His sufferings.

And it shall be a powerful witness to this world, for at this time I prophesy that it shall be (not my words, but those of scripture), so that when it comes, I can point to this very page and say, “See, it has come true!”

For now, I do not see it, and I do not know how these dreams could ever come to reality, but my deliverer is riding on the clouds of Heaven to my rescue, and His power that stretched the cosmos across the endless nothing of space and set every star ablaze with unquenchable fire, His power backs His Word, and I shall yet taste the unbreakable promises coming to fruition. God, help me, and let me see your provision.

And when all is said and done, a thousand souls will follow me into Heaven. Like a duck in flight, successful ministry is not something you can hit by aiming at it – aim for God, ad he content in Him, and all the world will follow the church into Heaven. There is my ministry strategy: “Abide in me, and you will bear much fruit.” (John 15)

God, make it so! Amen, amen, and amen.

-Joey

In this journal entry, some of the promises I refered to are those like Mark 10:29-30... “'I tell you the truth,' Jesus replied. 'No one who has left home or brothers or sisters or mother or father or children or fields for me and the gospel will fail to receive a hundred times as much in this present age (homes, brothers, sisters, mothers, children and fields – and with them, persecutions) and in the age to come, eternal life.'”

I do not for a moment believe in health and wealth teaching, that I am earning earthly riches for myself here in Japan. I don't think those are the “fields” that Jesus talks about here. However, look at how He promises rewards in this present age as well as the age to come. I believe this is chiefly knowing Him more in this age (hence my theme verse of Phil. 3:10-11 that I may know Him more and the power of his resurrection and the fellowship of sharing in His sufferings), along with other blessings like the family of Christ to take the place of those we say good-bye to. A big reason why I don't think this passage translates to worldly riches is because with this great reward comes persecutions! More joy, more suffering, God by our sides forever.

Feb 8, Sunday

7:30 PM

After leaving Jesus Community Chapel, my heart breaks. This trip is over – only the return journey remains. Not returning to 香川(Kagawa) would do unbearable damage, but the dread of returning is heavy upon me, mixed with the pain of leaving. 帰りたくない。帰りたくない。I don't want to go back. But I must – it is the road before me, and God will be with me in it, despite that no one will be there to greet me. But if I walk this road, He will be with me. He will be.

9:40 PM One more time, on a night bus...

A few more so-called poems, if they can such be named:

The immense suffering of all the saints

The immense suffering of all the saints:

I hear their voices now.

Mine is among them.

Injustice in this world, injustice.

And agony.

We all cry out in our misery the simplest prayer: “Deliver.”

Deliver.

Some cry it with joy.

Some cry it with grumbling.

Some cry it along with the second prayer, “Thank you.”

But we all cry it.

There are no exceptions – save fools.

We cry it, for the kingdom is not yet full.

Evil is.

And sin is strong.

So, we cry, “Deliver.”

Oh God, deliver.

Changed again

I am changed again.

Suffering has done its work,

Followed by its more dangerous partner: beauty.

And now, with a prayer from my friend whose name is forgotten,

With that prayer, the only buttress that gave me strength to leave,

The only thing that held back my tears,

I left.

Not wanting it, I left.

Crying, “Anywhere, anywhere but there,” I left.

Relationships

If anything would cause surrender of this quest,

this adventure,

this destiny of mine,

it would be those that I have left behind.

They called it a revolving door.

The imagery was wrong.

More like a scatter-bomb,

a new one every day.

Pain and beauty have done their work, and so I write. I write anew. I'm reading The Heavenly Man, about Brother Yun, a Chinese house church leader and the Chinese house church movement, and I just read about the point in his life where, like Hudson Taylor and his spiritual secret, Brother Yun discovered that God really would watch over him in all things and that he needed not worry at all. That no matter what, God would deliver him.

Oh, that I too would understand that. Even in bitter loneliness, that I would understand that...

That night on the bus, I slept very little and read most of that book, The Heavenly Man. It truly impacted me, and I highly recommend it. I've always wanted to have an all-night prayer vigil, like Jesus so often did, and that bus was a great opportunity for that sort of thing (lots of reading and praying). Since I can't sleep on night busses, I tried reading and praying instead, which made it a good trip back to Kagawa. When I returned, after all this, I felt very encouraged for having struggled through all this.

Well, for a few days, at least...

-Joey